Friday humour - November 12, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   One thing I keep forgetting to do is to pass on Marshall Lanyon's
   "interesting internet site" that he mentioned to me back in August.
   It's:  Click here - satellite

   images from around the world.  If you blow things up far enough,
   you can almost see your own house in there.  Makes you think ...

   Anyway ... onto the humour.  First up this week, one recently
   forwarded on by Eric Frazer:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip.  After a good meal
and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson,
look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo.  Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that God is
all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead.  Some
bastard has stolen our tent."

     Now another recent one (I seem to be starting from the opposite end
     of the pile this week) - this was forwarded on by Matt Greene.  For
     those who haven't caught up with Matt recently, BTW, he's back in
     town after his world trip, and also back looking after PC's over at

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner
with God.  During dinner God told them:

I need three important people to send my message out to all
people:  'Tomorrow I will destroy the earth.' "

Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them:
I have TWO really BAD news items for you:

1) God really exists, and
2) Tomorrow He will destroy the earth."

Clinton called an emergency meeting of the Senate and Congress
and told them: "I have GOOD news and BAD news:

1) The GOOD news is that God really does exist, and
2) The BAD news is, tomorrow He is going to destroy the earth."

Bill Gates went back to Microsoft and very happily announced:
I have TWO FANTASTIC announcements:

1) I am one of the three most important people on earth, and
2) The Year 2000 problem is solved.

     And on the subject of the disgustingly, revoltingly rich Bill Gates,
     here's one which was forwarded on by John at the Museum of Vic.
     (Lachlan also passed it on a while back):

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Glasgow edition of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Glasgow.  If you
have one of the Glasgow editions you may need some help understanding the
commands.  The Glasgow edition may be recognised by looking at the
opening screen.  It reads WINDAES 98 with a background picture of a
Buckfast bottle superimposed on a Clydebank flag.  It is shipped with a
Buckfast screen saver.

Also note:
      The Recycle Bin is labelled Tae Fookin Kip
      Dialup Networking is called Ma Mates
      Control Panel is known as How Tae Fook Aboot Wi The Settins
      Hard Drive is referred to as Big Disc
      Floppies are known as Them Wee Plastic Bastards

Other features:
      OK = It's arglrrrroight
      Cancel = Fook off
      Yes = Aye!
      No = Nay fuckin' chance
      Find = Get it yer fuckin' sel'
      Go to = Orr therr
      Help = Ah cannae dae it
      Stop = Gie's fuckin peace
      Start = Fookin' move, yer fookin basterd
      Settings = Se'ins
      Programs = Stuff at does stuff
      Personal Folder = ma orn shit

Also note that Windaes 98 does not recognise capital letters or
punctuation marks.  Some programs that are exclusive to WINDAES 98:

      tiperiter = a word processor
      cullerin book = a graphics program
      addin mershene = calculator
      scratch paper = notepad (usually unused)
      sounds = CD player
      porn = Microsoft Internet Explorer
      pikchers = a graphics viewer
      dole money = M/S accounting software
      Sellik = a spreadsheet of Celtic F.C.'s recent scores
      Bevvy = local off-licences by area code and price of Tennent's Super
      tax records = usually an empty file
      Kappa tracksuit inventory (usually 3 meg file)

We regret any inconvenience it may have cause if you received a copy of
the Glasgow edition.
You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

     Arrrr ... may as well continue the Bill Gates bash session - this
     one was forwarded on by Ian Madsen:

  The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for
  the planned Windows 2000:

1.  Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2.  Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3.  Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4.  Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

5.  Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6.  Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7.  Bad command or file name!  Go stand in the corner.

8.  This will end your Windows session.  Do you want to play another game?

9.  Windows message: "Error saving file!  Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.  Please log

11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15. File not found.  Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16. Bad or missing mouse.  Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found.  Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

20. User Error: Replace user.

21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all
    your future creations.  Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have
    been deleted.  The police are on the way.

    Varghese Swamy passed this one a few months back.  One reason it's
    been "on hold" was just that most Port people have already seen it (I
    sent it out back in February 1995), but it's so good (and even more
    relevant now), so here we go (again - for some :-):

                         THAT SINKING FEELING

The transfer of $A1.4 million from university research funds to the
administration of research funding (Campus Review, January 12-18) has
been greeted with dismay from a number of university sectors.

The following parable was received from a despondent academic at UNSW:

A boat race was arranged between a foreign team and a team representing
an Australian university.  Both teams practised long and hard to reach
their peak performance.  On the big day they were as ready as they could
be.  The foreign team won by a mile.

Afterwards, the Australian team became very discouraged by the result and
morale sagged.  Senior management decided that the reason for the
crushing defeat had to be found and a working party was set up to
investigate the problem and recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion was that the foreign team had eight people rowing and
one person steering, while the Australian team had eight people steering
and one person rowing.

Senior management of the university hired a consultancy company to do a
review of the team's structure.  Millions of dollars and several months
later they concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough

To prevent losing to the foreigners next year, the team structure was
changed to four assistant steering managers, two pro-vice steering
managers, one executive steering manager and a director of steering
services.  A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the
person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder.  The steering cabin
was upgraded and refurbished and an admiral's award for the best rower
was announced.

The next year the foreign team won by two miles.

The Australian university's management laid off the rower for poor
performance, sold off all the paddles, cancelled all capital investment
for new equipment and halted development of a new boat.  The money saved
was used to fund higher than average pay awards to senior management and
to enlarge and refurbish the club house.

  (From Melbourne University Campus Review, January 19-25, 1995)

     And to finish up for the week - no Friday humour would be complete
     without at least one from "that list out West".  This is longish ...

             WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? -- by John Scalzi

The question this time, from the men's side of the table: what should you
do when the women you're with asks you: "What are you thinking?"

Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more
often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you
are watching a good film, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a
feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico.

Regardless of what you're doing, you must come up with a complete and
satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings.
Which means, of course, you'll spend the next week pretending to be
sorry.  So you've got to come up with something.  And it had better be

Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we're
thinking?  Simple: they assume we're thinking in the first place.  Hard
to believe, but there it is.

Why on earth would they think that?  Well, go up to a woman and ask her
what she is thinking.  I have just done so with my wife, and this is what
she is thinking about:

"Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having
Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room so
that people can walk around without hitting their heads.  Underneath that
I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I'm
going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as
well.  And under that I'm wondering if it's too late to get tickets on a
plane to Ohio for Christmas.  AND I'm thinking about getting a snack."

Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four
separate things.  If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be
thinking.  Women are always thinking, and often about practical things.

Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out
of every hour (usually not in sequence).  So, at best, you have a one in
12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought.  What are we
thinking about?

1.  Sex
2.  Food
3.  Steve Miller tunes
4.  Sports
5.  Beavis and Butthead
6.  Sex
7.  Work
8.  The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence, and
    whether a benevolent and omnipotent higher power can possibly exist
    within it (or Beer)
9.  Sleep
10. Sex

In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a
8.83% chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought.
You might as well bet on the New York Jets.  Sound harsh, guys?  Fine.
Quick --what are you thinking?  Had to think about it, didn't you.  You
lose.  Sit down.

Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never
thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts.  In a
way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if prodded long
enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we
think in an hour.  And they will.  Unfortunately, most of what we'll be
thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking." And that's just going to
get us in trouble.

The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are
thinking is to have a ready, pre-memorised answer for the times that she
does.  Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of

"I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by the
fire together."

Pros: Romantic; Sounds as if you're spontaneous.

Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation);

Romantic moments often prompt even more "What are you thinking" queries.

"I'm thinking how much I love you."

Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need
for further conversation; Is often also true.

Cons: If you use it too much, she'll know it's a line, and then you're
really in trouble.

"I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."

Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker.

Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of "alien
sigmoidoscopy" story that ruined her last relationship.

"I just was imagining - if I were an animal, what sort of animal I'd be."

Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to
establish your place in the animal kingdom.

Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skink; She may forgo
the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.

"I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust in the Wind' really

Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall
conversation, you may break out into song.

Cons: If she's a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself
in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper, "Dust" or
Aerosmith's "Dream On".

Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual
thought.  If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go
ahead and share it, as long as it's not something along the lines of
"This relationship blows" or "I really like margarine".  With a little
practice, you should come out okay.

But, hey.  That's just what I think.
[ End Fri humour ]

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