Friday humour - February 04, 1999

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi y'all,
And thanks to Davo for "holding the fort" over the last month or so.  I
had meant to send you out a 'Humour on Jan 8th, but I ran out of time, so
Davo ended up having to "fill in" there as well!

First up this week, one from our Battery Group (Andrew Urban):

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and
dined by the State Department.  The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in
American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was
constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,"  stammered the wretched Abdul,
"but white man sit on well."

      And Martha (ex Library) is still with us - she recently passed
      on the following story:

                      An Actual Case...

    A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client.  He was told the
loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral.

    The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer
three months to track down.  After sending the information to the FHA, he
received the following reply (actual letter):

     "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan
application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of
Title.  While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared
and presented the application, we must point out that you have only
cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803.  Before
final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title
back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.  I
note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years
covered by the present application.  I was unaware that any educated
person in this country, particularly those working in the property area,
would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application."

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land
prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it
by Right of Conquest from Spain.  The land came into possession of Spain
by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named
Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new
route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.  The good Queen,
being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA,
took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold
her jewels to fund Columbus' expedition."

"Now the Pope, as I'm sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the
Son of God.  And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world."

"Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part
of the world called Louisiana.  He, therefore, would be the owner of
origin.  I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory."

"Now may we have our loan?"

They got it.

       Now for a couple of quickies from Eric Frazer:

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.  On her turn, she rolled
the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature."  Her question was: "If you
are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a moment and then asked: " ... Is it on or off?"
                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

     ... and ...

A man goes into a chemist and asks the pharmacist if he can give him
something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack)

What did you do that for?" the man asks.

"Well, you don't have the hiccups any more, do you?"

"No, but my wife in the car still does!"

     Now for a few from Kate Hawkins (over at Kodak):

                        TWISTED DISNEY

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let her.

As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and
promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
ball, but only on two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."

Cinderella agrees.  "What's the second condition?"

"You must be home by 2 A.M.  Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into
a pumpkin."

So Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 A.M.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
Finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and
**very** satisfied.

"WHERE have you been?" demands the fairy godmother.  "Your diaphragm was
supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.  He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power.  Tell me his name"

"I can't remember, exactly was ... Peter Peter, something or
                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

      ... and ...

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales
representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal.
You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are
wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.  Normally, we'd hire you
without a second thought.  However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare
off potential customers.  I'm sorry ... we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really?  Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out
all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms,
flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a
respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanising all
over the country!"

"Womanising?  What do you mean?  I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy winking and
asked for aspirin?"
                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

      ... and ...

Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
splinters whenever they had sex.

Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated, and
Pinocchio skipped away much enlightened.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
town, and so he asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"

Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?

      Now for a couple from Russell MacKinnon, in readiness for the
      football season:

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Collingwood Players on them ... and people
   couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female Collingwood Fan and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call 20 Collingwood Fans skydiving from an aeroplane?
A: Diahorrea.

Q: If you see a Collingwood Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve
   to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Collingwood Fan from Collingwood, and
   an old drunk are walking down the street together when they
   simultaneously spot a $100.00 note.  Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q: What do Collingwood Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a Collingwood Fan?
A: A Doberman.

Q: What do you have when 100 Collingwood Fans are buried up to their neck
   in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
   Collingwood Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

Q: What do Collingwood Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Collingwood
   Fan.  You have a gun with two bullets.  What should you do?
A: Shoot the Collingwood Fan.  Twice.

Q: What is the difference between a Collingwood Fan and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What do you call 5000 dead Collingwood Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

      ... and ...

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off
and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood.

He asks his friend, "What"s happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Nathan Buckley".

"Okay," says the man, "that explains the blood ... But what about the
leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

     And now for one from the list out West.  This is fairly gross,
     and you shouldn't read it while eating lunch:

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they
were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on
each other's nerves.  Why don't we split up today.  I'll hike north and
spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day.  Then
tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south.  The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story.

"Today I hiked into a beautiful valley.  I followed a stream up into a
canyon and ate lunch.  Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake.  As
I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.  The
wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day
overhead.  How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad
tracks.  I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied
to the tracks.  I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks,
and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.  Finally, when I
was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine.
Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

     And finally for this week, one passed on by Nicki Agron-Olshina -
     just to emphasise how careful you need to be with E-Mail:

As you are receiving this by e-mail, it's wise to remember how easily
this wonderful technology can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with
serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of
Chicago for a vacation in Florida.  His wife was on a business trip and
was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail
address, he did his best to type it in from memory.  Unfortunately, he
missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly
preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the
monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the

  Dearest Wife,

    Just got checked in.

    Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

      PS: Sure is HOT down here.
[ End Fri Humour ]

 Previous (January 29, 1999)  Index Next (February 12, 1999)