Friday humour - May 14, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
First up this week - a wee contribution from the SS20 (our old Unix
server at Port Melbourne).  It just disgorged the following as a
suggested E-Mail signature.  One of those "old but good" jokes which
can actually be quite educational (especially if you find yourself
having to produce long reports or project submissions :-)
                      --------------------------


                   WILLIAM SAFIRE'S RULES FOR WRITERS

Remember to never split an infinitive.

The passive voice should never be used.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of
repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

A writer must not shift your point of view.

And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.

Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!

Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of
10 or more words, to their antecedents.

Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, then a linking verb is.

Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns
in their writing.

Always pick on the correct idiom.

The adverb always follows the verb.

Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable
alternatives.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - enough of that.  Here's a quickie from John Stevens:
                          -------------

There was this boy, you see, who had a problem at home - both his father
and mother were always beating him.

Finally, he'd had enough, and in desperation he decided to take legal
action.  Eventually the case was heard, and the Judge was summing up.

"Now - you've told us that your mother beats you, and so for that reason
you don't want to live with her.  And you've also told the court that
your father beats you, and that you don't want to live with him either.
Now, really, I can't see that there are many options left open to you."

The boy piped up "But, your Honour - I don't have to live with either of
them."

"Well, where *do* you wish to live?" asked the Judge.

The boy replied: "Collingwood!"

"Collingwood ...?  Why Collingwood?" asked the Judge.

"Because Collingwood never beats anyone, your Honour".
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Hmmm ... obviously John hasn't learnt anything from Russell's
      experience of a few weeks back :-)    Anyway - now to some more
      one-liners - this time from our most westerly list:
                        -------------------

A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over - there's nobody
home!"  So I went over.  Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk.  Just the other night she
called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked.  I said
to the guy,  "Why are you doing that for?"  He said, "Because you came
home early."

And we were poor too.  Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to
play with.

Its been a rough day.  I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button
fell off.  I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.  Now I'm
afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and a
mains radio.

My mother never breast fed me.  She told me she only liked me as a
friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
wallet.

When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm very sorry.  We did everything we could, but he pulled
through."

My mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to
my father.  He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents.  I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?"  He said, "I
don't know, kid.  There are so many places they can hide."

On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.  Last year,
one kid tried to rip my face off!  Now it's different - when I answer the
door, the kids hand me candy.

My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in
the mirror, I feel like throwing up!  What's wrong with me."  He said, "I
don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.  I told him, "If you don't mind,
I'd like a second opinion."  He said, "Okay - you're ugly too."

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and
said, "Look - twins!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


     I couldn't help noticing that this next one (forwarded on by Jenny
     over at NEC) was originally forwarded on by John Hasapis, another
     ex-elevator person (John was one of our electronics techs in the R&D
     lab):
                           --------------------

             FOR ANYONE WHO'S THINKING OF CHEATING IN AN EXAM

At Sydney University, there were four students taking Organic Chemistry.
They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an
"A" so far for the semester.  These four friends were so confident with
the finals approaching that the weekend before, they decided to go down
to Canberra and rage on with some friends there.

They had a great time.  However, after all the hard partying, they slept
all day Sunday, and in the end, they didn't make it back to Sydney until
early Monday morning ... the morning of their final exam.

Rather than risk taking the final then, they decided to find their
professor AFTER the exam and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to Canberra to do some research in the
ANU archives for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study,
but, unfortunately, they'd had a flat tyre.  on the way back, didn't have
a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time.  As a result, they only
just arrived now!

The professor thought this over, and finally agreed that they could make
up their final exam the following day.  The guys were elated and relieved.

They studied hard that night - all night - and went in the next day at
the time the professor had told them.  He placed them in separate rooms
and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.

The first problem was worth five points.  It was something simple about
free radical formation.  "Cool," they all thought in their separate
rooms, "this is going to be easy."  Each finished the problem and then
turned the page.

Question 2 (for 95 points): Which tyre?
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And now, time for another from Fifi (a la David McCallum):
                          -------------------

The passengers on a commercial airliner have just been seated and are
awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way.

A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the
aisle glance back to see the pilot and co-pilot, both wearing large dark
sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit.  However, the pilot is
using a white cane, bumping into passengers all over the place as he
stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog.

As they pass by the rows of passengers, there are nervous giggles heard,
as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.  But a
few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them, the engines
start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other now with some uneasiness, whispering
among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the arm-rests more
tightly.  As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin
panicking.  Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical!

Finally, when the airplane has less than only a few seconds of runway
left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once,
but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.  Up in
the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain : "You know - one of these days the passengers are going to
scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This is a quickie from John over at the Museum of Victoria:
                          ----------------

A woman is shopping in the local supermarket.  She selects some milk, some
eggs, a carton of juice, and a package of bacon.

As she unloads her items at the cash register to pay, a man standing
behind her in line watches her place the four items on the belt and
states with assurance, "You must be single."

The woman looks at the four items on the belt, and seeing nothing unusual
about her selection says, "That's right.  How on earth did you know."

He replies, "Because you're ugly."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


     And one from Martha Hills (slightly longer):
                        -------------------

One day, an American was touring Spain.  After his day's sightseeing, he
stopped at a local restaurant.  While sipping his wine, he noticed a
sizzling, scrumptuous looking platter being served at the next table.
Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.  He asked the
waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah, senor, you have excellent taste!  Those are
bull's balls from the bull fight this morning -- a delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of
the dish, said,  "What the hell, I'm on vacation!  Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor.  There is only one serving a
day since there is only one bull fight each morning.  If you come early
tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this
delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day.  After a few bites, and
inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,
"These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied, "Si senor!  Sometimes the bull wins!"
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Here's another computer-related tale.  But first - a bit of
      background:

      As most of you would be aware, PC's suffer chronically from virus
      attacks, and a whole, highly profitable industry has grown up to
      protect users from them.  Mainframe systems (such as Unix) are
      pretty much immune to such attacks, but they've nevertheless been
      attacked occasionally by a method known as the "Trojan Horse".
      This involves finding a weak spot in the file system and replacing
      one or more files with ones which can then compromise the system.

      So - with that background ... this offering, forwarded on by Scott
      (CSIRO Lands and Water in WA), and also by John over at the Museum
      of Vic:
                            -------------------


                        WARNING!  WARNING!  WARNING!

IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
DOWNLOAD IT!!!!  It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your
ENTIRE CITY!

The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall.
It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned.

DO NOT let it through the gates!  It contains hardware that is
incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed
Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your
women and children.  If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN
IT!  Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the
beach.

FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!

Poseidon

******************************

RE: Greeks bearing gifts

Laocoon,

I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is.
I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one
involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate
it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch."

Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:

1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" business.  If it were
really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post
it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans?

2) Use of exclamation points.  Always a giveaway.

3) It's signed "from Poseidon."  Granted he's had his problems with
Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he?  Besides, the lack of a
real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious.

4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your
entire city.  A horse is just an animal, after all.

Next time you get a message like this, just delete it.  I appreciate your
concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll
realise how annoying this kind of stuff is.

Bye now,

Hector
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now for another offering from Lee McRae over at Melbourne Uni.  And
    as Lee put it:

    "Hi, hope all is well in Clayton-land.  Things are well for me here.
    This joke was just forwarded to me and I think its worthy of Friday
    humour.  Fifi should love it!!
       Lee"

                 TRAINING COURSES NOW AVAILABLE FOR WOMEN

1.  Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

2.  The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

3.  Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You Do Not Need New Shoes
    Everyday.

4.  Parties: Going Without New Outfits

5.  Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait until
    after the game.

6.  Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

7.  Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

8.  Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

9.  Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

10. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

11. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

12. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

13. Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

14. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

15. Introduction to Parking

16. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

17. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behaviour: Leaving the Towels on the floor.

18. Water retention: Fact or Fat.

19. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

20. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

21. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict YOUR Diets on Other People.

22. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

23. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His.

24. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

25. Sex-It's For Married Couples Too.

26. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

27. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

28. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

29. Ballet: For Women Only.

30. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

31. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.

32. Appreciating the Humour of the Three Stooges.

33. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?"-Why Men Lie.

34. TV Remotes: For Men Only.
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now, I just noticed this one.  It's another one from the list out
     west, but what the heck - it's short and humourous:
                         ------------------

A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and
asks him "Daddy, what's sex?"

So her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the
bees.  He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams ...

Then he thinks, "Argh, what the hell", and he goes on to tell her the
works.  He describes masturbation, anal and oral sex, group sex,
pornography, bondage and discipline, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality,
bestiality, and sex toys.

The girl is somewhat awe-struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge, and stares open-mouthed at her father without a word.  Finally
he asks: "So, why did you want to know about sex?"

"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."
  ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      And (phew) ... to finish off for the week - one forwarded on by
      Paul Jeffery:
                          ------------------

                 Found on legal site:

             DUBIOUS ACHIEVEMENT AWARDS -- BRITISH DIVISION

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals)
for dubious distinctions.

Tortoise Trophy:

To British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion:

To John Bloor, who mistook a tube of superglue for his hemorrhoid cream
and glued his buttocks together.

Crimewatch Cup (Gold star):

To Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen
stereo.  His error was having tattooed on his forehead in large capital
letters the words "Henry Smith".  His lawyer told the court: "My client
is not a very bright young man."

Silver star:

To Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb threat, but became
so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began screaming
"Call me back!" and left his phone number.

Bronze star:

To Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his name and
phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup:

To the passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria, who
averted their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral
sex and then moved on to intercourse ... but complained when the pair lit
up post-coital cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross:

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft,
having beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race, and was immediately eaten
by a cat.  Alas, the 90-minute delay resulting from finding his remains
and handing his ID tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third
place.

Lazarus Laurel:

To Julia Carson, who as her tearful family gathered round her coffin in a
New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
going on.  Celebrations were short-lived, due to the fact that Mrs.
Carson's daughter, Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

Silver Bullet:

To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]                           (and get well soon, Keith)




 Previous (May 07, 1999)  Index Next (May 21, 1999)