Friday humour - January 11, 1999

     From Davo at Bluehaze:

A belated little Friday Humour ... thrown together with a
minimum of fuss ...   Come back Tony ... all is forgiven!

Two from Mick Rand, goodlooking cousin of Dave.  Firstly a
favourite rugby song (not to be sung to 'You'll Never Walk
Alone') followed by a d&m missive ... then three wayward
submissions from the West.

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

One evening in December, when I was far from sober,

To keep my feet from wandering I tried.

My poor legs were all a-flutter, so I lay down in the gutter:

And a pig came up and laid down by my side.

We sang, "Never mind the weather just as long as we're together",

Till a lady passing by was heard to say,

"You can tell someone who boozes, by the company he chooses",

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

On cattle shows I've centred, in one a pig I entered,

And one day I sat down with him in his sty.

Famous people came to visit, when a sweet voice said, "What is it?"

I looked up and Elle Macpherson caught my eye.

She said, "What a lovely fella," poked the pig with her umbrella,

Then she looked at me awhile and whispered,

"Say I think this is his brother,"

And to my side I felt a shudder,

And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

If Noah had been truly wise,
He would have swotted one of those two flies!

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Two fellows were in hospital beds awaiting plastic surgery.

One said to the other "Gee , your face is a mess. What happened ?".
The other bloke replied "Car accident. Anyway you're no oil painting
yourself, what happened to you ?". The second patient said
"Honeymoon". The first fella said "How did you do that on your
honeymoon ?". The damaged groom said "Well it was the third day of
our post nuptials so we decided to leave the suite and check out the
resort we were staying at. The new wife is quite a keen golfer so
we elected to play 18 holes".

"Did she belt you with the club ?" asked the inquisitive patient.

"No , No " said the husband "Everything was just fine until we
arrived at the 16th tee. The wife hit a terrible hook shot over the
boundary fence and into this cattle stud next door. Well , she wanted
to look for the ball so we both jumped the fence and started looking
for it.  Anyway after ten minutes searching we still hadn't found it.
So I started poking around in the cow pats that were lying everywhere".

"Did you find it then?" his mate asked.

"Not immediately, but I noticed one cow was not swishing its tail.
So I thought I'd check it out. I lifted the tail of the cow and there
was a golf ball jammed right in the crack of the cows arse. It
was the same number as the wife was playing. I pointed at the cows
bum and yelled to the wife 'This looks like yours darling', and I
woke up here in hospital".

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

     Recent competition entries for most stupid error messages.

The procedure failed with the following error:
The command completed successfully.

Not enough memory to display this dialog.

Error: Keyboard not found. Press F1 to continue.

And its cousin:
Your mouse is not working, please click here to acknowledge.

Cannot delete tmp150_3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space.
Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again.

Unexpected error, quitting.

What makes this entry, found in Internet Explorer 4.0,
is the attached comment:
An Internet error occurred.
Submitter Jeffrey Schmitz writes: "Yeah, right, Bill, the
Internet is broken and Internet Explorer is working perfectly."

Windows has found an unknown device and is installing a driver for it.

When using Windows 95 with a Compaq Computer Corp. Presario:
Your system shell has changed. The Compaq software will work
with your new shell, but the new shell will not work with your
Compaq software. Do you wish to keep your Compaq software working?
Click yes if you are unsure.

Error 0000: No errors found, restarting computer.

And finally, the grand-prize winner:
You need to supply a fax number in order for your request not to
receive fax notifications to be processed.

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A bloke is sitting by his car at the side of the road looking unhappy. A
passer-by sees his glum face and asks what the problem is.

"I've locked myself out of my car" replies the man. "That's not a problem"
replied the passer-by, "Step out of the way, and let me try rubbing my bum
on the door".

The motorist is a bit perplexed, but reckons there's no harm in letting
the man try - it might be worth a laugh.

The passer-by turns his bum to the car and slowly rubs it up and down the
driver's door. Suddenly, the lock opens and the passer-by turns and opens
the car door.

"That's amazing!" says the motorist, "How did you do it?"

"It's easy" replies the pedestrian, "I'm wearing khaki trousers."

          - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

   (As Guru Bob might say "You think about that now ...")


[ End Fri humour ]


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