Friday humour - May 21, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
Well, this weeks lot are from all over the place (both geographically
and chronologically speaking).  This first story, from the list out west,
is quite recent (it just arrived today):
                           ---------------------

Two men were both seriously ill, and both occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to
help drain the fluid from his lungs.  His bed was next to the room's only
window.  The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

They talked for hours on end.  They spoke of their wives and families,
their homes their jobs, their involvement in military service, and where
they had been on their holidays.  And every afternoon, when the man in the
bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to
his room-mate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where
his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and colour
of the world outside.  The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake.
Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model
boats.  Young lovers walked arm-in-arm amidst flowers of every colour of
the rainbow.  Grand old trees graced the landscape, and even a fine view
of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man
on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the
picturesque scene.  One warm afternoon the man by the window described a
parade passing by.  Although the other man couldn't hear the band, he
could still see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window
portrayed it with his descriptive words.

Days and then weeks passed.  One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring
water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the
window, who had died peacefully in his sleep.  She was saddened, and
called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be
moved next to the window.  The nurse was happy to make the switch, and
after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
look at the world outside.  Finally - he would have the joy of seeing it
for himself.  He strained painfully to look out the window beside the
bed.  It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his old roommate who
had described such wonderful things outside this window.  The nurse
responded that the man had been blind, and could never have possibly even
seen the wall.

   Epilogue

There is great happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations.
Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that
money can't buy. "Today is a gift.  That's why it is called the present."

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone
who passes it on.  Do not keep this letter.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


      This next one originally arrived in July of last year, forwarded on
      by Russell (I love the 'pies) MacKinnon.  It was also passed on
      more recently by Paul Jeffery:
                              ---------------

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending
the day at the zoo.  She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps.  He's wearing his normal jeans and a
T-shirt.  The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large
hairy gorilla.  Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (no pun intended.)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and both feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand.  He is obviously excited
at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.  The husband, noticing the
excitement, thinks this is funny.

He suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow some more.

The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and
play along.  She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making
noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a
little more skin.  She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars
down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs, and just sort of fan it at
him", he says.  Now this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's
doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the
cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"Now, tell HIM you have a headache."
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     Well, after all the knocks, Davo's team finally won last week.
     And to cap it off, Davo's now off for 3 weeks up north, probably
     laying back with some tinnies and bright sunshine.  Anyway - he
     passed this on recently:
                               ------------

FATHER: "When you go back to your Mum's tonight, give her this envelope
and tell her that, since you're now 18, this is the LAST cheque she'll
ever see from me for child support.  Then stand back and watch the
expression on her face."

DAUGHTER: "Okay Dad."

   Later ...

DAUGHTER: "Mum, Dad asked me to give you this envelope.  He said to tell
you that since I'm now 18, this is the LAST child support payment he'll
ever make to you.  Now - I'm supposed to stand back and watch the
expression on your face."

MOTHER: "Well, next time you visit your father, tell him that after 18
years, I've decided to inform you all that he's not your father.  Then
stand back and watch the expression on HIS face."
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     Next one was passed on by both Tom Burns and Dave Moors:
                             -------------

                           AN OFFICE PRAYER

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage
to change the things I cannot accept, And the wisdom to hide the bodies
of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today,
as they may be connected to the arse that I might have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work ...

 12% on Mondays

      23% on Tuesdays

             40% on Wednesday

     20% on Thursdays

5% on Fridays

And help me to remember ...

When I'm having a really bad day,
And it seems that people are trying hard to annoy me,
That it takes 42 muscles to frown,
And only 4 to extend my fingers and tell them to f!@# off.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


      And a quickie from Steve Harding:
                      ----------

A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was
that his course's Research Project be handed in in on time.  He said
there were only two acceptable reasons for late turn-ins:

   1. A medical certificate from a doctor, or

   2. A death in the student's immediate family.

After the professor had finished the explanation, a student in the back
of the hall raised his hand and asked, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"

Whereupon the entire hall exploded in laughter that lasted for some time.

The professor, ever patient with his students, waited for the laughter to
subside, and then quietly responded: "Well, in that case, you would have
to learn to write with your other hand".
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    Now some good old McCallum humour, passed on a cupla months back:
                        ----------------

                           DEAR BOB

Q: My fiance still has feelings for his old girl-friends.  I'm afraid he
   will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless.  It has been proven to increase
   with the number of sexual partners.  Thus, by having a few other
   women, your partner is really increasing his love for you.  Best thing
   to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
   meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour - and it should be encouraged.  The
   man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men.  Far
   from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful
   affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner.  Just look
   back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his
   stable home.  Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
   and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his
   behaviour.

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my
   sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you.  He cannot get enough of you,
   so he goes for the next best thing - your sister.  Far from being an
   issue, this will bring all of the family together.  Why not get some
   cousins involved?  If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with
   your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice
   meal and don't mention this aspect of his behaviour.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.

A: Do it.  Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a
   spoonful.  It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives
   a great glow to the skin.  Interestingly, a man knows this.  His offer
   to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless.  Oral sex is
   extremely painful for a man.  This shows he loves you.  Best thing to do
   is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a
   nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband.  If you must mess with
   it, do it in your own time.  To help with the family budget you may
   wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at flea
   markets.  To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive
   present, and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time
   to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man.  Afterwards he needs
   rest.  In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his
   love-making is, and the more rest he needs.  Stop putting pressure on
   him.  Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 28 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much.  He is so turned on by you that he
   cannot control himself.  In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he
   loves you.  Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and
   cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband is not interested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful.  What it means is that you do not
   love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you
   in the mood.  Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by
   buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth.  It is fostered by militant, man-hating
   feminists and is a danger to the family unit.  Don't mention it again
   to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present
   ..and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for another from Steve Harding (well, that other one was so
      short):
                           --------------

                 IRONY - UNBELIEVABLE BUT TRUE

Two West German motorists had an all-too-literal head-on collision in
heavy fog near the small town of Guetersloh.  Each was guiding his car at
a snail's pace near the center of the road.  At the moment of impact,
their heads were both out of the windows when they smacked together.
Both men were hospitalised with server head injuries.  Their cars weren't
scratched.
                           #   #   #   #   #

While motorcycling through the Hungarian countryside, Cristo Falatti came
up to a railway line just as the crossing gates were coming down.  While
he sat idling, he was joined by a farmer with a goat, which the farmer
tethered to the crossing gate.

A few moments later a horse and cart drew up behind Falatti, followed in
a short order by a man in a sports car.  When the train roared through
the crossing, the horse startled and bit  Falatti on the arm.

Not a man to be trifled with, Falatti responded by punching the horse in
the head.  In consequence the horse's owner jumped down from his cart and
began scuffling with the motorcyclist.  The horse, which was not up to
this excitement, backed away briskly, smashing the cart into the sports
car.

At this point, the sports car driver leaped out of his car and joined the
fray.  The farmer came forward to try to pacify the three flailing men.
As he did so, the crossing gate rose and his goat was strangled.  At the
last report, the insurance companies were still trying to sort out the
claims.
                           #   #   #   #   #

An unidentified English women, according to the London Sunday Express
was climbing into the bathtub one afternoon when she remembered she had
left some muffins in the oven.  Naked, she dashed downstairs and was
removing the muffins, when she heard a noise at the door.  Thinking it
was the baker, and knowing he would come in and leave a loaf of bread on
the kitchen table if she didn't answer his knock, the women darted into
the broom cupboard.

A few moments later she heard the door open and, to her eternal
mortification, the sound of footsteps coming toward the cupboard.  It was
the man from the gas company, coming to read her meter.  "Oh," stammered
the women, "I  was expecting the baker."  The gas man blinked, excused
himself and departed.
  -----------------------------------------------------------------------


       And after a long break, something more from Mick Rand (who David
       was recently telling me even owned a pub at one stage):
                              ----------------
The following joke was supplied by a good friend of mine - Andy Relf -
just known as 'Relf' because, in a previous existence, he was a traffic
cop and we only ever used four letter words when we spoke to him!  (This
may be much better in drink I fear)
                           =   =  =  =  =

A motorcyclist was riding down the road and a car comes out from a side
turning, Despite swerving and braking hard the rider hits the car and is
injured.  He wakes up in hospital a few days later and sees a Doctor
standing by his side.

The doctor said, "You're lucky to be alive, but I've got some bad news
for you.  Your cock has been severed in the accident, and I'm arranging
for a surgeon to come and see you."

The surgeon duly arrives and examines him, and tells him that they cannot
do much on the National Health Service, except repair it so that he can
pee out of it, but if he wants reconstructive surgery this can be done
privately.

The man was upset but desperately wanted the surgeon to build him a new
cock.  The surgeon said, "Hold on, it is expensive.  For a 2 inch cock
it's $6000, for a 4 inch it's $10,000, and $14,000 for a 6 inch."

The man said, "I don't care, I must have a cock.  I'm not greedy so I'll
have a 6 incher."

The surgeon said, "Okay.  But you must first discuss this with you wife
when she comes in, then you must both sign the consent forms.  I'll see
you tomorrow,"

The surgeon returned in the morning and saw the man.  He said, "OK!  Have
you and your wife signed the forms?  What do you want?"

The man said, "We're having a new kitchen."
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Hmmm ... okay, Mick (and yeh, well a few cans of Guinness probably
      would improve that :-).  Anyway, now for one from Nicki A-O.  As
      she put it: "This one is simply revolting, enjoy, enjoy!"
                            ----------------

                                 DIETS

Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people.  For
those us who have never had any success dieting.  Well now there is the
new Miracle Cat Diet!  This diet will also work on humans!

Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table
scraps -- most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat
Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure.  Just
follow this diet for one week and you'll find that you not only look and
feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes
food.  Good Luck!

DAY ONE:

Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food.  Any flavour as long as
it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate.  Eat 1
bite of food; look around room disdainfully.  Knock the rest on the floor.
Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.

Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail.  Throw it back up on the
cleanest carpet in your house.

Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead.  Eat one
wing.  Leave the rest to die.  Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from
your spouse's or partner's plate.  Bat it around the floor until it goes
under the refrigerator.  Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of
it.  Leave the other half on the sofa.  Throw out the remaining gourmet
cat food from the can you opened this morning.

DAY TWO:

Breakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa.  Knock it
onto the carpet and bat it under the television set.  Chew on the corner
of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.

Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of
the dinner party on Saturday.  Lick the top of it all over.  Take one bite
out of the middle of the loaf.  Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and
bring it into the house.  Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy
and half dead.  Allow it to escape under the bed.

Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-coloured gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef
works well.  Eat it voraciously.  Walk from your kitchen to the edge of
the living room rug.  Promptly throw up on the rug.  Step into it as you
leave.  Track footprints across the entire room.

DAY THREE:

Breakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse's or partner's cereal
bowl when no one is looking.  Splatter part of it on the closest polished
aluminium appliance you can find.

Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house.  Play with on top
of your down filled comforter.  Make sure the bird is seriously injured
but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal
with.

Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl
of your own.  Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.

FINAL DAY:

Breakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of
legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor.  Drink lots of water.  Throw
the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse's or partner's pillow.

Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night's chicken-to-go leftovers
your spouse or partner placed in the trash can.  Drag the skin across the
floor several times.  Chew it in a corner and then abandon.

Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food.  Select a flavour
that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy.  Lick off
all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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