Friday humour - April 09, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
First up this week is one of those little gems which could easily have been
one of "The Age" odd-spots.  (For those of you who don't live in or know
Melbourne, "The Age" is one of our morning newspapers here.)  Short and
sweet - passed on by Nicki Agron-O a fair while ago:
                          ---------------------

                    WHO SAID TOKYO IS ALL WORK NO FUN?

Tokyo commuter Katsuo Katugoru caused havoc on a crowded tube train when
his inflatable underpants unexpectedly went off.  The rubber underwear
was made by Katsuo himself, and designed to inflate to 30 times its
original size in the event of a tidal wave.

"I am terrified of water, and death by drowning is my greatest fear" said
Katsuo, 48.  "Unfortunately I set them off accidentally while looking for
a boiled sweet on a rush hour train.  They were crushing everybody in the
carriage until a passenger stabbed them with a pencil."
   ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     And's a little tale that was forwarded on by Russell MacKinnon at
     around the same time (March 1998).  He suggested that "... this one
     might need to be slightly re-worded for Friday Humour.".  Arrrgh ...
     I won't bother (I love getting Russell into trouble :-):
                          ---------------------

The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was
entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.  For three
days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to
the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.

On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay
is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game,
Russian roulette.  One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you
spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."

This fazed the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior
people, and to show fear would be unthinkable.  Both men took their guns,
spun, and pulled the triggers.

 ... <click> <click>

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of
relief.

The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and
thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to
visit his country the next year.  When the visit came, the African
ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day
of his stay.  Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African
ambassador spoke.  "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African
roulette".

So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which
were six beautiful, naked women.

The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members
of one of our tribes.  Any one of them will give you a blow job - take
your pick".

The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the
connection with Russian Roulette.  He said "Well, ok, great, but where's
the roulette part?  Where's the danger?"

With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:  "One of
them's a cannibal ..."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     Now for another contribution from David (Fifi) McCallum:
                         ---------------

Note: All "real men" answer (c) to all of these questions.  Knowing this,
women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own
lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you
   are the first human they encounter.  As a token of intergalactic
   friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
   device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
   supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
   eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.  You
   decide to:

 (a) Present it to the President of the United States.

 (b) Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

 (c) Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss
   the most?

 (a) Innocence.

 (b) Idealism.

 (c) Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

 (a) When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for
     narrow-minded social conventions.

 (b) When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)

 (c) When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only
     really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business
     reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. What about hugging another male?

 (a) If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.

 (b) If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver.

 (c) If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home
     run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that:

    (i)   He is legally within the base path,

    (ii)  Both of you are wearing sufficient protection, and

    (iii) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause
          fractures.


5. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

 (a) A cat.

 (b) A dog.

 (c) A dog that eats cats.


6. You have been seeing a woman for several years.  She's attractive and
   intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her.  One leisurely Sunday
   afternoon the two of you are taking it easy.  You're watching a
   football game; she's reading the papers.  Suddenly, out of the clear
   blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she
   can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
   relationship is going.  She says she's not asking whether you want to
   get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
   future together.  What do you say?

 (a) That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you
     don't want to rush it.

 (b) That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
     honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
     commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

 (c) That you cannot believe the Tony Shaw is still the coach at Collingwood.


7. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to
   spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and the
   sorrows the world has to offer, come what may.  How do you tell her?

 (a) You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

 (b) You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name,
     and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and
     the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

 (c) Tell her what?


8. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to
   get your three children ready for school.  Your first question to her is:

 (a) "Do they need to eat or anything?"

 (b) "They're in school already?"

 (c) "There are three of them?"


9.  When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

 (a) When it has turned the colour of a dead whale and developed new holes
     so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended
     for your legs.

 (b) When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and
     has to be handled with tweezers.

 (c) It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear.  A real guy checks
     the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names,
     but this would be his wife) is quietly trying to discard his
     underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to
     have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.


10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
    fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
    before they finally got to the Promised Land?

 (a) He was being tested.

 (b) He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
     finally got there.

 (c) He refused to ask for directions.


11. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

 (a) Democracy.

 (b) Religion.

 (c) The remote control.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------


      Okay - now for one from our infamous list "out west":
                           ----------------

This man, Tom, was standing by the side of the road when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about fifty
feet back.  Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull
on a leash, and behind them were 200 men walking single file.

Tom couldn't stand his curiosity.  He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this before.  Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

Tom asked, "What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog bit her and she died."

Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law.  She was trying to help my wife when the
dog turned and bit her and she died."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

Then Tom asked, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------


     A few days ago, my cousin dropped by (as he tends to do somewhat
     infrequently), and the discussion turned to the ABC (the Australian
     Broadcasting Commission).  He mentioned that Terry Lane, who's been
     broadcasting (on and off) on the wireless now for many a long year,
     has his own web site.  So we went off to the computer and dialled in
     to have a squiz (it's Click here if you

     want to do likewise).

     One link leads to Terry's own "jokes archive", which I found most
     entertaining, and here's a bit of a sample (Terry requested that I add
     his name to this list, BTW :-)
                           -----------------


                    A FEEBLE JOKE TO OFFEND JEWS

Cohen pleaded with God. "Give me a break, God.  Let me win Tattslotto."

For day after day, week after week, month after month, Cohen was on his
knees begging. "God - if you are really there, let me win Tattslotto!"

The pleading went on for years until one night, just as Cohen was getting
really wound up into his maximum pleading mode, there was a flash of
lightning, a roll of thunder and a great, booming voice: "COHEN!"

"Is that you Lord?" squeaked Cohen.

"IT IS.  AND I'M HERE TO TELL YOU THAT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR PLEADING
FOR ME TO SET UP TATTSLOTTO SO THAT YOU WIN IT.  DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

"Yes Lord."

"COHEN - IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THAT YOU'VE GOT TO MEET ME HALF WAY."

"How's that Lord?"

"COHEN!  BUY A TICKET!"
                          #   #   #   #   #   #


    and ...

                           DESCARTES DISAPPEARS

The philosopher Rene Descartes went into McDonalds and ordered a Big
Mac.  The cash register kiddie asked him: "Do you want fries with that?'

The great man thought a moment and said: "I think not..."  And he vanished.

                          #   #   #   #   #   #


     and finally ...

                          DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

    August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay

Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in
a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to
the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of
Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert.

In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was
equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminium
straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new
Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.

Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages
on his mouth, "I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me
from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast
outwards and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra,
like a rocket."

However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use
high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the
firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough
so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.

What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those
delirious moments of divine inspiration.  First, because he failed to
sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute
between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the
orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the
conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of
the audience.

Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they
were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them,
passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into
row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the
people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos.  The sound of
collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds
increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons
and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.

Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography notwithstanding, back on
stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding.  According to Paolo, "Just as
I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still.  Everything
moved in slow motion.  Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I
could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say "Fur every akshon
zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!"

Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a
textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics.  Having failed
to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast
to send a superheated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the
trombone which exited the mouthpiece, burning his lips and face.

The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet.  The force of the blast was so
great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle,
turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards
off the riser.  And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost
his grip on the slide of the trombone, allowing the pressure of the hot
gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a
double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him
unconscious.

The moral of the story?  Beware the next time you hear someone in the
trombone section yell out "Hey, everyone - watch this!"
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[ End Fri humour ]




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