Friday humour - December 04, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

This little list has been slowly but steadily growing over the last few
months (although don't get me wrong - there's about 120 of us now - it's
not as if it's in the thousands).

Anyway, the first contribution this week comes from one of our more recent
humourites, Brian (in the UK, near Chester).  He came across the list
via Dave Rand (whom he knows via their many years of collective research
into battery and fuel cell technology):

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my
penis erect.  Can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem
with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged.
There's really nothing I can do for you except to try an experimental

Jack asks ,"What is the treatment?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from
the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well ... the thought of going
through life without ever having sex again is too much.  Let's go for it."

A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use
this improved equipment.  He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend
and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that
continued to the point of being painful.  To release the pressure Jack
unzipped his fly.  His penis immediately sprung from his trousers, went to
the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That
was incredible!  Can you do it again?"

Jack replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I think so, but I don't think
I can fit another roll up my arse."

    Next, a quickie from Steve (ex over at the Elevator factory):

Two blondes were driving through Louisiana.  As they were approaching the
town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the
name.  They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one blonde asked the manager, "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us?  Would you please
pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said:

    And now - this one must just about set the record for the shortest
   contribution yet (forwarded on by Fifi McCallum):

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

    This is the 2nd-shortest - passed on recently by Ian xxxxx:

A consignment of 10,000 Viagra tablets has been stolen from a
pharmaceutical warehouse.

Police are searching for a gang of hardened criminals.

    Okay?  Well, time for another contribution from Mick Rand, who
    prefaced this with "... I believe in telling them early for

              Uncovered via the Dead Sea Scrolls ...

And the Three Wise Men crosseth the desert, guided by the Bright Star,
where it stoppeth over a town called Bethlehem.

The Three Wise Men gotteth off their camels and walked to the manger, and
one of them knocketh upon the door.

Joseph answered, saying, "Cometh in ... cometh in."

Whilst crossing the manger floor, one of the Three Wise men troddeth upon
a pitch fork, which upped itself and hitteth him upon the nose.

"Jeseth Cwist," sayeth the Wise man, holding his bleeding nose.

Mary looketh up and sayeth, "Verily, that is a nice name.  I was going to
call him Fred."

     This next one was passed on (*) by Alf (otherwise known as ARJK -
     another escapee from the strange and mystical world of elevators):

                        STOP THE GENOCIDE (V1.0)

Erkki Tapola 29-Jul-96

Every second billions of innocent assembler instructions are executed all over
the world. Inhumanly they are put on a pipeline and executed with no regard to
their feelings. The illegal instructions are spared, although they should be
executed instead of the legal ones.

Prior to the execution the instructions are transported to a cache unit using a
bus. There they spent their last moments waiting for the execution. Just before
the execution the instruction is separated into several pieces. The execution
isn't always fast and painless. On crude hardware the execution of a complex
instruction can take as long as 150 clock cycles. Scientists are working on
shorter execution times.

Microsoft endorses the needless execution of instructions with their products
like DOS(TM), Windows(TM), Word(TM) and Excel(TM). It is more human to use
software which minimizes the executions.

Modern machines use several units to execute multiple instructions
simultaneously. This way it is possible to execute several hundred million
instructions per second. The time is near when there will be no more
instructions to execute.

                                   ACT NOW!

                              Before it's too late

               This article was written on recycled paper by hand.


 (*) [Erkki Tapola (the original author of the above) emailed me on Feb 16 2002
      and asked that I correct the wording of the above by copying the original
      Click here so just I've done that.

      I'm always interested to discover the original authors of any of our
      contributions, so thanks Erkki!

    And now, time for another one gleaned from the "List Out West" ...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied: "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit,
I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  Then, if I start to get
nervous, I just take a sip."

So the following Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice.  As before, at the
beginning of the sermon, he became nervous, and so he tried a sip.  Eventually,
he managed to talk up a real storm.

Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note under his

1)    Sip the vodka - don't gulp.

2)    There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3)    There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)    Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5)    Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not "Bet his arse."

6)    We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The late J.C."

7)    The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are NOT referred to as
      daddy, junior and the spook.

8)    David slew Goliath, he did not "kick the shit out of him".

9)    When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he
      was "Stoned off his arse."

10)   We do not refer to the cross as "The big T"

11)   When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and
      eat it, for it is my body,"  He did not say "Eat me"

12)   The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the "Mary with the cherry"

13)   The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for
      the grub - yeah, God"

14)   Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a
      Peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy

    Occasionally, someone points out a web site that specialises in jokes.
    Since joining CSIRO, I've never had the time to chase these up, but today,
    for once, I did have a quick peek.  Steve Sanetsis pointed these out
    (or rather, the sites).  So here's a very quick sample of what's going
    around the Internet at the moment:

                            MEN JOKES

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take
   to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.

Q: What's a man's idea of a romantic evening?
A: A candlelit football ground.

Q: What's the difference between a man and a chimpanzee?
A: One is hairy, smelly and is always scratching it's rear and the
   other's a chimpanzee.

Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.

Q: How do you confuse a man?
A: Tell him to start a knock-knock joke.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilise one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!

Q: What do electric toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands
   who end up playing with them.

        And ...

                        THE FIRST TIME

            The sky was dark, the moon was high,
            All alone, just her and I.
            Her hair so soft; her eyes so blue,
            I knew just what she wanted to do.
            Her skin was soft; her legs so fine;
            I ran my fingers down her spine.
            I didn't know how, but I tried my best;
            I started by placing my hands on her breast.

            I remember my fear, my fast beating heart;
            But slowly she spread her legs apart.
            And when I did it I felt such shame;
            All at once the white stuff came.
            At last it's all finished; it's all over now.
            My very first time ever at milking a cow.

      Okay - onto something much more serious now.  Most of you have
      probably heard of the "Year 2000" bug in th world of computers.
      This "millenium bug" is basically just a case of dealing with all
      those computer programs which happen to store date information with
      the YEAR expressed in terms of the last two digits only, rather
      than all four.

      With these programs, when the millenium rolls over, their date goes
      from 31/12/99 to 01/01/00, and all date-related arithmetic will
      stand a pretty fair chance of falling in a heap.  But now, it seems,
      the world of computers may not be the only area affected.  This
      was just forwarded on by David from Telstra (ex Elevators):

             EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GigaBurg BUG

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilisation:
The 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers
the giant chain has sold.  That number now stands at 99 billion burgers,
or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).  Within months or even weeks, that number will roll
over to 100GB.  McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the
prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote.
So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs
will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince
the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever
in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in
McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force
the already-troubled company into bankruptcy.  This, in turn, will push the
teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the
total devastation of the global economy, ending civilisation as we know it,
and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one
expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of 'The Field
Guide To North American Insects' and heading for the hills."

     We'll finish up with one from Russell Newnham in a tick, but
     just before that, let's sneak in one more from the westerly list:

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train.  After the initial embarrassment they both
go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea ... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married".

The woman thinks for moment."Why not", she giggles.

"Great!", he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"

     Okay - if you've read this far - we finish off the week with some
     sardonic one-liners from Russell:


Accountants do it with Double Entry

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

Ambulance drivers come quicker

Australians do it Down Under

Bankers do it with interest

Bartenders do it on the Rocks

Chess players check their Mates

Cops do it with cuffs

DJs do it on request

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure

Dentists do it orally

Detectives do it under cover

Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

Engineers do it to specification

Firemen do it with a big hose

Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbagemen cum twice a week

Gardeners do it in the bushes

Gas attendants Pump all day

Housewives do it for an allowance

Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast

Landlords do it every 1st of the month

Mountain Climbers like to be on top

Pianists touch, tickle, and titillate!

Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them!
[ End Fri humour ]

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