Friday humour - February 12, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Hi,
Well, Russell's still getting "flamed" over his Collingwood comments - he's
vowed never to send in any more "humour" (now see what you've all done :-)

This week's a bit a mixture (vintage-wise) ... a few contributions date
back to June (but I'll also include one or two recent ones).  This first
one has been forwarded on by a few people over the last few months,
including Ian Madsen, Kodak Kate, and David McCallum.  Long but good:
                    --------------------------------------

                       THE 1998 DARWIN AWARDS NOMINEES

1.  In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in
    two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
    sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

2.  In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
    zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a
    200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

3.  Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug
    into the sand caved in as he sat inside it.

    Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection
    from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom
    Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of
    sand.

    People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and
    shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge,
    VA, but could not reach him.  It took rescue workers using heavy
    equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked
    on.  Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

4.  In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he
    fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was
    burglarising.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had
    placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of
    his skull as he hit the floor.

5.  According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,
    was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23,
    who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak
    vest Berrena was wearing.

6.  Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,
    Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a
    revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the
    trigger.

7.  In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27,
    and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie
    in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

8.  In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near
    Ozark, Ark., after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the
    spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.

9.  AUGUSTA, ME - Four people were injured in a string of bizarre
    accidents:

    Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying
    masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and
    contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn
    gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand
    had been bitten off.

    Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work
    and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him.

    "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later.  "I was really
    close to the car, so I didn't think anyone would see.  Besides, it
    couldn't have been for more than two seconds."

    However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab,
    running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical
    Building.

    Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth.
    The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing
    Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick.  In shock, he bit down,
    severing two fingers from Klesick's hand.  Moeller's wound was caused
    by a falling piece of the medical building.

10. TACOMA, WA - Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends
    when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from
    the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic.  The conversation
    grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the
    bridge at 4:30a.m.

    Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that
    no-one had brought bungee rope.  Bingham, who had continued drinking,
    volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near
    the railing.  Bingham's leg and the other end was tied to the
    bridge.

    His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot
    off at the ankle.  He miraculously survived his fall into the icy
    river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.

    "All I can say," said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me
    on that night.  There's just no other explanation for it."

    Bingham's foot was never located.

11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
    robbery.  This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the
    fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
    terminally stupid choices as listed below:

      a) The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;

      b) The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
      portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed
      handguns in public places;

      c) To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
      car parked at the front door;

      d) An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
      coffee before reporting to duty.

    Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and
    fired a few wild shots.  The officer and a clerk promptly returned
    fire, removing him from the gene pool.  Several other customers also
    drew their guns, but didn't fire.  No one else was hurt.

12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided
    to commit suicide.  He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a
    noose around his neck.  He tied the other end of the rope to a large
    rock.  He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes.  He even
    tried to shoot himself at the last moment.

    He jumped and fired the pistol.  The bullet missed him completely and
    cut through the rope above him.  Free of the threat of hanging, he
    plunged into the sea.  The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and
    made him vomit the poison.

    He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to
    hospital, where he finally died - of hypothermia.

    DARWIN AWARD HONOURABLE MENTIONS

(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede
    with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off
    a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head,
    fracturing his skull.

(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out
    cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favour of a
    propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second
    floors of his house.

(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalised in Andover Township, NJ, in
    September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick
    of dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM,
    the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window
    to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that
    the window was closed.


                            AND THE WINNER IS....


        Japan Times-April 16, 1997

    "The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of
    'Pumping'", a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told
    reporters.  "If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream
    of Thailand's manhood."

    He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai
    Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital's emergency room.
    "Most 'Pumpers' use a standard bicycle pump," he explained,
    "inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush
    of air, creating a momentary high.  This act is a sin against God."

    Charnchai took it further still.  He started using a two-cylinder
    foot pump, but even that wasn't exciting enough for him, and he
    boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose
    at a nearby gasoline station.

    They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.
    Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep
    into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.  As a result, he
    died virtually instantly, but passers-by are still in shock.  One
    woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and
    started clapping.

    "We still haven't located all of him", say the police authorities.
    "When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he
    nearly exploded.  It was like an atom bomb went off or something."

    "Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,"
    Ratchasima concluded.  "Inflate your tires by all means, but then
    hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you."
                        #   #   #   #   #   #   #

    Let's hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin
    Awards recipient!
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------


       Here's a cupla quickies from out West:
             ------------------

An Austrian circus dwarf died recently when he bounced sideways from a
trampoline and was swallowed by a hippopotamus.  Seven thousand people
watched as little Franz Dasch popped into the mouth of Hilda the Hippo
and the animal's gag reflex forced it to swallow.  The crowd applauded
wildly before other circus people realised what had happened.

An operation at Nottingham hospital in January 1989 ended prematurely
when the patient exploded.  The casualty, an 82-year-old woman, was
undergoing electrosurgery for cancer.  The blast was attributed to an
unusual build-up of stomach gases ignited by the sparks.
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Next, one from Tim.  Some of you may remember seeing the
      "woman" part a few months ago, but Tim's version includes the
      missing "man" part:
                       -------------------------

Element Name: Woman

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties:

Generally round in form.  Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time.
Melts whenever treated properly.  Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:

Very active.  Highly unstable.  Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver,
platinum, and precious stones.  Irritated when left alone.  Able to absorb
exotic food.  Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage:

Highly ornamental.  An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth.
Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution:

Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

           %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Element Name: Man

Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180+/-50)

Physical properties:

Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily.  Fairly
dense and sometimes flaky.  Very difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to
rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.

Chemical properties:

Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get.  Also tends to form
strong bonds with itself.  Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element:
Child) for prolonged period of time.  Neutralize by saturating with
alcohol.

Usage:

None useful known.  Possibly good methane source.  Good specimens are able
to produce large quantities on command.

Caution:

In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------


                Here's another one from Dave (ex Elevators) Moors:
                         ---------------

                       MORE WAYS TO PISS PEOPLE OFF

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

In the memo field of all your cheques, write "for sensual massage."

If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.

Jump on little plastic sauce packets.

Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think!"

Practice making fax and modem noises in public.

Make beeping noises when a person backs up.

Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the
room.

Staple papers in the middle of the page.

Honk and wave to strangers you see while driving.

Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary
mints by the cash register.

TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

type only in lowercase.

dont use any punctuation either

Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reorganise entire streets.

Ask people what gender they are.

While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

Sing along at the opera.
   ------------------------------------------------------------------------

        And finally for this week - one from Caroline, via Jean:
                           ------------------------

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.
The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog
down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and
after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a
second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat
down next to the dog's body.  The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and
meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  The vet
brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to
tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man
and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how
much he owes.

The vet answers: "$650"

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my
initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab
tests."
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[ End Friday humour ]




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