Friday humour - March 26, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Yo,
And the week it hath endeth nearly, once again.  I'm delving back even
further this week (to June/July of last year), because there's just so
much material from that period which has been buried for far too long.

Mind you - a lot of great material has arrived during the last few weeks
too, so I'm still falling behind (arrgghhh...)

First up in todays lot is one from David (Fifi) McCallum.  (By the way -
it's quite clean :-)
                          ---------------------

One night, the women in the Potato Head family were preparing dinner.
Mother Potato Head and her three daughters.  Midway through the
preparation of the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. "Mother?" she
said. "I have an announcement to make."

"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in
her eldest daughter's eyes. "Well," replied the daughter, "I'm getting
married!"

The other Potato daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato
exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest
daughter?"

"I'm marrying a Russet!"

"A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine
tater, a fine tater indeed!" said Mother Potato.

As they resumed the meal preparation, the middle daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."

"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato.  The middle daughter
paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"

"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the
good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?"

"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter.

"An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a
fine tater indeed!"

Once again the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the
future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. "Mother? Umm...
I, too, have an announcement to make."

"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as
her sisters before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but
I am getting married, as well!"

"That's wonderful.  Who are you marrying?" asked Mother Potato Head.

"I'm marrying Rex Hunt!" the youngest Potato daughter replied.

"Rex Hunt?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"
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     Actually, just looking around that (July 98) part of the jokes drawer,
there's quite a bit of other good material which managed to get buried for
no good reason.  For example, this quickie from Lisa Thomas:
                            -------------------

                        A TEXAN FARMER IN AUSTRALIA


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a holiday.  There he meets an Aussie
farmer and gets talking.  The Aussie shows off his big wheat farm, and the
Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat farms that are at least twice as large."


Then they walk around the farm a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle.  But the Texan quickly says, "We have longhorns that are
at least twice as large as those."

Well, the conversation almost died after that, but suddenly the Texan
caught sight of a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.  "Wow -
what the hell are those?"

The Aussie looked incredulous for a few seconds, and then said "What?
You mean to tell me you don't have grasshoppers in Texas?"
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     And this one - another quickie as forwarded on by Tom Burns:
                        ------------------

The new hooker just finished her first trick.  When she came back down to
the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and great looking sailor!"

"Wow! So what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said "Well, I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much.  So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he
didn't have that much either".

"In the end, I said, 'Well ... how much DO you have?'"

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker had then said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is a hand job".

He'd agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she recounted:
"So then, he pulled it out, and I put one hand on it, and then a second
hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand ..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge ... so what did
you do then?"

"I loaned him $75."
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      Russell over at Bushell's Tea House forwarded this one:
                             ----------------

             (To be sung to the tune of YESTERDAY)

Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my data - it's all gone away.  Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, there's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a deadline hanging over me.  The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong, what it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, the need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I thought my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.
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     This next collection comes from Vanessa J (courtesy of Julian :-).
     Also, at some stage or other, they were forwarded on by Brian McNicol
     (mate of DAJR) from the good ol' U.K:
                            ---------------

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar.  "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blow job."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir.  But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

                        %  %  %  %  %  %  %

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an
absolutely gorgeous woman.  They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book
about sexual statistics.  It identifies that American Indians have the
longest average penis, and Polish men have the biggest average diameter.
By the way, my name is Jill.  What's yours?"

"Tonto Kawalski - nice to meet you."

                        %  %  %  %  %  %  %

Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there for a number
of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle
slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  He vowed to overcome the
compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.  His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I
had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill ... you didn't?!"

"Yes, I did."

My God, Bill.  W-w-what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, no ... I m-m-mean, what happened with the p-p-pickle slicer?"

"Oh, she got fired too."
                        %  %  %  %  %  %  %


Q) What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?

A) "Now I know why you called your company Microsoft!"
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      And one from Lachlan:
          ----------

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, an aircraft passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it.  Screaming, she stands up in the front
of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.  Then she yells, "Well,
if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!
I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really
feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence.  Everyone has forgotten their own peril,
and they all stare - riveted - at the desperate woman in the front of the
plane.

Finally, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

Now, this guy is a gorgeous hunk.  Tall, well built, long, flowing black
hair, and jet black eyes.  He starts to walk slowly up the aisle,
unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.  No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man
approaches.

He removes his shirt.  Muscles ripple across his chest as he
reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling
woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."
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     Now, this next one's a slight twist on an "oldie but a goody".  It
     was forwarded on by Jean (courtesy of Caroline):
                            ---------------

Six surgeons are discussing who are the best patients on which to operate.

The first surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because
when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds: "Try electricians!  Everything inside them is colour
coded."

The third surgeon says: "No, librarians are the best.  Everything inside
them is neat and in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon intercedes: "I like construction workers...  they
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when
it takes longer than you expect."

The fifth surgeon says: "No, I prefer computer people.  They appreciate
that the operation could take forever with possible complications nobody
ever thought of and that the cost is open-ended".

The last surgeon says: "You're all wrong.  One Nation supporters are the
easiest.  There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are
interchangeable."
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     Okay - time for something from the List out West:
                        ----------------

  Around the corner I have a friend
    In this great city that has no end,
      Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
        And before I know it, a year is gone,
          And I never see my old friend's face,
            For life is a swift and terrible race,
              He knows I like him just as well,
                As in the days when I rang his bell,
                  And he rang mine.
                    Of course, we were younger then,
                    And now we are busy, tired men.
                  Tired of playing a foolish game,
                Tired of trying to make a name.
              "Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim"
            "Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
          But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes, And
        distance between us grows and grows.
      Around the corner!- yet miles away,
    "Here's a telegram sir-"
  "Jim died today."

      And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
      Around the corner, a vanished friend.
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      This next one wasn't "forwarded on" in the E-Mail sense, but rather
      it was told to me by Mike Horne over the lunch table.  It went
      something like this:
                             -------------------

A friend of Mike's was heading off overseas.  Ten or so minutes after
they'd taken off, the aircraft reached cruising altitude.

The intercom came on with the usual "plop" and the pilot announced:
"Good afternoon again, ladies and gentlemen.  We're now cruising at an
altitude of 37,000 feet, or 11,300 metres.  We're currently running a
little ahead of schedule, and we should be arriving at about 4:35pm local
time.  Our present airspeed is ... Oh, MY GOD!" (click)

Heads twisted from side to side as passengers variously glanced around at
each other, at the hostesses, out of any convenient window towards the
wings and engines, and even just at the intercom.  Everyone held their
breath, awaiting a continuation of the announcement, but there was just
dead silence.  Finally, after more than one minute:

(Plop): "Ladies and gentlement, I apologise for that interruption - I
just had a cup of hot coffee spilled in my lap.  Now, as I was saying..."
    ---------------------------------------------------------------------


      And to finish up ... another one which is really only a joke in
      the cynical (and somewhat frightening) sense.  You may remember
      hearing of the missile which went a bit off course and landed in
      Iran instead of Iraq recently?  "There'll always be the odd
      failure", we were told.

      And now things are bubbling over in Yugoslavia.  This extract relates
      to the previous (1996) skirmish in that area (Bosnia).  Forwarded
      on by David over at Telecom:
                             -----------------

RISKS-LIST: Risks-Forum Digest Friday 30 August 1996 Volume 18 : Issue 39
Subject:    US Army troubled by viruses in Bosnia PGN - excerpted from
            VIRUS-L Digest
Subject:    VIRUS-L Digest V9 #152]

Writing in an article entitled "US Army Seeks Computer Antivirus Plan" in
the 26 Aug 1996 issue of *Defense News* magazine, reporter Pat Cooper
reveals the US Army suffered from serious computer virus infections while
deployed in Bosnia.

Infections by Monkey, AntiEXE and Prank Macro caused computer software
malfunctions and related problems which "forced Army personnel to waste
hundreds of hours finding the viruses and cleaning them from the
systems...".   Apparently, imperfect Monkey virus removals also resulted
in non-critical data being lost from infected hard disks.

The widespread dispersal of the viruses on Army computers in Bosnia have
catalysed a review of information systems procedures and could have
implications for all future force deployments, servicewide, according to
Cooper and *Defense News*.

Army Captain Steve Warnock told Cooper that while virus computer trouble
was widespread, it affected only "non-sensitive data and did not
adversely affect the Bosnian mission."

Army officials pressed for solid recommendations that all computers be
checked for computer viruses prior to future deployments.  One suggestion
aired involved the maintenance of an on-line site from which Army
personnel could download current anti-virus software while in the field.

Pat Cooper commented to Crypt Newsletter that the US Army had used IBM Anti-
virus and McAfee Associates software while in Bosnia.
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[ End Friday humour ]




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