Friday humour - November 27, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Well, over here in Vic (Aust), we're finally enjoying some warm summer
weather again.  Yesterday (Thursday) was quite warm and today is supposed
to be too.  Nice to go outside and get beaten over the head with some
strong sunshine.  (Most importantly - excellent pub weather!)

Bit of a long one again this week (still in catch-up mode).  First up -
one that was forwarded on by David McCallum back in September:

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The barman says, "Hey, you're a duck"

"Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck.

"Yeah, but I mean - you can TALK" says the barman.

"Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck.  "Now, can I have a
beer please."

The barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the

"Oh," says the duck, "I work on the building site over the road.  We'll
be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint."

And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and
has his lunchtime lager.  Next week, the circus comes to town on its
annual round.  The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells
him about the talking duck.

"You should get it into your circus," he says  "Make a lot of bucks out
of a talking duck - I'll speak to him about it."

Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime.  The barman says:  "You
know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner.
He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah.  You can make a lot of money there.  I can fix it up for you easily."

"Hang on," said the duck.  "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?"

"That's right."

"That's one of those tent things, isn't it?  With a big pole in the middle?"


"That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck.

"Of course," replied the barman.  "I can get you a job there starting
tomorrow.  The circus owner's dead keen."

The duck looks very puzzled and finally says "But what the fuck would he
want with a plasterer?"

    Next, an infrequent but nevertheless regular contributor - Nikki
    Scarlett - sent these in at around the same time.  As Nikki put it:
    "... a couple of true stories/urban myths courtesy of The Dilbert Zone."

The company where I work services cargo access equipment on ships.
After each service job, a report must be filed listing the ship's name,
location, and summary of the work performed.

One of our service engineers was writing his report on a recent job, but
was unsure of the ship's name.  His boss told him to read the name off
the stern of the ship.

The report came back with the ship name listed as: "Beware Of Propeller."

                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

There is a store in our office building called "Legs Beautiful."  They
sell up-market women's hosiery.  Last year they extended their hours of
operation.  To inform people, they placed several signs around the
retail area of the building that said:

     "Legs Beautiful.  Now Open Longer."

    Earlier this week, just on an impulse, I forwarded last weeks Friday
    humour across to Nestor Zaluzec (a scientist over at ANL in Illinois
    that we're currently working with).
    He just forwarded me back a collection of some of the material he's
    collected.  Here's a bit of a sample:

History of Medicine

 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work any more.  Here, eat this root.

                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

         NOT SO FAMOUS QUOTES - Submitted by Debbie Honigwachs

 The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
 suffer from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best
 friends.  If they are okay, than it's you.
    --Rita Mae Brown

 My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
 advice.  One day, he took me aside and left me there.
    --Ron Richards

 I always wanted to be somebody but I should have been
 more specific.
    --Lily Tomlin

 I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds.
 I hold them above globes
 They freak out and yell "Whoa, I'm way too high."
    -- by Bruce Baum

                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

                  Some more strange signs

 An ad on the subway in NYC:
 "Learn to read and speak English.  Call us now."
    - Denise2235

 An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist:
 "Emergency Foot Surgery - Walk-ins Welcomed."
    -Scott W. Tilden

 Sign over a restroom in a restaurant:
 "Used beer department."
    -Kevin M. Loader

 Comparative customs:

 In front of flat in London:
 "It is unlawful to allow your pets to foul the footways by depositing
  excrement thereon."

   - VERSUS -

 In New York:
 "Curb your dog."
    -Karen R. Cavanaugh

 On a store front in Florida:
 "Your one stop shop!  Beer Ammo and Liquor.  Drive through - open 24 hours!"
    -Matt Curran

 A speed limit sign on Long Beach Island, New Jersey:
 "Smile, You're on Radar!"
    -Jason Weinstein

 In a bathroom stall at a college athletic facility:
 "Please place tampons and sanitary napkins in trash recepticle.  Do not
 flush down stool."
    -Rebecca J. Klest

 Seen in a State Park in California:

 "Weather Station (A large sign with a Rock hanging on a rope)

    Check the Rock:
 If it's wet, it's raining.
 If it's moving, it's windy.
 If you can't see it, it's foggy.
 If rock is gone, it's a tornado."
    -Cerebus the Aard

 Seen on a sign on a hamster cage at a pet store in an Austin, Texas, Mall:

 "Hamsters: $6.97
 Children Who Fall In: $2.88"

    Both John Stevens and Paul Fazey passed this next one on.  Apparently
    this took place on Melbourne radio station this month:

One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask
them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the
same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a
holiday to Bali.

Last week, the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday it's XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?

Brian: Yeah, sure!

Presenter:  Okay.  Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate.  (Ha Ha!) ... Well ... about 8 o'clock this morning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for, Brian?

Brian: Orrrrr .... gee .... I dunno ... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes?  Good one.  And where did you do it mate?

Brian: Ohhhh, c'mon maaaaate - I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here, Brian!

Brian: Okay. ... okay ... on the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter).  Good one Brian,
           now is it okay for us to call your wife?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi, Sharelle, how are you?

Sharelle: Hi.  Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other
           line.  Say hello.

Sharelle: Hi, Brian.

Brian: Hi, Sharelle.

Presenter: Now, Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions
           we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a
        trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth, Honey.

Sharelle: Okay.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo.  I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter.  I've already told them.

Sharelle: Oh, okay ... about 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start!  Next question.  How long did it go for Sharelle?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: Okay.  Sharelle, final question:  Where did you do it?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that.  My mum could be listing.  No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway ...
       just tell 'em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... god ... well, alright.  Up my bum.

Radio: Silence.

Radio: Commercials ....

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before.  We're live on this show,
           and sometimes these things happen.  We've given Brian and
           Sharelle the holiday.  Now we'll take a music break.

    And another regular contributor (Tom Burns) sent this one in back
    in July.  This can constitute our Microsoft bash for the week:

Three Apple engineers and three Microsoft employees are travelling by
train to a conference.

At the station, the three Microsoft employees each buy tickets and watch
as the three Apple engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a
Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers the Apple engineer.

They all board the train.  The Microsoft employees take their respective
seats but all three Apple engineers cram into a restroom and close the
door behind them.  Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand.  The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Microsoft employees saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Microsoft employees decide to copy the Apple
engineers (as they always do) on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return
trip.  To their astonishment, the Apple engineers don't buy a ticket at

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed
Microsoft employee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an Apple engineer.

When they board the train the three Microsoft employees cram into a
restroom and the three Apple engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Apple engineers leaves his restroom and
walks over to the restroom where the Microsoft employees are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says: "Ticket, please."

     Actually, after that one, I can't resist inserting Nestor's
     "signature tag" that accompanied his contribution - it was:

      The box said "This program requires Windows 95 or better..."
      so I bought a G3 Mac.

    Next, a couple if short "odd spots" from John over at the Museum:

                               ROAST GHOST

KAY MARTIN, a secretary to a New Zealand MP, got the fright of her life a
few weeks ago.  According to the Auckland Sunday Star, she and a friend
were chatting over a drink when they heard a chicken squawking.  The bird
sounded in some distress, so they went outside to investigate, thinking
perhaps that it had escaped from one of the neighbours.  But there were no
chickens anywhere.

Then Martin realised with horror that the sound was coming from her own
kitchen - coming, in fact, from the oven, where she had put a chicken in
to roast half an hour earlier.

"It was as if it was shrieking at me from its grave," she says. "It was
so bizarre I just froze."

As they approached the oven, the squawking reached a crescendo.  They took
the tray out, and as the chicken began to cool, the squawking died away.
Martin chopped the neck off and threw it in the sink.  She noticed that
the vocal chords were intact.

"Steam was coming up the neck from the stuffing," says Martin, "and this
had caused the dead bird to squawk."

She hasn't cooked chicken since.

                         #  #  #  #  #  #  #

                          NAMING AND SHAMING

THE National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps personal
information about its customers - such as their political affiliation -
on computer.  But now Computer Weekly reveals that a financial institution,
sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved into the realm of personal

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services.  One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select the customers
automatically.  He tested the program with an imaginary customer called
Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
"Dear Rich Bastard".  The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

    And the last one for this week - a short tall story from Fifi McCallum:

A small town doctor routinely performed circumcision and got it in the
habit of saving the foreskins in a jar of formaldehyde.

Many years went by it came time to retire, and the doctor was cleaning
out this office when he came across the jar, now completely full.  "Why
throw it out?" he said.

So he took it to the tailor's shop downstairs with instructions to make
whatever he saw fit.  Two weeks later the tailor presented him with a
beautiful little wallet.

"A wallet!  That's all I get after a lifetime of work?" exclaimed the
doctor.  "There were hundreds and hundreds of foreskins in that jar!"

"Relax, Doc, just relax," said the tailor.  "Rub it for a minute or two
and it turns into a suitcase."
[ End Fri humour ]

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