Friday humour - December 18, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Well, this'll be the last "Friday humour" for 1998, so it'll be another
"bumper" one (597 lines, all up)!

A couple of housekeeping notes just before we start - a few names (of
ex-CSIRO personnel) have been deleted from our central mail list in the
last week or so, and that'll result in no more "Friday humour" for those
people.  I tried to get these addresses reinstated early this week, but I
had no luck.  (I am but a small cog ... whinge whinge etc etc)

The other note: I'll post the next one of these collections on Friday
January the 8th (I will be back at work for that 1st week).  But then I'm
off for the rest of Jan, so you'll be relying on Ian Davidson and/or Mike
Horne (or others) to perhaps post one or two funnies in the meantime.

Anyway, let's begin this final collection with another couple of good
'uns as forwarded on by David (Fifi) McCallum:

There's been a great loss in the entertainment world.  The man who wrote
the song "Hokey Pokey" has died.

What was *really* horrible was that they had trouble keeping his body in
the casket.  They'd put the left leg in and ... well, you know the rest.
                            =  =  =  =  =  =  =

       AND ...

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.  He saw
Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the
gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive.  Ask about their background,
their family, and their lives.  Then decide if they deserve entry into

"Sounds easy enough.  Okay."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man.  Jesus
summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.  Jesus
peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you
have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your Son?  Can you tell me about

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more, and whispered, " ... Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, " ... Pinocchio?"

     And now, one which wafted over from the U.K. - a short limerick,
     from (guess who) ... David Rand's cousin, Mick:

             I like to walk the hills and dales,
             And along the river banks.
             I once trod on a fella's bum,
             And a woman yelled out "... THANKS".

       Well, I said it was short!  Now, one that was forwarded on by a
       CSIRO lady who wishes to remain anonymous - from her friend Tania:

                         CAN YOU REMEMBER WHEN ...

A computer was something on TV
from a science fiction show of note,
and a window was something you hated to clean,
and ram was the cousin of goat?

Meg was the name of my girlfriend,
and a gig was a job for the nights.
Now now they all mean different things,
and that really mega bytes.

An application was just for employment,
a program was a TV show.
A cursor was someone who profaned,
and a keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age,
a cd was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2" floppy ...
you hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to the garbage,
not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public,
you'd be in jail for a while.

A log on was adding wood to the fire,
a hard drive was a trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,
and a backup happened to your commode.

To cut, you needed a pocket knife,
to paste, you needed some glue.
A web was just a spider's home,
and a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper,
and the memory in my head.
Maybe no-one's been killed in a computer crash,
but when it happens, they wish they were dead!

      Next one's from our old mate Lee McRae (who won't see this - she's
      one of the names that's been deleted):

                              BEETHOVEN'S GRAVE

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard, and all of a sudden he
hears some music.  No one is around, so he starts searching for the

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a
headstone that reads, "Ludwig von Beethoven, 1770-1827." Then he realises
that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.  This
time, it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is
being played backward.  Curious, the men agree to consult a music

When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again
backward.  The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the
reverse order from which they were written, the 9th, then the 7th, then
the 5th.

By the next day, the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the
grave.  They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then, the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.  Someone in
the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously.

(Okay --- you try to guess now, before scrolling down :-)

(Did you guess yet?)

Come on! It's obvious!

No peeking!

"He's decomposing!"

       Okay - now for one which was forwarded on by Tom Burns:

Many colleges and businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6
characters and add the first and last initial to either the beginning or
end to make up an E-Mail address.  For example, Mary L.Ferguson = mlfergus
or fergusml.

Add to that a large database of company/college Acronyms, and you begin
to have a good probability of getting some very strange addresses.
Probably not funny to the individual involved, however ...

                     TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses

10. Helen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) -

9.  Martha Elizabeth Cummins (Fresno University) -

8.  George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) -

7.  Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) -

6.  Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) -

5.  Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) -

4.  Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) -

3.  Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) -

2.  Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division,
    Overton Canada) -

1.  Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) -

      (This message has been transmitted on 100% Recycled Electrons)

        And some quick "ale" related health advice from "that" list ...

                           GUINNESS, ANYONE?

Thanks to the Q&A in NEW SCIENTIST magazine for this one...

Q. I have heard that it is possible to live on Guinness and milk
   alone.  Is this true, or even partially true?

A. This is not quite true.  Guinness does contain many vitamins
   and minerals in small quantities, but is lacking vitamin C, as
   well as calcium and fat.

   So, to fulfil all of your daily nutritional requirements you would
   need to drink a glass of orange juice, two glasses of milk, and 47
   pints of Guinness.

      And another (short) one from Tania (by way of "anon", and (this time)
      via John Stevens :-)

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous HK
Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities
that might develop.  A few days later, he received this report:

   Most honourable sir,
You leave house.  I watch house.  He come to house.  I watch.  He and she
leave house.  I follow.  He and she get on train.  I follow.

He and she go in hotel.  I climb tree - look in window.  He kiss she.  She
kiss he.  He strip she.  She strip he.  He play with she.  She play with he.
I play with me.  Fall out of tree, not see.  No fee.

     Hmmmm?  :-)  Okay - some more "one liners", courtesy of Nicki A-O:

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
  - Mark Twain

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he
predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the
personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that
decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a
way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there.

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl
enters the room.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you
the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

      Well, we'd normally sign off about here, but I told you this was a
      bumper issue.  So on we go ... here's another one from Lar's Jensen:

    Some more classic Court transcripts, recorded by the keepers of the
    word in various parts of the world...

LAWYER:   Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER:   Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS:  I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER:   Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
                              #   #   #   #   #

LAWYER:   So, after the anesthetic, when you came out of it, what
          did you observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS:  I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER:   It was covered?
WITNESS:  Yes.  Bandaged.
LAWYER:   Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS:  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were
          removed and put on top of my head.
                              #   #   #   #   #

Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?
A:  No.
Q:  Did you check for breathing?
A:  No.
Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you beg an
    the autopsy?
A:  No.
Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
                              #   #   #   #   #

LAWYER:   What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS:  There were traces of semen.
LAWYER:   Male semen?
WITNESS:  That's the only kind I know of.
                              #   #   #   #   #

LAWYER:   On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
          the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS:  I did.
LAWYER:   And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS:  I did.
LAWYER:   And did you observe anything?
WITNESS:  I did.  (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER:   Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS:  I saw George.
LAWYER:   You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
LAWYER:   Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS:  Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER:   Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS:  He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER:   His "thing"?
WITNESS:  You know...  His thing.  His di... I mean, his penis.
LAWYER:   You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were
          sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
LAWYER:   Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS:  Of course I did!
LAWYER:   What did you say to him?
WITNESS:  "Morning, George."

            Now, a small sample of some "odd spots" forwarded on by Rex
            Stevens (brother of John):

                 With a Little Help from Our Friends!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a
gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.  After firing ten tear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting to please come out and give himself up...
                             #   #   #   #   #

                            And What Was Plan B?

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced
him to drive to two different automated teller machines.  The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
                             #   #   #   #   #

             And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!

A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one-day suspension
under his elementary school's drug policy last week - for Certs!  Joey
Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him "jump
                             #   #   #   #   #

And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for
giving a classmate a cough drop.  School principal Forest Mann reiterated
the school's "zero-tolerance" policy (not to be confused with the "zero
intelligence" policy).
                             #   #   #   #   #

                               The Getaway

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the
money in the cash drawer.  Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied
up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until
police showed up and grabbed him.
                             #   #   #   #   #

                      Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery

In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police
station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he
claimed had been stolen.  Police were shocked to learn that the man had
drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill
and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
                             #   #   #   #   #

                       Have I Got a Deal for You!

More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough
to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.

According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told
to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined
temples and painted deserts.  Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and
enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets.  Explore mysterious canals and
marvel at the views.  Trips to the moon also available."

Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over
six million dollars.
                             #   #   #   #   #

                              Did I Say That?!

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just
couldn't control himself during a lineup.  When detectives asked each man
in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
                             #   #   #   #   #

      And - last of all for 1998 - one from Bob Flann.  If you've "hung
      in there" this far, you'll *really* enjoy this one:

                          THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual
yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic
activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential,
including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.  Hosiery
was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning
caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose
folkloric appellations is the honourific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically
through their cerebra.  My conjugal partner and I, attired in our
nocturnal cranial coverings, were about to take slumbrous advantage of
the hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the
grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt
compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose
of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing the
fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without,
reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline aqueous
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself -
thus permitting my incredulous optical sensor to peruse a miniature
airborne runnered conveyance drawn by an octet of diminutive specimens of
the genus Rangifer, piloted by a miniscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient
and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our
anticipated caller.  With his undulate motive power travelling at what may
possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar
predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through
contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her
respective cognomen ... "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al.  - guiding
them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which
structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the
32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing
a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage.  He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from the
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof.  His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his
submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging
amiability.  The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal aptenance were
engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former
approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that
of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry.  His amusing sub- and supralabials
resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient
hirstute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar
crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smokingpiece whose gray fumes,
forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a
decorative seasonal circlet of holly.  His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned hosiery with articles of merchandise extracted from his
aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.  Upon
completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a
single manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ,
inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith
affected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage.

He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed
a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement
hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common

But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his
vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic yuletides to the
planetary constituence, and to that self-same assemblage my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period
between sunset and dawn."

 And may you have a happy, festive, and family-centric Christmas, humourites!

[ End Fri humour (for 1998) ]

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