Friday humour - November 19, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

We'll start off this week with something from our infamous "westerly"
humour list (one that came in several months back):

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a Captain and his
crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

As the crew became frantic, the Captain bellowed to his First Mate,
"Bring me my red shirt!".

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
Captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were now _two_ pirate
vessels sending boarding parties.  The crew cowered in fear, but the
Captain calm as ever bellowed,  "Bring me my red shirt!".  The battle
was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding
parties, although this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked,
"Sir - why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".

The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a Captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid".

The men sat in silence marvelling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there
were pirate ships - 10 of them - all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.

The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"

     Now - over the last two or three weeks, we've had some classic
     pick-up and put-down lines (from both sides) ... here's a few more:

             (and what they actually mean)

10.  I think of you as a brother.
     (You remind me of that in-bred banjo geek from "Deliverance.")

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (I don't want to do my dad.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You ugly dork.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (I don't want you spending the night or else you may hear phone calls
    from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6.  I've got a boyfriend.
    (I prefer my male cat and 2 litres of Peters ice cream.)

5.  I don't date men where I work.
    (I wouldn't date you if you're in the same *solar system*, much less
    the same building.)

4.  It's not you, it's me.
    (It's you.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than
    dating you.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (I've sworn off the likes of you (or) I'd rather be gang raped by a
    bunch of bald-headed herpes-infested midgets (or) I'd rather drink
    turpentine and piss on a brush fire (or) when bats fly out of my butt.)

1.  Let's be friends.
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail
    about all the other men I meet and have sex with.)


       (and what they actually mean)

10.  I think of you as a sister.
     (You're ugly.)

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You're ugly.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You're ugly.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly.)

6.  I've got a girlfriend.
    (You're ugly.)

5.  I don't date women where I work.
    (You're ugly.)

4.  It's not you, it's me.
    (You're ugly.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (You're ugly.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (You're ugly.)

1.  Let's be friends.
    (You're sinfully ugly.)

    Now to one that was forwarded on just a few days ago by Emma B:

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe
in their car.  They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic
light.  Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the
hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn.   "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on.  That will get rid of the abomination,"
says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer.  I filled it up with Holy Water in the
Vatican," says Sister Helen.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.  Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and
shouts, "Get the f**k off our car!"

    Next one comes via David McCallum - some more exam answers:

   The following are samples of REAL answers on exams given by the
   California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for??  He can't see my license plate.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at
   the same time?

A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
   "Guns don't kill people.  I do."
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?

A: Always wear a condom.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer
   drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
   flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The colour.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.
                      *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?

A: It would be tough to be a dickhead all day long

     Now, eventually, some (if not all) of these people must have
     managed to obtain their driving licences.  So - next, some
     accident reports:

   The following are copies of ACTUAL written statements submitted to the
   police on report forms.  (Or at least they claim to be ACTUAL
   statements.  You be the judge.)  The drivers were instructed to give a
   brief statement on the particulars of the accident in their own words.

WD = woman driver
MD = man driver

WD: Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
    didn't know.

MD: I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my Mother-in-law
    and headed over the embankment.

MD: An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

WD: The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

WD: I saw the slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the
    hood of my car.

WD: To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the

MD: When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and
    crashed into the other car.

MD: As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a
    place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to
    stop in time to avoid the accident.

MD: The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car
    with a big mouth.

WD: I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

MD: I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I
    found that I had fractured my skull.

WD: I thought I could squeeze between two trucks when my car became

     And now for a short one from John over at the Museum of Vic:

A letter recently seen in the "Personal advice column"....

I am a sailor in the New Zealand Navy.  My parents live in Pukekohe and
one of my sisters, who lives in Browns Bay, is married to an Australian.

My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are
prostitutes on K Road.  I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence in Mt Eden, for the rape & murder of a teenage
boy in 1994, the other currently being held in the Auckland remand centre
on charges of incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who and
indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a Fort St Brothel, however,
her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an
STD.We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into
the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee, utilising her
knowledge of the industry, working as the manager.

I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team.
Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves at least it
would get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this...  I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her
into the family, and of course I want to be totally honest with
her, so ...... should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an

    This next one was forwarded on by two people (at different times) -
    Jean (who received it from her Tokyo contact), and Lachlan.  This
    guy may just be eligible for the "fast thinker of the month" award:

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident
of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday.  Davidson will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he
decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles.  At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a
phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road,
picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a
hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon
Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor.
"I walked up to (Davidson) and he's ... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are
screwing a pumpkin?'

He got real surprised, as you'd expect, and then looked me straight in
the face and said, 'A pumpkin?  Oh, hell ... is it midnight already?"

     And to finish off this week, three little "odd spot" news items from
     the US, as forwarded on by Nicki A-O:


When a man attempted to syphon petrol from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage.  A police spokesman said that the man admitted
to trying to steal petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's
sewage tank by mistake.

The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying it was the
best laugh he'd ever had.

Oklahoma City:

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store
in a district court this week when he fired his lawyer.

Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair
job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton
was the robber.

Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying, and screamed: "I should
have blown your f***ing head off."

The defendant then paused, and quickly added, " ... if I'd been the one
that was there."

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year


A thief burst into the bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a
gun.  Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER

For a moment, everyone was silent.  Then the snickers started.  The guard
completely lost it and doubled over laughing.  It probably saved his life,
because he'd been about to draw his gun.  He couldn't have drawn and fired
before the thief got him.

The thief ran away and is still at large.  In memory of the event, the
bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved "Freeze, mother-stickers,
this is a f--- up!"
[ End Friday humour ]

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