Friday humour - October 29, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Sitting here at twenty past six on a Thursday evening and the sun's
shining brightly through the window - isn't daylight saving great (unless
you live on a farm, I suppose).

Around here at the moment, there's a "visioning" process going on - you
know the sort of thing ... trying to look forward 3 - 5 years and figure
out where the opportunities are and so on (without leaving the office).
Now, looking forward is always difficult - so here's some examples of
various attempts from the past (ripped off from the list out west from 6
months ago):

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
 as a means of communication.  The device is inherently of no value to us."
  --Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
  --Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.  Who would pay
 for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
  --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment
    in radio in the 1920s.

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
  --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
  --Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.'
  --Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with
 the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that
 won't last out the year."
  --The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what ... is it good for?"
  --Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,  1968,
    commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
   --Ken Olson, president, chairman/founder of Digital Equipment Corp,1977

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better
 than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
  --A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's
    paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.  (Smith went on to
    found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
 Gary Cooper."
  --Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With
   The Wind."

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
   --Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles in 1962.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.  The
 literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."

  --Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M
   Post-It" Notepads.

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this *amazing* thing, even
 built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us?
 Or we'll give it to you.  We just want to do it.  Pay our salary, we'll
 come work for you.'   And they said: 'No.'

 So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need
 you.  You haven't even made it through college yet."'

  --Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and HP
    interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
 and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to
 react.  He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high school."

  --1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary
    rocket work.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
 You're crazy."

  --Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill
    for oil in 1859.

"Airplanes are interesting toys, but of no military value."
  --Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
  --Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
  --Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."

  --Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
   Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K of memory ought to be enough for anybody."
   --Bill Gates, 1981

    Now back to fiction (or ... is it?) - this short one was forwarded
    on by David over at Telstra a while back ...

  A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at
the bar.  After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over
to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you
for a while?"

  She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep
with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.  Naturally,
the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to
his table.

  After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises.  She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.  You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

He stared at her for a moment, then yelled out at the top of his lungs:
"What do you MEAN two hundred dollars??"

      And another quick one (an oldie but a goodie):

The Pope walked into this hotel in Las Vegas and walked up to the desk to
check in.

The clerk said" I don't believe it - it's Elvis Presley!" The Pope
replied," No, no - it's me the Pope.  See my white robes?"

The clerk said," Oh yes, I see, sorry." and gave him his keys.  The
bellboy came over to get the Pope's bags and said "Oh my God - it's Elvis
Presley,  I don't believe it.  I just *knew* you were alive!"

The Pope chuckled and said," No, no, my son - I'm the Pope, God's rep on
earth.  See my pointed hat and white robes?"

"Oh yes - I see," said the bellboy, and took his bags up to the Pope's

When the Pope got to his room and opened his door he saw a stunning,
naked lady laying on his bed.  She gazed at the Pope for a brief moment
and then screamed, "Elvis Presley ... it's _Elvis_Presley!"

The Pope replied: "Well, a one for the money, a two for the show ..."

    And while we're on the subject of the Pope ... here's one which was
    forwarded on by John over the Museum of Vic:

The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage in front of a
huge crowd.  Her Majesty and His Holiness, however, have seen it all
before, so to make it a little more interesting, the Queen says to the
Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make
every English person in this crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him.  Sure enough, the royal gloved wave
elicits rapture and cheering from every English person in the crowd.

Gradually, the cheering subsides.  The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by
someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could
do.  "Your Majesty, that was impressive.  But did you know that with one
nod of my head I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with
joy?  This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak
of this day and rejoice."

The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so.  "One little nod of your
head and all Irish people will rejoice forever?  Show me."

So the Pope headbutts her.

    This one is from John as well ...

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY.  The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would
like to play a fun game.  The blonde is tired and just wants to take a
nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks.  The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot
of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't
know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he
will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this  "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5,
but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no
end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a
five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn.  She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.  He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references.  He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows.
All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.  He
wakes the blonde and hands her $50.

The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and
asks,  "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer
$5, and goes back to sleep.

    This next one was passed on by David (Fifi) McCallum ...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress.  If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.  Be pleasant, and make sure
he is in a good mood.  For lunch make him a nutritious meal.  For dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him.  Don't burden him with chores,
as he probably had a hard day.  Don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse.  And most importantly, make love
with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  If
you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband
will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.  "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.

    Now, time for one from Deanna ...

There was a lad who worked in the produce section of the Tesco.  A man
came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.  The boy told him that
they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did
not need a whole head, but only a half head.  The boy said he would go
ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some arsehole out
there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."  As he was
finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right
behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other
half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in
a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of it.  You think on your feet and we like that around
here.  Where are you from, son?"

The boy replied, "Manchester, sir."

"Oh, really?  And why did you leave Manchester?" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "Argh, they're all just whores and footy players up there."

"Uh-huh.  Well, my wife is from Manchester." said the Boss.

The lad replied, "Really!  What team did she play for?"

     And to finish off this week - some more crappy chat-up lines and
     come-backs (these ones gleaned from our sister list out west):

                    Great Female Comebacks

Man:   "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes ... I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man:   "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah ... that's why I don't go there any more."

Man:    "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes - and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man:   "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know.  Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man:   "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both.  You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man:   "I'd like to call you.  What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man:   "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's okay - it's in the phone book too."

Man:    "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman:  "I'm a female impersonator."

Man:   "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man:   "Hey, babe - what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."

Man:   "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilised."

Man:   "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the
        same reason"
Woman: "Yeah!  Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man:   "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man:   "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man:   "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man:   "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh ... you're _so_ right.  I want you to leave."

Man:   "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy"
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man:   "Hey babe - how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man:   "Your body is like a *temple*."
Woman: "Sorry - there are no services today."

Man:   "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good!  Let's start with your bank account."

Man:   "I'd go to the end of the earth for you!"
Woman: "Yes, but would you *stay* there?"
[ End Friday humour ]

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