Friday humour - January 14, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:


This hotch potch of bits and pieces from 'that list' way out west
Matt Greene and also the Forum was thrown together rather quickly
as I have been busy planning what I might take on my weeks holiday
to Disney World!      ... or was Rudi only jokin'??    Nevermind.
The manufacturers of hard disks will be very grateful for Rudi's
submission.
       Davo   :)


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Q. How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A. When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q. What's red, white, and has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A. The wall behind him.

Q. How do you recognise a blonde at the airport?
A. She's the one throwing bread at the airplanes.


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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And
what would you like for Christmas?" The child stared at him open mouthed
and horrified for a minute, then gasped "Didn't you get my fucking
e-mail?"


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Q. What do you give the pedophile who has everything?
A. Another parish


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Nothing like starting the New Year with a smile ...


- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

- Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding

- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

- I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

- I  drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

- I intend to live forever - so far, so good

- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

- If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

- Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

- Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes

- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane

- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy

- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they

- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...

- 24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job

- When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded

- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out

- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder

- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark

-  How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

- Join the Army,  meet interesting people, kill them

- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor

- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

- Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- Black holes are where God divided by zero.

- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
  something.


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     i     s a y     -     i t ' s     n o t     c r i c k e t


Q. Who is the best English batsman on the current tour?
A. Ian Botham

Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An England batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.

Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.

Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.

Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.

Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.

Q. What the English version of lbw?
A. Lost, beaten, walloped.

Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.

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An OLD woman is wasting away in a retirement village when a fairy godmother
suddenly pops out of her knitting and grants three wishes.

"Hmm," ponders the dumbstruck granny, "I'd like to be rich."  Kazoom! Her
old cane rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"Well," says the granny, "now I'd to get rid of my old body and become young
and beautiful." Kapow! she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.  Just then the womans dog
wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh," says the granny," can you change him into a handsome prince?"

Boom! There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could
imagine. she stares at him licks her lips. He saunters across the porch and
whispers in her ear. "I bet you're spewing you had me desexed!.

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                                  THE Y1K BUG


Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial
year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," - a menace
which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.

Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization,
based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that
there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise?  Why did no one anticipate
that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total
disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is
mentioned?  Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing
with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra
syllables. All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained
for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets,
will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In
the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials,
from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

"We should have seen it coming ," says Brother Cedric of St. Michael's Abbey,
here in Canterbury. "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND' contains the word
'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers
to God.  Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous,
and is bound to cause terrible confusion.  Of course, we could always use
Latin, but that might be even worse -- The Latin word for 'Thousand' is
'Mille' - which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We won't know whether
we're talking about time or distance!"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay
increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones,
cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects,
this alone could plunge the whole medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire
issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal
survival.  Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on
holy water and indulgences.

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During the Christmas period I decided to update my social CV...

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been
known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient
in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan refugees,
I write award-winning operas, and I manage time efficiently. Occasionally,
I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and
godlike saxophone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with
unflagging speed, and I cook thirty minute scones in twenty minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.  Using
only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a
small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I
play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester United but now play
regularly for Lincoln City in my mind, and I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my
garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after work, I repair
electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.  Critics
worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't
perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared
on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern
Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in
9.65 seconds. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international
botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy.

I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day
and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know
the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep,
I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated
with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.  I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic,
and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in
full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot
to write it down. The first person to complain of boredom wins a Mars bar. I
have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and
a Breville Toaster. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in
Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at
the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery,
and I have spoken with Elvis.


<< The above was sumitted by Shaun Smith from a Division that shall remain
   nameless but is heavily propped up by the Autralian Wool Board.  A
   reply soon was submitted by a member of the Executive as follows ... >>


Shorn Smith, what a clever pseudonym that is.  Don't try to pull the wool
over our eyes, darn it.  We're not all knit wits out here...   Ewe
certainly tried to ram a few purlers down our throats this time.

- Dr <X>  (also a legend in his own mind)

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   Media Mogul Matt's Iraqi Prime Time Television Schedule


|   MONDAYS:
|       8:00  - "Husseinfeld"
|       8:30  - "Mad About Everything"
|       9:00  - "Suddenly Sanctions"
|       9:30  - "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
|       10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
|   TUESDAYS:
|       8:00  - "Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
|       8:30  - "The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
|       9:00  - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest
|  Things"
|       9:30  - "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
|       10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer"
|   WEDNESDAYS:
|       8:00  - "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
|       8:30  - "When Kurds Attack"
|       9:00  - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah"
|       9:30  - "Just Shoot Me"
|       10:00 - "Veilwatch"
|   THURSDAYS:
|       8:00  - "Matima Loves Chachi"
|       8:30  - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
|       9:00  - "Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,
|  Shapeless Dresses"
|       9:30  - "My Two Baghdads"
|       10:00 - "Diagnosis: Heresy"
|   FRIDAYS:
|       8:00  - "Judge Saddam"
|       8:30  - "Funniest Super 8 Home Movies"
|       9:00  - "Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
|       9:30  - "Achmed's Creek
|       10:00 - "No-witness News"


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