Friday humour - February 19, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Yo,
All of todays lot is earlier material which was forwarded on (or
collected) around May/June of last year.  Most contributors will probably
have forgotten that they even sent these!  First up is one which was
forwarded on by John Stevens:
                  -------------------------------------

          SOME MORE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES TO CHOOSE FROM

A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is
why we're not here.
So leave a message.
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi.  Now you say something."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk
to it instead.  Wait for the beep."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello.  I am David's answering machine.  What are you?"
                           %  %  %  %  %

>From my Japanese friend in Toronto:
He-lo!  This is Sa-to.  If you leave message, I call you soon.  If you
leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one
of these magnets."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls.  Say, if you want
anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the
phone."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving
messages.  My owners do not need siding, windows, or a sauna tub, and
their carpets are clean.  They give to charity through their office and
do not need their picture taken.  If you're still with me, leave your
name and number and they may get back to you."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic
thought-recording device.  After the tone, think about your name, your
reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think
about returning your call."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"Hi.  I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
                           %  %  %  %  %

If you're are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons
right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home
and it's safe to leave us a message."
                           %  %  %  %  %

"You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You feel very
sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions.  When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
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       Next, one from Elevator (Sooty) Dave (well, he was when he sent
       this, anyway):
                             ---------------

This guy walks up to a vendor selling hunting supplies at a flea market
in Alabama and notices a beautiful rifle 'scope for sale.

The guy says to the vendor, "Boy, ya' sure are askin' a lot for that
there 'scope.  How do I know its any good?"

To this the vendor responds, "Well, I'll prove to ya' that there 'scope
is worth every penny.  You see that house up there on the hill?", at
which time the vendor pointed to a house on a fairly distant hill.

"That there is my house.  I bet you that you can see right through that
front window and into my living room with that 'scope."

The vendor hands the guy the 'scope and he aims it at the house and peers
through. "Hey," he exclaims, "there's a cupla' naked people up thar'
dancin' 'roun'!"

"WHAHRT!" screams the vendor.  He grabs the 'scope and takes a look for
himself.  "Well, ar'll be a roasted pig on a spit, thass my wife and my
damn neighbour!

"Ar'll tell you what," the vendor says as he attaches the 'scope to a
high powered rifle. "I'll give you two bullets.  If you can hit my wife
in the head and my neighbour in the genitals, I'll GIVE you the 'scope!"

So the guy grabs the rifle and carefully aims up at the distant window.
Then he says, "Um...... ya' know what...?  I'm only gonna need ONE
bullet."
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     And another one from Caroline at Monash (via Jean):
                         ------------------

    Actual English subtitles that have shown up in various Kung Fu films
                          #  #  #  #  #  #  #

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware.  Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot.  Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum.  Sure you
will not mind that I remove your manhoods and leave them out on the
dessert floor for your aunts to eat.

Yah-hah, evil spider woman!  I have captured you by the short rabbits
and can now deliver you violently to your Gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.

Greetings, large black person.  Let us not forget to form a team up
together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate
feets on some ass of the giant lizard person.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------


      The next collection of one-liners was forwarded on by Garry Jensen:
                          ---------------------

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've
done and what you're going to do.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when
the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in transit.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are
really good, you will get out of it.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for
everything that goes wrong.
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------


        And now - one from the Dilbert Newsletter:
                       --------------

I was performing tech support over the phone.  After ten minutes of
helping an Induhvidual through some edits to files to fix a problem, we
got to this point:

Me: "Locate the 'Oracle Programs for NT' group off the start menu."

Induhvidual: "OK"

Me: "Do you see the SQL Worksheet program?"

Induhvidual: "Yes"

Me: "Open it, then enter the user, password and connection string."

Induhvidual: "OK"

Me: "See the large frame at the bottom? Enter this SQL statement."

Induhvidual: "OK"

Me: "Now run it and tell me what comes back."

Induhvidual: "OK"

Me: "So what came back?"

Induhvidual: "I don't know."

Me: "What do you mean, 'I don't know'?  Can't you read what is on the
screen?"

Induhvidual: "I'm not at the computer."
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       Time for a couple from the westerly list ...
                         ------------------------

Dolf was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into the
clouds.  After climbing to the first cloud he met a stinky, unattractive
woman who said, "Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success." Dolf
chose to climb the ladder.

At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, "Have
sex with me or climb the ladder to success."  Figuring it only gets
better Dolf chose to climb the ladder some more.

At the next cloud he met a very attractive woman who said, "Have sex
with me or climb the ladder to success."  Things were getting better the
higher he got so Dolf chose to climb the ladder even more.

At the fourth cloud he met the most gorgeous woman to ever grace the
Universe.  She looked at him seductively and begged, "Have sex with me or
climb the ladder to success."  Dolf was extremely tempted to satisfy his
urges but still he climbed that ladder to success.

At the fifth cloud Dolf was startled when a greasy, 500 lb.naked man
with a pimply penis grabbed him.  Dolf asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm cess" !!

    ... and

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was
getting very ill.  The doctor told the father and son that the father was
dying from cancer.

The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on
this gloomy day, its our tradition to drink to health as it is in death,
so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise."

Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub.  There, while
enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is
dying from AIDS.

Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not
AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?"

The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want
those guys sleeping with your mum when I'm gone."
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------


        This next one goes into the barrel for the "shortest" joke
        competition.  Forwarded on by Graeme Hedley - I'll include
        it "as is":

Your list of headlines reminds me of one which I understand won an
newspaper industry award in Britain.  An inmate escaped from a mental
institution after raping a worker in the hospital laundry.

The headline: "Nut Screws Washers, Bolts"
   ---------------------------------------------------------------------


       Now for another contribution from David McCallum (also forwarded
       on by Nicki Agron-Olshina):
                             ------------------

There were two friends, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a
Chihuahua.

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat."

The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.  We've got dogs
with us."

His friend with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, and the man with the Doberman Pinscher
puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.  The bouncer at the
door says, "Sorry, mate - no animals allowed."

The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.  This is
my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using
them now, they're very good."

The man at the door pauses for a few seconds, then says, "Okay - come in."

His friend with the Chihuahua now thinks, "What the heck," so he puts on
a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

Again the bouncer says, "Sorry, mate, no animals allowed."

The man with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand.  This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer gapes, exclaiming, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua replies, "A Chihuahua?  What?!  They gave
me a Chihuahua?!"
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       And to finish up for the week - one more from Nicki A-O (also
       forwarded on David Magnay over at Telecom):
                           ----------------

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local
Greyhound station.  At the front of the line was a very attractive woman
dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and
high heels.

As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found
that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required
height.  Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and
unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries
again.

Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she
reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more.  With a smile, she
looks at the bus driver and tries to board again.  With disappointment,
she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation
and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.  To her
amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step.  Finally, a very
large man behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and
places her on the bus.

The woman turns to the man furiously and says, "Who do you think you are
to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"

Nonplussed, the man looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you
unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
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[  End Fri humour ]



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