Friday humour - April 23, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
Over lunch a cupla days ago, the subject somehow strayed onto the infamous
"Darwin Awards".  It occurred to me that a re-run of 2 or 3 of the best
ones from the past few years may be in order.  We'll get onto those a bit
later, but a few contributions first.  First up - a rather incredible
little story which was forwarded on by Ian Mad(sen) back around February:
                          ----------------------

            From a news conference held by a hospital in Salt Lake City.

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake.  But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told the bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong.  "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot (our gerbil) in," he explained.  "As usual, Kiki shouted out
'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough.  I tried to retrieve Raggot but
he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match,
thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next.  "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and flame
shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning
his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn
ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the
rodent out like a cannonball."  Tomaszewski suffered second-degree burns
and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered
first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

(Addendum from the original author:)

    Okay, here are the top ten things that scared me the most in reading
    this story.

10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."  Argh!

9. "So I peered into the tube..."  Err - I'm sorry, but that's like
   looking through a telescope into hell.  I'd rather use binoculars to
   stare at the sun.

8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot
   out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky and
   Bullwinkle.

7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's
   anus.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said gerbil was
   springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

6. People walking around with these volcanic like pockets of gas in their
   rectums.

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing
   when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I would have
   made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends
   breaking into my house and sodomising me with a charcoal lighter
   before I admitted the truth.  Call me old fashioned, but I can't
   imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well doc, it's like this.  See
   we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

4. "First and second degree burns to the anus."  Wouldn't this make the
   burning itch and discomfort of haemorrhoids a welcome relief?  How
   does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this?  And the
   smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on
   the face of God's green earth.

3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for "Idiot
   white men who insert rodents up their butts."

2. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?

1. This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
   Mormons?  I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now a short one from Nestor (ANL in Illinois).  This was also
     forwarded on by David Magnay (over at Telstra):
                            -------------------

  Date: January 1, 2000

  Re:   Holiday Pay

    Dear Valued Employee,

  Our records indicate that you have not used any recreation leave over
  the past 100 year(s).

  As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 4 weeks of paid leave
  per year or pay in lieu of time off.

  Please take 9,400 days off work, or if this should be inconvenient,
  notify our office and your next pay cheque will reflect payment of
  $8,277,432.22 (which will include all pay and interest for the past
  1,200 months).

     Sincerely,

        Automated Payroll Processing
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      This one (equally short) was just forwarded on by Theo Rodopoulos:
                              --------------------

        The Morning Song (for non-morning people)

        I woke early one morning,
        The earth lay cool and still
        When suddenly a tiny bird
        Perched on my window sill,
        He sang a song so lovely
        So carefree and so gay,
        That slowly all my troubles
        Began to slip away.
        He sang of far off places
        Of laughter and of fun,
        It seemed his very trilling,
        brought up the morning sun.
        I stirred beneath the covers
        Crept slowly out of bed,
        And gently lowered the window
        And crushed his fucking head.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      (Must admit I have felt like that after some particularly long study
       nights :-).  Next one was recently passed on by Dave (Sooty) Moors:
                             ------------------

                        17 HANDY PHRASES FOR MEETINGS

1.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

2.  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

3.  I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

4.  I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.

5.  I'm just visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

6.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about
    you.

7.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

8.  No, my powers can only be used for good.

9.  I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

10. You're starting to sound reasonable.  Time to increase my medication.

11. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

12. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

13. I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.

14. My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!

15. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

16. You're validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

17. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself
    in public.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now for some (somewhat naughty) one-liners from our westerly list:
                        ---------------------

Q:  Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A:  Ask your mother.

Q:  What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A:  Michael Jackson's hand.

Q:  How are tornados and marriage alike?
A:  They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
    lose your house.

Q:  What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A:  A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with
    everybody at the party except you.

Q:  What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A:  "Honey, I'm home."

Q:  Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
    same day in Iraq?
A:  They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q:  What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A:  A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

Q:  Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A:  Because men fake foreplay.

Q:  What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A:  When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q:  A woman of 35 thinks of having children.  What does a man of 35 think of?
A:  Dating children.

Q:  What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A:  Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q:  What did One gay sperm say to another?
A:  How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q:  What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A:  It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q.  How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A.  Two.  The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q.  How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A.  Pleasing!

Q.  How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it
    is bedtime?
A.  When the big hand touches the little hand...

Q:  When is a pixie not a pixie?
A:  When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin'.

Q.  What's the definition of a Yankee?
A.  Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.

Q:  How does every ethnic joke start?
A:  By looking over your shoulder.

Q:  How can you tell if a valentine card is from a leper?
A:  The tongue's still in the envelope.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Now, haven't you ever been just a little tempted (when filling out
      a job application) to answer the (often stupid) questions in just
      the way they deserve?  Well, this is an actual job application that
      someone submitted at a McDonald's take-away, AND THEY HIRED HIM!
      (Editor's note: I would have hired him too)
                                  -------------------

NAME:             Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.  Ha-ha ... but seriously, whatever's available.
                  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
                  applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY:   $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
                  style severance package.  If that's not possible make an
                  offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION:        Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD:  I was a target for middle management hostility.

FINAL SALARY:        Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
                          post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING:       It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.

PREFERRED HOURS:          1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
      Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:  If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?:   Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question here would be:
                     "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
    I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?:  Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who
    thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.  Actually, I'd like to
    be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?:   No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE:  Scorpio with Libra rising
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Here's another contribution from Jean.  (She received
      this one from Carolynn over at the Ian Wark Library):
                               ---------------

                     YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN SYDNEY WHEN ...

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.

You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train schedule because you know the
drivers have never seen it.

You can't remember ... _is_ dope _illegal_?

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm
donor.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You assume that every company offers domestic partner benefits.

Your child's third-grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is
named "Breeze."  And after telling that to a friend, they still need to
ask if the teacher's male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between
yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web
site class.

You haven't been to Darling Harbour since the first month you moved to
Sydney and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Sydney Tower if your
life depended on it.

A man walks on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps.
You don't notice.

A woman walks on bus with live poultry.  You don't notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the
North Shore.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers
your mail is straight and your Avon Lady is a guy in drag.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     And finally (except for the Darwin replays), this one from John over
     at our (non-existent) Museum of Victoria:
                              ----------------

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried
in a dark blue suit.

He asks: "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that
he's wearing?"

"No", she insists as she hands him a cheque to buy one. "It must be blue."

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and
he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she
loves the suit and asks how much it cost.

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything.  The funniest thing
happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one
wearing a blue suit."

"I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow
if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.  She said
that was fine with her ... so I switched the heads."
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now - as promised, a replay of three "classic" Darwin awards.
     These would have to be about the best which have forwarded on
     to me since 1994.

     Firstly, for the uninitiated, the explanation of the award goes
     something like this:

     "The Darwin Awards - an annual honour given to the person who did
     the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most
     extraordinarily stupid way."

     I can't find the date for this first one (it was circa 1996):
                            --------------------------

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded
into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve.
The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.
The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.  The lab finally figured
out what it was and what had happened.

It seems that a guy had somehow obtained a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take
Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military
transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.  He
had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight
stretch of road.  Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in,
got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best could be determined are that the operator of the 1967
Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from
the crash site.  This was established by the prominent scorched and melted
asphalt at that location.  The JATO, if operating properly, would have
reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach
speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an
additional 20-25 seconds.

The driver (soon-to-be pilot) most likely would have experienced G-forces
usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners,
basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the
event.  However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about
2.5 miles (15-20) seconds before the driver applied and completely melted
the brakes, blowing the tires, leaving thick rubber marks on the road
surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting
the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet
deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recovered, although small fragments
of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and
bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion
of the steering wheel.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     And the second one:

The 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles.  Larry is one of the few to
win the Darwin Award and still be alive:

Larry's boyhood dream was to fly.  When he graduated from high school, he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him.  When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.

One day, Larry brightened up.  He decided to fly.  He went to the local
Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several
tanks of helium.  The weather balloons, when fully inflated, measured
more than four feet across.  Back home, Larry securely strapped the
balloons to his sturdy lawn chair.  He anchored the chair to the bumper
of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium.  He climbed on for
a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.

Satisfied that it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a
six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun - figuring he could pop a
few balloons when it was time to descend - and went back to the floating
lawnchair where he tied himself in along with his pellet gun and
provisions.  Larry's plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30
feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours
come back down.

Things didn't quite work out for Larry.  When he cut the cord anchoring
the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to 30 or so feet.
Instead, he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon.  He didn't
level off at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet.  After climbing
and climbing, he levelled off at 11,000 feet.  At that height he couldn't
risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really
find himself in trouble.  So he stayed there, drifting cold and
frightened for more than 14 hours when he found himself in the primary
approach corridor of LAX.

A 747 pilot finally spotted Larry.  He radioed the tower and described
passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun.  Radar confirmed the existence
of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport.  LAX emergency
procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to
investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean.  Night was falling and the offshore breeze
began to flow.  It carried Larry out to sea.  Right on Larry's heels was
the helicopter.  Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry.
Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to
close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away
whenever they neared.

Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above
Larry and lowered a rescue line.  Larry snagged the line, with which he
was hauled back to shore, a difficult manoeuvre, flawlessly executed by
the helicopter crew.

As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members
of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace.  As he was led away in handcuffs,
a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue, asked him why he had
done it.  Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't
just sit around."

Here's a salute to Larry Walters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


    And finally:
    ------------

             Once again, Science triumphs over Budweiser

We have many transmission lines that criss-cross the state.  These are
held up by transmission towers of different construction.  Near most
urban areas, these are normally "Metal Ornamental Towers" (they are
supposed to be prettier than wood towers).

Sometimes we have folks who feel it would be nice to climb these towers
and enjoy the night air.  Most enjoy their view, stay away from the
wires, and, when they get bored, come back down.

Well, this is a story of a fella who was a little despondent over a recent
fight with a girlfriend and decided he needed a little fresh air to clear
his head.  So, "let's climb a tower".  He proceeded to climb a tower
south of Hartford next to I-91.  Before he got to his tower, though, he
decided to stop for a six-pack to help clear his thoughts.

Here our Darwin Award nominee sits 60 feet above the highway, drinking his
beer, consoling his bruised ego.  Our friend had 5 beers when he decided
he needed the services of a men's room.  It being of such a long hike
down, he unzips and decides to do his business right there off the tower.

Now, electricity is a funny thing.  You don't need to touch a wire in
order to get shocked.  On these 115,000 volt lines, depending on the
conditions, you could be as far away as 6 feet (2 metres) and still get
zapped.  Well, our friend proceeded to "whiz" near the conductor
(wire).  The power promptly arced to his "stream" (salt water is a most
excellent conductor of electricity), followed up to his private parts,
and blew him off the tower.

The guys where I work noticed a momentary outage on this line, and sent
workmen to see if there was any damage.  When they got to the scene of
the accident, they found a very dead person, his fly down, what was left
of his private parts smoking, and a single beer left on top of the tower.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




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