Friday humour - January 29, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

  This is the last of the summer series ... Kerry O'Brien ...  er ... TonyS
  ... will be back next week and so say all of us!

  This weeks selections from Brian McNical, the lovely Deanna, Alcoa Australia,
  and the obdurate D-Files (look that one up in your Funk and Wagnall).

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  A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of
  the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about
  the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he
  was in a state of gastric distress. The problem developed into one of acute
  flatulence, and halfway through theentre the young man realised he couldn't
  hold it in one second longer without exploding.  A tiny fart escaped.

 "SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at
  the young man's feet.

  Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly
  larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've got it made," thought
  the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really
  big one. "Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"

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     There's this guy driving down the road and he passes a sign that
     says "peaches......$5.00 ea.".  Curious as to why a peach could be
     so expensive, he pulls over to check it out.  So he asks the guy,
     "why are these peaches so expensive".

     "These are not just ordinary peaches my man, these are peanut butter
     and jelly peaches."  He decides to try one and upon biting into the
     peach exclaims....."it's amazing, this tastes just like peanut butter,
     but... I don't taste the jelly".  "Ahhhh.....replies the salesman, turn
     it over my man".  He does this and sure enough, it tastes just like jelly.

     So our man heads on down the road and in a little while happens upon a
     sign reading "Peaches.......$10.00 each".  Very curious now, he pulls
     over and inquires about the peaches.  "These are no ordinary peaches my
     boy, but ham and cheese peaches".  So the guy goes ahead and buys one
     to see if it really tastes like ham and cheese.  He takes a bite, turns
     to the seller, and says "I taste the ham, but what about the cheese?"

     "Ahhhhhhhh......replies the salesman, turn it over my boy". He does,
     and sure enough, it tastes just like cheese.

     So down the road he goes, and finally he comes upon a sign advertising
     peaches for $25.00 each.  Our fellow screeches to a halt, runs in,
     and demands to know what could be so special about these peaches, that
     they could fetch a price of $25.00 each.  The salesman slyly smiles and
     says "my friend, these are very special peaches for they taste just
     like pussy!"  Knowing he has just got to try one, our guy hurriedly
     buys one, takes a big bite, and violently spits out the peach screaming

     "Turn it over, man, turn it over!"

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age
home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work.  You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.  You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for
high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb,
you spend your last nine months floating...and you finish off as an orgasm.

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Women's Compact Instruction Book

 Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house
 was spotless.

 Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

 Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

 What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

 If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

 Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

 Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

 The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or
 buy drinks. (Personally I think the dancing is debatable on most men).

 Never sleep with a man who's named his willy.

 Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

 A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel

 Gummidge is unquestionably gay.

 Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell
 them apart.

 Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
 woman miserable.

 Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

 The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old
 for it.

 Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

 If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

 The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in
 biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

 If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

 A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, 'oh alright, I'll stay
 the night".

 Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have
 bothered to have lunch with.

 Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means
 you laugh at his.

 If he asks you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

 Sadly, all men are created equal.

 When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar".

 The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to
 the exalted status of a 'former boyfriend".

 There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both
 his mother.

 There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring,
 loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

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Subject: From the latest Dilbert newsletter...

Dilbert Banned

I just received this alarming report:

"I wanted to let you know that the Oklahoma Department of Corrections has
banned all Dilbert cartoons from employees' offices because they consider them
'hostile' since they 'make fun of management.'"

This report raises many troubling questions:

1.  When the Department of Corrections makes a mistake, who corrects them?
Is there another Department for that, and if so, what are they called?

2.  If your job involves forcing crazed murderers into small containers until
they are really, really mad at you, can you make yourself safer by reducing
your exposure to comics?

3.  If inmates read Dilbert comics, will they begin to appreciate the
congenial atmosphere of prison life, thus leading to an increase in recidivism?

4.  Why does recidivism appear to be spelled incorrectly?  And why doesn't
the Department Of Corrections do something about it?

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True Tales Of Induhviduals

Those Induhviduals continue to inspire us with their tales of Induhviduality.
Here are the latest reports from the field.

Tale 1:

"I was watching the local news this morning when the anchor reported that
the police had arrested two suspects for an extremely brutal murder in
our area. The reporter stood there with a straight face and said that the
District Attorney's office was going for the death penalty because they had
proof that the victim was alive just moments before his death."

Tale 2:

This sign was spotted in a fabric warehouse in Wells (South England):

"Ceiling Fans in Operation.  Please be careful when lifting small children."

Editor: Maybe it's just me, but that sign seems vague.  For example, the
guidelines are completely silent on the handling of larger children and pets.
And I am left wondering if it's okay to fling small children into the ceiling
fan with a catapult as long as you don't do any "lifting."

Tale 3:

Allegedly overheard at the pharmacy:

"Do you think that I gave my wife the yeast infection?  Because a couple
of days ago, I drank a few beers and then had sex with her."

Editor:  Yes, I know it sounds like an urban legend, but it's still

Tale 4:

This one is part True Tale and part Wise-Ass Comment:

I was standing in a lobby gazing out the glass door. A woman came up behind
me and began to talk to me as if she knew me. I turned around, she stopped,
startled, and said, "Oh, sorry, I thought you were someone else."

I said, "I am."

Tale 5:

I bought a microphone for singing, which I returned to the store after
trying it out (according to their policy).  The salesperson asked me why I
was returning it, and I told her that I was returning it because it didn't
work properly.  She responded, "Did you open it?"

Tale 6:

One day my (now ex-) wife called the Help Desk at the hospital that I worked
at to tell them that I had left my pager at home that day. She was not sure
where I was at the time, and figured the Help Desk would track me down to
tell me to go home to get my pager. The Help Desk paged me with the Help
Desk extension displayed.

She then called the Help Desk again, and told them that the pager was in her
hand, and that paging me was pointless, since it was not on my person. They
paged me again, with my home number, to tell me that mywife had my pager.

Tale 7:

I am a reference librarian.  I had an Induhvidual come up to me yesterday
wanting help finding Internet sites for her class project.  She found the
perfect site the day before, but being an Induhvidual, did not bookmark it
or write down the URL.  So, the question I got was, "I need to find that
web page with a yellow background that I found on this computer yesterday."

Tale 8:

I recently had trouble with my bat-phone service. I called the Support
Hotline and waited thirty minutes for a human response. The tech asked
the make and model of my phone. I informed the tech that I could see no
model number on the phone.  He said, "Take the battery off andlook inside.
The model number is printed there."  I said if I take the battery out,
I'll lose the connection.  He said, "That's okay.  I'll hold."

Tale 9:

A customer called me the other day to complain that the contract delivery
people had scratched her countertop, and that the delivery company would
not accept the damage claim because the customer's maid had signed a form
stating the damage was pre-existing. The customer told me her maid Maria
neither read nor wrote English and would not have realised what it was she
was signing. When I called the delivery company to press home this point,
they replied, "The maid must have known what she was signing because she
signed her name in English".

At that point I was at a loss for words.

Tale 10:

There's this Induhvidual in my office who got a new PC that has a blank-screen
screensaver that comes up after about twenty minutes without activity.
Returning from lunch the first day, he was aghast to find his monitor "not
working." So he gave it the good old-fashioned whack on the side. Lo and
behold, the vibrations carried to the mouse and his monitor "worked"!!

Now, every day, on returning from lunch, he fixes the "loose connection"
in his monitor with a whack.

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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the
only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and took a firm hold of her
left breast.  She jumped up and slapped him silly.  He immediately apologized
and explained, "I'm sorry.  I thought you were my wife.  You look exactly
like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!"  she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 * - * - * - May your news be good news ... and Goodnight - * - * - *

[ End Fri humour ]

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