Friday humour - March 12, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Yo,
And shame, shame - 2 weeks I've missed, and late today.  Things have been
a bit frantic here over the past three weeks, mainly due to a
collaboratory I'm currently mixed up in.  (BTW - if you're interested,
you can have a peek at this project via Click here
When asked to log in, use "guest" with a password of "nestorwashere" -
but wait until after 5pm tonight (EDST)).

Onto some humour.  First up is something from one of Dave Rand's mates,
Bruce McCubbery:
                        ---------------------

Johnny's family move from Australia to New Zealand.  On the first day
each student is asked to count as high as they can.  Some students get to
20 but most can just get to about 10.  But Johnny gets all the way to 50
with no mistakes.

That night Johnny tells his dad how well he did.  His dad says, "That's
because you're from Australia, son".  The next day the teacher asks each
student to recite the alphabet.  Most can only manage about half way, yet
Johnny goes all the way to the end.

That night he brags to dad how well he did.  Dad explains again, "That's
because you're from Australia son." The next day the students have a game
of mini rugby.  Johnny doesn't do too well against the Kiwi kids, and he
gets knocked around a bit, but he is not that worried.  In the shower
later he can't help but notice that he is a little better endowed than
anyone else.

That night he boasts, "Dad mine is the biggest of anyone in my class.  Is
that because I'm from Australia too dad?" asks Johnny.  Dad shakes his
head, "No son," explains his dad, "that's because you're 23..."
     -------------------------------------------------------------


     Speaking of Dave Rand, here's one from cousin Michael:
                           ------------------


                              S.T.O.P.I.T.

Dear friend,

May I introduce myself, I am the Chairman of S.T.O.P.I.T. and I need
your help, both as a person of action and as a member.

I am so sick and tired of trying to work out who's who when clever
dicks write down the initials of organisations, I have started my own
campaigning club.

Membership is free, all you have to do is discontinue using initials.

Whenever you see initials used that you do not recognise, write to the
offending company or person and ask for an explanation.  Use hard words,
executives do not understand them and do not have the time to look them
up.  Real words are far more effective than initials when it comes to
confusing people.

Yours sincerely.

Brig. Sir George Cuthbertson, VD and Scar.

PS:  S.T.O.P.I.T. stands for:
               Society To Outlaw Printing Initials Totally.
     -------------------------------------------------------------


      Now, Russell (Mac) swore that he'd never contribute anything again
      after his Collingwood comments, but he just did anyway.  (Passed on
      from someone over at Ciba Speciality Chemicals :-)
                         -------------------

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.  They were touring around
the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this
small sandal shop.

>From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,
"You, foreigners!  Come in.  Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.  The Pakistani man said to them, "I have
some special sandals I think you'd be interested in.  They make you wild
at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the
man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being
the sex god he was.  The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make
you into sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try
them on.  As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look
in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years -- raw sexual
power.  In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw
him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants.

All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, "ARGGHH ... YOU HAVE THEM
ON THE WRONG FEET!"
    -------------------------------------------------------------


      And a short one from a cupla girls over here (both of whom wish to
      remain anon).  Picture this:
                        --------------------

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags, sweetheart -
I've just won the lottery ... all six numbers!!"

She cries, "Oh wonderful!  Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"I don't care ... just fuck off!"
     -------------------------------------------------------------


      Linda Ottery (an infrequent but nevertheless regular contributor)
      passed this little gem on a cupla weeks back:
                       ------------------


                    Only in the USA Legal System:


A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very
expensive cigars, insured them against ... get this ....fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars,
and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man
filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of
small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious
reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.  The man
sued ... and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a
policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against
fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable" fire, it
was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.  Rather than endure
a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the
judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in
"the fires."

                *** This is the funny part ***

After the man cashed his cheque, however, the insurance company had him
arrested on 24 counts of arson.  With his own insurance claim and
testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced
him to 24 consecutive one-year terms.
     -------------------------------------------------------------


      Now another one from the infamous "list out west" ...
                       -------------------

Joe leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his
mailbox.  While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.  As
they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on.

Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now naked, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears!"

Astounded and a little hurt she asked:"My EARS??  Look at these BREASTS!
They/re full and totally natural!  I work out every day!  My butt's firm
and solid!  And look at my skin ... no blemishes anywhere!  How can you
feel the best part of my body is my ears?!"

Clearing his throat, Joe stammered - "Outside ... when you said you heard
someone coming?  That was me."
     -------------------------------------------------------------


     Next, another contribution of one-liners from John ("I have all your
     details re borrowed equipment on file") Stevens:
                          --------------------


                              Confucius say......

"Man who run in front of car, get tired"

"Man who run behind car, get exhausted"

"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."

"Foolish man give wife grand piano.  Wise man give wife upright organ."

"Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"

"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."

"War doesn't determine who's right.  War determines who's left."

"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."

"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."

"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"

"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"

"It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it."

"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"

"Man who sit on tack get point!"

"Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement"

"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."

"Baseball is wrong - man with four balls cannot walk"
     -------------------------------------------------------------


       Here's one from another occasional contributor, Varghese Swamy:
                           -----------------

You know you work in corporate Australia in the 90's if:

Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

You get really excited about a 3% pay rise.

Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose your best jokes.

You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.

Salaries of the members on the Executive Board are higher than the Third
World countries' annual budgets combined.

It's dark when you drive to and from work.

"Communication" is something that your group is having problems with.

You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.

Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.

Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in hospital.

Art involves a white board.

You're already late on the assignment you just got.

You work 200 hours for the $100 bonus check and jubilantly say "Oh
Yeah - thanks!"

Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cubicle.

Your boss' favourite lines are "when you get a few minutes", "in your
spare time", "when your freed up", and "I have an opportunity for you".

Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"

Change is the norm.

You read this entire list and understood it.
     -------------------------------------------------------------


    And finally for this week, a couple from this weeks "30 years at
    CSIRO" awardee - Mr Ian (X-Ray Ted) Madsen:
                         ------------------

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine under the
headline "Advice For Tourists".  By all accounts it was taken seriously
by a lot of people ...


                         ADVICE FOR TOURISTS


The Brits have peculiar words for many things.  Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to
the pub but I haven't got any goolies."

"Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the
equivalent of seventeen cents American.

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -
he will be touched.

The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you
want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers
when you walk down the street.

 Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental
customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which they call a "wank."

As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for
people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the
magnetic pull from Greenwich).  If you are late for supper, simply
apologise and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will
understand and forgive you.

 Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by
quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence
patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and
a small knife for sharpening their quills.

Observing these customs will signal to the librarians that you are "in
the know"- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are
unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library.  Likewise, it is
customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he/she brings a
manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or
Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat- bottomed
boats, which you propel using a long pole.  This is known as "cottaging."
Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the
colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the
hour.

Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some
cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are.  The
poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water,
so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you
ask directions to the yerinals.  That way people will know you are an
experienced cottager.

 Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man.  Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week
(rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon
wank for)

Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK.
The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's
seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE).

When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and
won't settle for anything less.  If he balks at your request, custom
dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling
your eyes to show him who is boss.  Once the waiter realises you are a
person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines.  If he does not, you should
order one anyway.

The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and
East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.  When
the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.  Pay
whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which
case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that
he should run a tab for you.

 Transportation

Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government.  A taxi ride
in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel.  If a taxi
driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver
disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests.  Just board any bus, pay
your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"), and
state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to
the British Library."  A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he
know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the
most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free
on the Tube.  Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the
escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians.  Once on the platform, though, beware!

Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost
in the tunnels.  The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th
century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate.
The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your
hair and look towards the ceiling.  Very few people have ever been killed
by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation.

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an
international Jewish peace organisation-the "shin"  stands for "shalom").
As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority
treatment as you make your way through customs.
               ------------------------------------------


    ... and ...

                     Something to ponder

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at
different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but arseholes.
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[ End Fri humour ]




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