Friday humour - April 16, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
And it's a bit of a "bumper issue" this week (as in long-ish :-).

Many of you would remember that exceptionally clever BBC radio programme
called "My Word".  (I believe you can still hear replays on the ABC here
in Australia ... if you're prepared to get up at 5:30am.)

For those who've never heard it, at one point, the panel members would be
given a phrase or a sentence, and then had to come up with an invented
story that ended with that "seed" as the "punch line".  And this initial
contribution (from Tom Burns) could have been just such a tale ...
                          ----------------------

A teacher left her aide in the classroom to distribute the examination
materials to the graduating class of the all-male private school.  Her
final instructions were "Be sure to hand everything out very carefully
and deliberately."  The aide puzzled over this for a moment but couldn't
understand it.

He began giving out the papers, but due to his inexperience found himself
only a quarter done with just a few minutes left until the exam was due
to start.  Desperate, he gathered up the rest of the sheets and began to
throw them across the room, yelling "Catch!" to each student as he did
so.  At first it was kind of a playful game, but soon he noticed that even
the students not involved in the sport were beginning to breath heavier.
As the panting turned into grunting, he began to be a little nervous and
backed toward the door, staring from side to side as the behaviour became
more and more -- the only word he could think of - - primitive.

As he reached the bottom of the pile of papers and pitched it to the last
student, the room erupted with howling and growling.  He was certain he
could see the students physically transforming before his eyes.  With a
shout of fright he turned and ran as quickly as he could to the teachers'
lounge.

The teacher took one look at him and leapt to her feet.  Startled, he put
a hand to his face and, with a shock, felt a heavy growth of beard that
certainly hadn't been there that morning.

Without a word, the teacher rushed from the room, grabbing her aide's
wrist on the way by.  Frantically, they sprinted back to the classroom.

As they rounded the corner, they saw that they were too late.  The door
had been torn from its hinges and they glimpsed the hairy back of the
missing-link-like creature that, until mere minutes before, had been a
student with at least a veneer of civilisation.  They entered the
classroom side by side and stopped dead, as though choreographed.  The
destruction was complete: desks smashed into fragments, blackboards
cracked, shredded sheets of the exam everywhere.

She said nothing, but the teacher's eyes were full of reproach.

"But ... but ... why did it happen?" asked the bewildered assistant.

"Oh, you fool!  Don't you know what happens to men when they get too much
 test tossed around?"
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     Next - a short one from Scott Atkinson over at CSIRO Land and Water
     in Wembley, WA:
                            --------------------

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realises he is lost.  He reduces
height and spots a man down below.  He lowers the balloon further and
shouts:  "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the balloonist.

"I do" replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but it's no use to anyone."

The man below says "You must work in business."

"I do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're
going, but you expect me to be able to help.  You're in the same position
you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now for another one recently forwarded on by Steve Harding:
                         -------------------

The hare-lipped toothbrush salesman comes in to his manager's office to
give a report on his first week at work.

"Well, son - how'd you do?" asks the manager.

"Well thir, I thold two toothbrutheth." replied the salesman.

"Two!" shouts the manager. "You're never going to make a living that way."

"Well thir, I don't know what to do, people juth won't buy my toothbrutheth."

The manager thinks and says, "Sounds to me like you need a gimmick."

The salesman asks, "Whath's a geemick?"

The manager explains, "A gimmick is something you use to entice, excite and
motivate your customer about your product or service. A jingle, a slogan,
something to make your customer feel a need for your product or service."

The salesman goes, thinking "Hmm ... I gueth I'll have to get me a geemick."

He returns at the end of the next week to give his report.

The manager asks, "Well son - how'd you do this week?"

The salesman beams, "Well thir, I thold 185,353 toothbrutheth."

The manager leaps up, "My gosh, what did you do?"

The salesman grins and says, "I took your advith and got me a geemick."

The manager, excited now, says, "Well, out with it, son!  What's your
gimmick?  We need to pass this on to the rest of the staff.  We'll make
millions!"

The salesman says, "Well, thir - ith like thith.  I found me a real bithy
thtreet corner and I thet up a table and a chair.  On the table I put out
thum chipth and dip.  People would come up to the corner waiting to croth
the thtreet and I would thay, 'Hey, while your waiting, how about thun
chipth and dip?' They would thay, 'Thure!'  Then they would take a chip,
get 'em thum dip and thtart to eat it.  Then they would say, 'Hey thith
tath like thit!'  I would say, 'It ith thit.  Want to buy a toothbruth?'
  -------------------------------------------------------------------------

     This next one's from a very occasional contributor in the form of
     one Paul Fazey:
                            -------------------

                              THE PERFECT DAY

        FOR HER:

8.15  Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8.30  Weigh in 2 Kg lighter than yesterday.

8.45  Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants;
      open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9.15  Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10.00 Light workout at club with handsome funny personal trainer.

10.30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, comb-out.

12.00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

12.45 Catch sight of husband's/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 8 Kg.

1.00  Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3.00  Nap.

4.00  Three dozen roses delivered by florist, with card from secret admirer.

4.15  Light workout at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle
      hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5.30  Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before full
      length mirror.

7.30  Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
      received from other diners/dancers

10.00 Hot shower (alone).

11.00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11.15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


        FOR HIM (warning - slightly naughty):

6.00  Alarm

6.15  Blow job

6.30  Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section

7.00  Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by
      naked buxom wench

7.30  Limo arrives

7.45  Stoli Bloody Mary en route to airport

9.15  Flight in personal Lear Jet

9.30  Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job enroute)

9.45  Play front nine (2 under)

11.45 Lunch - two dozen oysters, 3 crown lagers, a bottle of Perignon

12.15 Blow job

12.30 Play back nine (4 under)

2.15  Limo back to the airport (Bombay gin and Tonic)

2.30  Fly to Great Barrier Reef

3.30  Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

4.30  Land world record Marlin (1234 lbs) on light tackle

5.00  Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson

6.45  Shit, shower and shave

7.00  Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; Bill Clinton and Paula
      Jones animal farm video released and authenticated

7.30  Dinner-lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet
      steak, bottle of Grange

9.00  Napoleon Brandy and Partagas cigar in front of wall size TV as you
      watch the highlights of your favourite team scoring at the last
      second to win the world championship.

9.30  Sex with three women(preferably with some lesbian tendencies)

11.00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale

11.30 A night cap blow job

11.45 In bed alone

11.50 Twelve second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog
      to leave the room.
   -------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - here we go with the regular contribution from our infamous
      "other half" (the list from 'out west') - in fact, maybe even two
      or three this week:
                             --------------------

This is an extract of an National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a
female broadcaster and US Army Lieutenant General Reinwald about
sponsoring a Boy Scout Troop on his military installation.

Interviewer: "So, LTG Reinwald, what are you going to do with these young
boys on their adventure holiday?"

LTG Reinwald: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting!  That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity
to be teaching children?"

LTG Reinwald: "I don't see how; we'll be teaching them proper range
discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

LTG Reinwald: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?"

  End of interview
                             #  #  #  #  #

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed.  He smelled the aroma of his
favourite chocolate chip cookies baking.  He wanted one last cookie before
he died.  He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking
cookies.

With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to
lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.  As he grasped a warm, moist,
 chocolate chip cookie--his favourite kind--his wife suddenly whacked his
 hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered.   "Why'd you do that?"

"They're for the funeral," she replied
                             #  #  #  #  #

   (Warning - next one's slightly naughty):

A deaf mute walks into chemists to buy condoms.  He has difficulty
communicating with chemist and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on
the counter and puts down a five pound note next to it.

The chemist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf mute and then
picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.  Exasperated, the deaf
mute begins to curse the chemist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the chemist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
   -----------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now back to another local contributor, Nicky Agron-Olshin.  It's
     another group of three:
                              ----------------

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods.  As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide
announcements, such as (eg): "I have a customer in hardware who needs
assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the PA system with the
following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs
assistance."
                            #  #  #  #  #

A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders.
But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the
problem: a 10 year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a
huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."  A little more
investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy
about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading "TIPS" and a
bucket at his feet, full of change.
                             #  #  #  #  #

               Eleven reasons to join E-MAILERS ANONYMOUS:

1.   You name your children eudora, hotmail, and outlook

2.   You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you
     just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3.   You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ...
     and your child in the overhead compartment.

4.   You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

5.   You refer to going to the bathroom as "downloading".

6.   You can't call your mother because she doesn't have a modem.

7.   You check your mail.  It says "No New Messages", so you check it again.

8.   You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
     because they have neutral names and you never bothered to ask.

9.   You tell the cab driver that you live at
     Click here

10.  You tilt your head sideways to smile.

11.  After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend.
     -----------------------------------------------------------------------


    And to finish off this (slightly larger than normal) edition, a
    topical one which was forwarded on by Kate D Hawkins over at Kodak:
                          ----------------------

Deer Park is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games.  In order to
increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least
some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat.  Fierce
competition is expected from rival areas such as Footscray, Frankston,
Thomastown, and Sunshine.

                          THE OPENING CEREMONY

The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the City wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and moccasins,
with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with
oversized stomach.

                              THE EVENTS

   100 metres Sprint

Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a Microwave (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a Police Dog will be
released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.

   100 metre Hurdles

As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences,
walls, train etc.

   Hammer Throw

Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc).  The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.

   Shooting

A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event.  The first
target will be a moving Police vehicle.  In the second round competitors
will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video
Store Attendant.

   Boxing

Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will
take place on a Friday Night.  The husband will be given 15 Pots of VB at
the Deer Park Club followed by a quick peek in a lap dancing joint, Mens
Gallery while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he
gets home.  She will be wearing Bike pants, short top and thongs.

   Cycling Time-Trials

The competitor will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will
obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummies Boy (preferably from Westbourne
Grammar or Chisolm College).  They will then be racing against the clock.
Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at the time of
taking the bike.

   Modern Pentathlon

Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a
Motor Vehicle, Arson, Wilful Exposure.

   Men's 50 Kilometer Walk

Unfortunately this will have to be canceled as organisers cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Deer Park.

   Gymnastics

The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Deer Park
Club.  The event will commence at Closing time - we expect some extremely
difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus.  The floor routine
will be conducted in the padded cell of the Sunshine Watchhouse.

                          THE CLOSING CEREMONY

Entertainment will include the Local Koori Dancing Group accompanied by a
local heavy metal band.  The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by local
representatives by urinating from the base of the spire in a cascading
effect.  The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes break
into it and remove all the copper piping and air-conditioners.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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