Friday humour - May 07, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
And ... yeh, where'd that week just go?  Ah, well - without really
intending to, I've just dug back to the bottom of the jokes drawer - this
lot were all sent in between May and August of last year.

The first one was forwarded on by David over at Telstra, although I'm
sure Ian Madsen also forwarded on something vaguely similar at some
point.  It's a trifle 'in', being a piece of computer "source code", but
I'll pass it on anyway.  It turns out to be the most monumental "leak" of
all time.  It's the actual source code of the Windows 98 Operating System
(written in the C language).  So, here's your chance to brush up on C:
                        -----------------------

 /*
   STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL: Microsoft(tm) Source Code
   Project: Chicago
   Projected release-date: Summer 1998
 */

 #include "win31.h"
 #include "win95.h"
 #include "evenmore.h"
 #include "oldstuff.h"
 #include "billrulz.h"
 #define INSTALL = HARD

 char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
 void main()
 {
   while(!CRASHED)
   {
     display_copyright_message();
     display_bill_rules_message();
     do_nothing_loop();
     if (first_time_installation)
     {
       make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
       do_nothing_loop();
       totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
       search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
       hang_system();
     }

     write_something(anything);
     display_copyright_message();
     do_nothing_loop();
     do_some_stuff();

     if (still_not_crashed)
     {
       display_copyright_message();
       do_nothing_loop();
       basically_run_windows_3.1();
       do_nothing_loop();
       do_nothing_loop();
     }
   }

   if (detect_cache())
     disable_cache();

   if (fast_cpu())
   {
     set_wait_states(lots);
     set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
     set_mouse(action, jumpy);
     set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
   }

   /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
   /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */
   printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
   if (system_ok())
     crash(to_dos_prompt);
   else
      system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", O_CREATE);

   while(something)
   {
     sleep(5);
     get_user_input();
     sleep(5);
     act_on_user_input();
     sleep(5);
   }
   create_general_protection_fault();
 }
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - enough 'in' stuff.  Now to a beer joke - this one forwarded
    on by Nicki Agron-Olshina:
                             ------------------

Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a
burning freight vessel.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled
across an old lamp.  Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed
the lamp vigorously.  To the amazement of the castaways, one "did" come
forth.

This particular Genie, however, stated that she could only deliver one
wish, not the standard three.  Without giving much thought to the matter
the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the
entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.  Only the gentle
lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered
their circumstances.

The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he said: "Ohhh, NICE one!  And NOW
where are going to piss?"
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Time for one from David (Fifi) McCallum.  And sorry to disappoint
     you - even though David sent it - it isn't naughty ... in fact, it
     isn't even sexist:
                                --------------

An Australian travel-writer touring through Canada was checking out of
the Spokane Hilton.  While waiting in line he noticed a big Indian
sitting in the lobby with a beautiful feather headress.  As he was paying
his bill he asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian Chief sitting in
the lobby?  He's been there during my entire stay here."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is
built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement was to allow
the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life.  He is known
as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory.  He is 92
and can remember the slightest detail of his life."

The travel-writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided
to put the chief's memory to the test.

"Gidday, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return.
"Tell me Chief, what'ja have for brekky on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and
indeed the Aussie was impressed.  The Aussie wanted to talk with him more
but his cab arrived and off he went.

Finishing out his travel writing itinerary, across to the east coast and
back, he often told others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory.
(One Canadian local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate
greeting for an Indian Chief than 'Gidday mate'."

So upon his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later, he was mildly
surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby,
fully occupied whittling away on a stick.  The Aussie travel-writer
immediately approached him and following the advice given said, "How?".

Without looking up the Chief answered, "Scrambled."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now a short but topical contribution from Ewen Silvester (the fact
     that this is still topical after 12 months just goes to show ...):
                            --------------

This is from a contest on Long Island.  The requirements were to use the
words Lewinski and Kaczynski (the Unabomber) in a limerick.  Here are the
three winners:

Entry #1:

   There once was a gal named Lewinsky
   Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
   'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
   On this flute made of beef
   That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Entry #2:

   Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky
   We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
   Since you look such a mess,
   Use the hem of your dress
   And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

Entry #3:

   Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
   What Kaczynski must surely have known:
   That an intern is better
   Than a bomb in a letter
   Given the choice of how to be blown.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - time for a couple from that mail list out west:
                          ---------------

A man dies, goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his
first punishment.

The devil leads him to a room in which there is someone chained to the
wall being whipped.  The man is not keen on this and asks to see the next
room.

In the next room, a middle aged man is flailing around in flames.  So he
asks to see the third room.

This room contains a very, very old man seated in a plush chair.  A
gorgeous blonde is kneeling in front of him administering a blow job.

The newcomer looks at the devil with a smile and says, "I'll take it."

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
"You can stop now; we've got a replacement."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------

  ... and ...

              Epitaphs taken from actual tombstones in the U.S.

In Uniontown, Pennsylvania:

          Here lies the body
          of Jonathan Blake
          Stepped on the gas
          Instead of the brake.

In Silver City, Nevada:

          Here lays Butch,
          We planted him raw.
          He was quick on the trigger,
          But slow on the draw.

In Vermont:

          Sacred to the memory of
          my husband John Barnes
          who died January 3, 1803
          His comely young widow, aged 23, has
          many qualifications of a good wife, and
          yearns to be comforted.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:

          Sir John Strange
          Here lies an honest lawyer,
          And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in Wimborne, England:

          Reader if cash thou art
          In want of any
          Dig 4 feet deep
          And thou wilt find a Penny.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:

          Under the sod and under the trees
          Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
          He is not here, there's only the pod:
          Pease shelled out and went to God.

For Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

          Born 1903 - Died 1942
          Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
          the elevator was on the way down.  It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

          Here lies an Atheist
          All dressed up
          And no place to go.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


     This next collection was forwarded on by Eric Frazer:
                           --------------

A lawyer was sitting in his office when there was a knock on the door.
He opened it, and there stood the Devil himself.

"I'm here to make you a deal," explained the Devil. "I will increase your
income tenfold, your partners will love and trust you, your clients will
respect you, you'll have five months holidays every year and you'll live
to be 120."

"All I want in return are your wife's soul, your children's souls, and
THEIR children's souls.  They must then ROT IN HELL FOREVER."

"Hang on a minute," said the lawyer. "Where's the catch?"
                           #   #   #   #   #   #


Doctor: "Nurse, why is there a nun crying in the waiting room?"

Nurse: "I just told her she was pregnant."

Doctor: "A nun?  Pregnant?"

Nurse: "Well, she's not really.  But I completely cured her hiccups!"
                           #   #   #   #   #   #


                           Computers Made Stupid

      Dr. Computer Science answers computer questions ...

Q:  What are bits and bytes?

A:  Bits and Bytes are what a binary (base 2) computer uses to think.
    Binary computers only think about food, so the units of thought are
    expressed in terms of eating processes.  A bit is the smallest amount
    of cauliflower your child can eat and still get away with saying that
    he has had a bit of cauliflower.  A byte is an entire piece of
    cauliflower.

    A byte usually contains eight bits, unless you are eating on a DEC,
    some of which allow a byte to vary in size from a single bit to 36
    bits.  This is possible only on a DEC since only there can your child
    manage to drop small pieces of cauliflower through the spaces between
    the floorboards, leaving fewer bits on the plate.  With fewer bits on
    the plate, each bit is a larger percentage of the whole, so a byte
    gets smaller.


Q:  My computer has 16 Meg of RAM.  My friend's has 2 Meg of ROM.  Who
    was more memory?

A:  Your Friend.  RAM memory usually forgets everything when you turn off
    the power.  That means that when the power is off, you have NO RAM
    memory.  ROM memory remembers everything, even when the power is off.
    How much more memory does your friend have? That depends on how much
    you turn off your computer.  You'd have to keep your computer turned
    on all the time for you to have the same amount of memory as your
    friend.

Q:  Why does my disk have free space?

A:  It's a bonus from the manufacturer, to make you think you got a
    bargain.  Notice how that free space decreases as time goes on.
    That's because your disk is becoming less of a bargain.  When the free
    space becomes zero, you'll have only the disk you paid for.  This
    usually causes great depression and concern because then you realise
    how little the dollar buys.

Q:  Motherboard, daughterboard, backplane, front panel ... just what does
    it all mean?

A:  That's all sales talk.  First came mainframe computers.  They were big
    and impersonal.  Then came personal computers.  They were "user
    friendly".  Now, a computer is no longer a single machine.  We have
    computer families.  The daddy computer talks to his daughters via the
    motherboard.  Nobody drives, they all take the bus.  Or the pulse
    train.  Computers are sometimes like committees, they have several
    parts wasting time by doing the same thing at the same time.  They
    argue a lot about who gets the front seat and who gets to drive.
    That's why they need bus arbitration.

Q:  What is cash memory, and why does it make computers faster?

A:  Cash memory is the part of the computer that remembers how much money
    you spent on your computer.  The more you spend on your computer, the
    faster it will work.  That's why the million dollar computers work so
    fast - they have more cash memory than you do.

Q:  But what if I paid by cheque or a credit card?

A:  The computer will find out.  Every time you turn on the computer, the
    cash memory checks to see if the cheque was cashed.  This is the
    memory check.  The memory won't work until it's paid for.
                           #   #   #   #   #   #


                 Crenna's Law of Political Accountability

 If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going
    to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal
    duties.

                        Hempstone's Question
        If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?

                   Hitchcock's Staple Principle

        The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying
        to staple something.

                         Hoffer's Discovery

        The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly
        revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.

                   Immutability - the Three Rules of.

        (1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.
        (2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.
        (3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.

                 McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance

        When travelling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first
        to lie down and rest.

                            Mix's Law

        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building.
        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.

                      Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb

        Never use your thumb for a rule.  You'll either hit it with a
        hammmer or get a splinter in it.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Arrgghhhh ... look, we can't really finish without a couple of the
      more typical McCallum jokes.  So, to conclude for the week:
                           --------------------

 When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the
moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap
for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, including the
usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

 Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic remark: "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

 Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning
some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, they found that
there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck
Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

 Just under four years ago (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL),
while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the
26 year old question to Armstrong.  This time he finally responded.
Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer
the question.

 When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbour's bedroom windows.

    His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up
the ball, the young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.
"Oral sex? You want Oral Sex!!!???  You'll get oral sex when the kid next
door walks on the moon!"
                         #   #   #   #   #   #

    ... and lastly of all ...

Two blokes talking over a beer discussing various sex positions.  First
bloke says his favourite position is the "rodeo".

Of course, the other bloke immediately wants to know what this position
is and how to do it.

"Well, get your wife to get on the bed on all fours and do it doggy
style.  Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it,
lean forward and whisper in her ear:  `Your sister likes this position
too' - then just try and hang on for 8 seconds."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




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