Friday humour - February 26, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

                       _____
                       I   I
                     __I___I__
                       (o o)
      *-------------oOO-(_)--OOo------------------*

      As Tony is beside himself (not a pretty pair!)
     I have been seconded to compile todays HaHa page.

                                            Davo
      *----------------/   \Oooo.-----------------*
                    .oooO  (   )
                    (   )   ) /
                     \ (   (_/


The first from Nicki Agron-Olshina ...


The following is a status report from our business unit to our Y2K
coordinator.
*******************************************************************

"Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget.
We have gone through every line of code in every program in every
system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including
backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the
change.

We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date
change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs
and all data to reflect the following new standards

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk,
August, September, October, November, December

and...

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I  trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of
this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is
a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible.
And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?  Speaking of which,
what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year
rolls over from 99 to 00?   We'll await your direction.


==================================================================

And from the irrepressible Martha (the one who didn't win the Mars bar!)
...


Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and
goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been
such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward,
you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about
it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow
at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God.

Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says,
"Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in
your invention

1.    there's too much front end protrusion
2.    it chatters at high speeds
3.    the rear end wobbles too much, and
4.    the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

"Hmmm..." replied God, "hold on."

God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and
waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God
reads it.

"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson,
"but according to My Computer, more people are riding my invention than
yours."


==================================================================


The next from David Moors at Ericsson ...



   Food for thought
   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life is sexually transmitted.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the
back seat cause kids.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an
airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden
stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been
anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip
around the sun.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put
them on my knees.

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he
hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does
everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your
seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's
open.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the
dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

JuryTwelve people who determine which client has the
better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


==================================================================


And from Biggus - the Flamemag King!!



He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage
Facility.

He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist..

He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential
Relationships..

He does not get falling-down drunk,  He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass,  He suffers from Rectal Cranial
Inversion..

He is not short,  He is Anatomically Compact..

He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset
Infusion..

He does not constantly talk about cars,  He has a Vehicular Addiction..

He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible..

He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged..

He does not eat like an ape,  He suffers from Reverse Bulimia..

He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian..

He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated..

He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative..

He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy..

He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic
Moment..

He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged..

==================================================================

The next from Stevo - the Devo ...


A man walks up to the bar, with a big ostrich behind him, and as he stops
at the bar, a small cat jumps up onto the bar stool next to him. The
barman
comes over,
regards the three rather curiously, and asks "What'll it be?".

To which the man replies "Well, I'll have a pint," and turning to the
ostrich, "what do you want?"

"I'll have a pint as well," replies the ostrich.

The man looks down at the cat and says "I suppose you want a drink too?"

To which the cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin' paying!"

The barman pulls two and a half pints and says "That'll be three pounds
forty please". To the barman's surprise the man puts his hand in his
pocket, feels around, and pulls out exactly 3.40 in loose change, which he
puts on the bar.

A while later the same thing happens. The man, the ostrich and the small
cat come back to the bar. "I'll have pint" says the man.

"I'll have a pint," says the ostrich.

"And I'll have a half, but I ain't fuckin paying," says the cat.

"That'll be three pounds forty" says the barman, and again the man puts
his
hand in his pocket, feels around and pulls out exactly 3.40.

This goes on several times, much to the bemusement of the barman. Finally,
as last orders are rung, the man the ostrich and the cat come back to the
bar.

"Well" says the man "it's last orders, I think I'll have a large scotch",
and turning to the ostrich "what do you want?"

"I'll have a large scotch as well" replies the ostrich.

Turning to the small cat on the stool next to him, the man says "and I
suppose you want something as well?"

"I'll have a small scotch" says the cat, "but I ain't fuckin' payin'."

The barman rings up the drinks in the till, and says to the man, with a
sly grin on his face, that'll be seven pounds twenty please" To his
amazement and disbelief the man puts his hand in his pocket, feels about
and pulls out exactly 7.20 in loose change. As the three finish their
drinks and are about to leave, the barman cannot contain his curiosity no
longer. "Excuse me sir, but before you leave there is something I must
know.....how do you always manage to come up with the exact change from
your pocket, every time?"

"Well" says the man, "it's a long story, but basically several years ago I
looked after an old lady who was well into her nineties, and when she died
she left me her old house, nothing special, but when I was clearing out
the attic I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed the lamp a genie appeared
and offered me two wishes."

"Well that's fantastic" says the barman, "what did you wish for?"

"Well," says the man, "if I ever need to pay for anything I just put my
hand in my pocket, and the right money will always be there."

"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would just ask for a
million pounds or something, but you will always be as rich as you want
for as long as you want."

"Oh yes" says the man, "its the greatest thing I ever did. If I want to
buy
a pint of milk the money will always be there. If I want to buy a Rolls
Royce the exact money will be there too!"

As the man turns to go, the barman calls him back and says "one last thing
sir, your friends... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinking in
here."

To which the man looks glum and replies "well, that was probably the worst
thing I ever did... you see I had two wishes, and on my second wish I
asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."


==================================================================


And of course something coarse from The List ... way out west ...



Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a
cork in his ass.

He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?"

The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over
a lamp.  There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban
came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um
you one wish."

And I said, "No shit."


==================================================================


And the final words from TonyS himself ...



You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
executive.


"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."


ADA, n.
 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
awareness."





[ End Fri humour ]


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