Friday humour - January 22, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

Why do we bother?  Last weeks collection must have been
too long tedious and boring.  In the final paragraph of the
eigth contribution I inserted the following text ...

"The first person to complain of boredom wins a Mars bar."

Needless to say all were to bored to read it so I enjoyed the
Mars bar!!

These bits and pieces from Brian McNicol and the wayward
lot out west ...


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       What's the definition of mixed emotions?
       When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
       in your new car.

       What's the height of conceit?
       Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

       What's the definition of macho?
       Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

       What's the difference between Michael Jackson and
       a grocery bag?
       One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children
       to play with....
       the other is used to carry groceries.

       Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
       Because it scares the hell out of the dog.


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  THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY

  * Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

  * One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

  * Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

  * If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
    and apes?

  * The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
    bad girls live.

  * If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
    all still working?

  * Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
    going as ghosts but as mattresses?

  * And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

  * If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,
    is it considered a hostage situation?

  * Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

  * What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
    endangered plant?

  * If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

  * Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

  * If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
    remain silent?

  * How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

  * What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  * I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.


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  A bus station is where a bus stops.  A train station is where a train
  stops.  On my desk I have a work station...

  I must always remember that I'm unique, just like everyone else.

  Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

  Does fuzzy logic tickle?

  If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

  I think everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us
  don't have film.

  I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

  How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

  I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

  How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

  If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what exactly is
  a fog horn made out of?

  If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
  with,"Quit while you're ahead"?!

  If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?

  Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

  Is the hardness of the butter proportional to the softness of the
  bread?

  I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm
  in the bathroom.

  What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?

  What hair colour do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

  When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?


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Subject: Family tree

    The lineage is now revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response
    when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," but now you can
    handle this situation with confidence!

    Jack is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O. Schitt, the
    fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N.
    Schitt, Inc.

    In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious
    couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,
    Bull Schitt and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

    Against her parents objections, Deep Schitt married Dump Schitt, a
    high school drop-out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
    Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Scherlock, and because
    her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
    She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
    Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable
    throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers
    in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspapers
    announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. They created a bumper
    sticker and made millions. You've probably seen it...

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse. Bull
    Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
    returned from Italy with his new bride Pisa Schitt.

    So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can
    correct them and inform them of your more than deep knowledge of
    the family tree.


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>From Brian D. McNicol - some stories from Davis Hunter ...


It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep
when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says
"Hello?"

After some talking on the other end of the line the husband says "How the
heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone
down.  His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies,
"I don't know, it was some c**t who wanted to know if the coast was
clear."

This woman is walking by a pet shop and she sees a sign in the Window that
says 'Fanny-licking Frogs'. So she reckons I'll have a bit of this, goes
in and the guy in the shop says "you're in luck, this is our last one". So
she pays her money and heads home and that night strips off, lies on the
bed and puts the frog between her legs...but nothing happens. After a
while she gives up, and decides to try the following night. But the next
night there are no results, and none the night after that. So she decides
to bring the frog back to the pet shop.  She storms in and says "What's
the fucking story with this frog?" The guy in the shop says, "Right, I'll
sort this fella out". So he brings her out back and gets her to undress.
He puts the frog on the table and says, "Now this is the last time I'll
show you this..."

A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.
When they come up for air, the boy says, "I really love kissing you, but
do you mind not passing me your chewing gum." The girl replies,"It's not
chewing gum, I've got bronchitis."

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.  He
replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it".  The
doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out
I'll have a look for you" The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a
12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the
bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."
To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath
and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very
good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the
morning?"  "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

A young boy approaches his mother and asks, "Why do women get married in
white..?" Mother replies, "Because they are angelic, virginal creatures
and white is the colour of angels." The boy asks his dad the same question
to which the father replies, "All kitchen appliances are white, son."


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           What Do You Look For In A Woman

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what
I looked for in a woman.

Naturally I replied, "Big tits."

He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."

So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."

"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you
want to spend the rest of your life with?"

He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch
laughing until my gut hurt. "Spend the rest of my life with one
woman?  No woman's tits are that big."



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