Friday humour - April 30, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
Fairly large collection again this week (the joke coffers are still
bursting at the seams), although it's mostly short stuff.

First up - this one from John over at our (once) Museum of Victoria:
                    -----------------------------


                          THIS WEEK'S TRIVIA

An ostrich's eye is bigger that it's brain. (Duh)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (Lucky pig)

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

It was discovered on a space mission that a frog can throw up.  The frog
throws up its stomach first, so the stomach is dangling out of its
mouth.  Then the frog uses its forearms to dig out all of the stomach's
contents and then swallows the stomach back down again.

Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it
has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls
off the twentieth floor.  It supposedly takes about eight floors for the
cat to realise what is occurring, relax and correct itself.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks,
otherwise it will digest itself.

101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features
with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.

'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the lefthand.

A whale's penis is called a dork.

To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its
eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.

Reindeer like to eat bananas.

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the
air (the horse, that is), the person died in battle; if the horse has one
front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in
battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of
natural causes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or
purple.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
Hancock and Charles Thomson.  Most of the rest signed on August 2,but the
last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."

Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which
stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - now to our infamous Westerly List for two quick contributions:
                         ----------------

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front
of the Doctor.  The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the
table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird, but he does as he's told.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he
can.

The man cries in great agony: 'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!!!'.

The Doctor says, "Good!  Come again tomorrow and we'll learn B."

                         #   #   #   #   #   #


A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a
waggon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.  The
farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.  The farmer
said, "That's twice."

After a little while, the poor old horse stumbled again.  The farmer
didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun,
and shot the horse.

His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, screaming, "That
was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


     This next one forwarded on for your reading pleasure by Tom Burns:
                             -----------------

Two Irish men walk into a pet shop.  Right away they go over to the
exotic bird section.  Gerry says to Pat "Dats dem".  The clerk comes
over and asks if he can help them.

"Yea , we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage up dere" says Gerry,
"Put dem in a peerper bag".

The clerk complies, and the two guys leave the shop.  They get into
Gerry's van and drive for two hours until they are high up in the hills,
and they finally stop at the top of a cliff with a 500 foot drop.

"Dis look loike a good place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh yea, dis look good"
replies Pat.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.  "Hail fockin Mary, I guess I
get to go first, eh boy?" says Gerry.  He then takes two birds out of the
bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.  Pat watches
as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds
followed by a "SPLAT".

As Pat looks over the cliff he shakes his head and says: "Fock dat, dis
budgie jumping is too fockin dangerous for me !"
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


     Now for another of those which I recently filched off Terry Lane's
     web site:
                            -----------------

                     THE EDWARD BULWAR LYTTON PRIZE

The Edward Bulwar Lytton prize is awarded every year to the author of the
worst possible opening line of a book.  This has been so successful that
Penguin now publishes five books-worth of entries.  Some recent winners:

"As a scientist, Throckmorton knew that if he were ever to break wind in
the sound chamber he would never hear the end of it."

"Just beyond the Narrows the river widens."

"With a curvaceous figure that Venus would have envied, a tanned
unblemished oval face framed with lustrous thick brown hair, deep
azure-blue eyes fringed with long black lashes, perfect teeth that vied
for competition, and a small straight nose, Marilee had a beauty that
defied description."

"Andre, a simple peasant, had only one thing on his mind as he crept
along the east wall: "Andre creep ... Andre creep...  Andre creep..."

"Stanislaus Smedley, a man always on the cutting edge of narcissism, was
about to give his body and soul to a back-alley sex-change surgeon -  to
become the woman he loved."

"Although Sarah had an abnormal fear of mice, it did not keep her from
seeking out a living at a local pet store."

"Stanley looked quite bored and somewhat detached, but then penguins
often do."

"Like an overripe beefsteak tomato rimmed with cottage cheese, the
corpulent remains of Santa Claus lay dead on the hotel floor."

"Mike Hardware was the kind of private eye who didn't know the meaning of
the word 'fear,' a man who could laugh in the face of danger and spit in
the eye of death - in short, a moron with suicidal tendencies."

    AND THE BEST OF ALL:

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the
greensward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window,
revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in
frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her,
disbelieving the magnitude of the toad's deception, screaming madly: 'You
lied!'"
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


     Now for a couple from Nestor over at ANL (who I hope has now
     recovered from the 'flu that he contracted immediately on his return
     from Oz):
                             -----------------

                                  HONESTY

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband
about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth
time, "Just how many women *have* you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell
her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen....."

                         #   #   #   #   #   #


A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.  The audience was
different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same
tricks over and over again.  There was only one problem: the captain's
parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick.

Once he understood ... well, he'd started shouting in middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table."  "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.  It was, after all, the
captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician found himself on
a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the
parrot.  They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day and then another.

On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "Okay, I give up!
Where's the ship?"
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


     Now it's time to revisit Monash (Caulfield Campus - where the parking
     is _so_ bad) - for another contribution from Caroline:
                             --------------

                        SPORTING COMMENTATOR GEMS

"And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few
weeks ago"

"Once Tony Daley opens his legs you've got a problem"

"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs"

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race,
only exactly the opposite"

After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't
underestimate them..  They were just a lot better than we thought"

"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand"

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get
his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."

"Ah!  Isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the
cox of the Oxford crew" (Harry Carpenter)

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry.  What chance do you think Germany
has of getting through?
Terry Venables: "I think it's 50-50."

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of
play" (Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they
equalised" (Ian McNail)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a
lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost"
(Frank Bruno)

"Henry Horton's got a funny stance.  It looks as if he's shitting on a
shooting stick." (Brian Johnstone)

"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David
Coleman)

"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father"
(Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them
serious" (Alan Minter)

"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running"
(Ron Pickering)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel.  Call it 9.5 seconds in round
numbers" (Murray Walker)

"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like
Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)

"A brain Scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress
fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)

"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back.  In fact I'm
right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right"
(Marlon Starling)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing
again" (Terry Venables)

"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge"
(John Snagge - Boat Race)

"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round."
(Tony Cozier)
   ---------------------------------------------------------------


     This final one is another of those overdue contributions - passed on
     by both Rowan Davidson (CSIRO) and David Magnay (Telstra) in August
     of last year.  I suspect that Nicki A-O may have also forwarded it
     on at some stage or other (but if she didn't, she should have):
                            ------------------

         Today's tutorial is "TEACHING MATHS - a Social History."
         --------------------------------------------------------

    Teaching Maths in 1950:

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is
4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?

    Teaching Maths in 1960:

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit?

    Teaching Maths in 1970:

A logger exchanges a set "T" of timber for a set "M" of money.  The
cardinality of set "M" is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar.

Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M".  The set "C", the
cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M".

Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question:  What is the cardinality of the set  "P" for profits?

    Teaching Maths in 1980:

A logger sells a truckload of timber for $100.  Her cost of production is
$80 and her profit is $20.  Your assignment:  Underline the number 20.

    Teaching Maths in 1990:

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.  What do
you think of this way of making a living?  Topic for class participation
after answering the question: How did the forest birds and koalas feel as
the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers.

    Teaching Maths in 1996:

By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from
$80 to $100.  How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by
exercising his share options at $80?  Assume capital gains are no longer
taxed, because this encourages investment.

    Teaching Maths in 1997:

A company outsources all of its loggers.  The firm saves on benefits, and
when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be
cut back.  The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had
three weeks annual leave, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.  The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour.  Was outsourcing a good move?

    Teaching Maths in 1998:

A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from
his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate
offices and goes berserk, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of
secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises
collecting his kickback.  Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the
company?

    Teaching Maths in 1999:

A laid-off logger serving time in Long Bay prison for blowing away
several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on
Y2K projects.  What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will
open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?
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[ End Fri humour ]




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