Friday humour - October 22, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi again,
Still digging back and valiantly (desperately?) trying to catch up with
all the material which has flowed in over the last few months.  First up
this week - one from our infamous "list out west" (another of our sites):
           -----------------------------------------------------


                            The Old Lady
                            ------------

An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on the front porch of
her house, when all of a sudden, her fairy godmother appeared.  The fairy
godmother informed the old woman that she would be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

POOF!!! Her rocking chair and house turn to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

POOF!!! She turns into a beautiful, young woman.

"And what would you like for your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then, the old woman's cat wanders across the porch.

"Ooh, can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF!!! There before her stands a young man, more handsome than she could
possibly imagine. she stares at him, completely smitten by his looks.

With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and
whispers in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
         ------------------------------------------------


      Now a short one from Lachlan by the Canal at Daresbury (UK) ...
                        ------------------------

                The Difference between men and women

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.  A woman is driving
down the same road.  As they pass each other, the woman leans out the
window and yells: "PIG"!!

The man immediately leans out his window and replies: "BITCH"!!

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he
slams into a pig in the middle of the road.
         ------------------------------------------------


     And another from "Wa-a-ay out West" (smut filters on, guys) ...
                         ----------------

So there's this young couple, Louise & Al, they've been married for about
a year, and the bride isn't getting enough (any) sex.  Just about every
night hubby comes home, has a shower, gets changed and goes down the
pub.  She's getting increasingly rampant and the days go on, but each
night she is disappointed.  Al comes home every night completely
spannered and unfit for any sexual activity.

One particular night when Al gets in from work, Louise is seated
provocatively on the sofa, wearing the most skimpy dress she has,
suspenders, stockings, and very sexy lace knickers & bra.  As is always
the case, Al runs upstairs, gets ready and goes down the pub.  Once
again, Louise is rejected, so she sits back with a bottle of wine to
console herself.

Then at 10:15 (well before normal) she hears Al coming up the driveway
and opening the front door.  Lou re-adopts her sexually provocative pose
on the sofa, and to her surprise, Als first words are "right woman, get
upstairs - into the bedroom".

YES!" she says under her breath as she runs upstairs, "This *IS* the
night, I'm gonna get my oats!"

When Lou reaches the bedroom, she removes her outer garments and sits on
the edge of the bed in her black lace undies - ready for Al, as he stomps
up the stairs.  As Al pushes the bedroom door open he says "right, now
get your kit off!".  Louise doesn't need telling twice, it's off in a trice.

"Now get over in front of the mirror..", 'kinky' she thinks 'great!',
"..and do a handstand..", 'oh god, I've been waiting for this for ages'
thinks Lou..

Al walks over to Lou, parts her legs and places his chin in her crotch...

"Perhaps the blokes were right, a beard wouldn't suit me..!"
   ----------------------------------------------------------------


        Now an interesting little story passed on by Nicki Agron-O:
                        --------------------

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo.  During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was cancelled.  A single
agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.  Suddenly,
an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket
down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to
be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
reverberating around the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate
WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his identity,
please come to gate 17."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "F--- you." Without
flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand
in line for that, too."
   ------------------------------------------------------------------


  And another that got lost under the pile - this time from Linda Ottery:
                         ---------------------


                              Anagrams
                              --------

[ Anagram: created by taking a word or set of words and rearranging the
  letters to make a different word or set of words ].

Dormitory = Dirty Room

Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Desperation = A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code = Here Come Dots

Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity = Is No Amity

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness = Genuine Class

Semolina = Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Contradiction = Accord not in it

 This one's awesome:
[From Hamlet by Shakespeare]
To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler
in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune  =

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

Politics:
George Herbert Walker Bush = Huge Berserk Rebel Warthog

George Bush = He bugs Gore

Ronald Wilson Reagan = A long-insane Warlord

Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Leroy Newton Gingrich = Yon Right-winger Clone

Margaret Thatcher = That great charmer

The Conservative Party = Teacher in vast poverty

And the grand finale:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
--Neil A. Armstrong  =
A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on
moon! On to Mars!
   ------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now - following on from the barrel of bricks accident report, this
    one was forwarded on by David (still contracting over at Telecom):
                      --------------------------

                   Accidents Happen -  The Sequel

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 4321
Minnetonka, MN  98765

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
PO Box 6789
New York, NY 12345

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more
detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist
Hospital.  Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block
21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit).  On the original
form, I put ``Stupidity''.  I realise now that this answer was somewhat
vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalisation.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to
eat at the local burger joint.  I entered the bathroom, took care of my
business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my
trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such
places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I
immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to its
normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain parts of my body,
which were still exposed, were trapped between the device's lid and its
main body.  Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to jump
back.  It quickly came to my attention that, when one's privates are
firmly attached to an immovable object, it is not a good idea to jump in
the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to reopen the lid.
However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to allow the locking
mechanism to engage.  I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them.  I intended to try to force the
lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in the lock.
Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique position became a minor
concern, and I began to call for help in as much of a calm and rational
manner as I could.  An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and
decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the store
manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly.  She attempted to unlock the device
with her keys.  Since I had broken my key off in the device, she could
not get her key in.  Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as
indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along with two police
officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel 4 ``On-the-Spot'' news
team.  The guys from the fire department quickly took charge as this was
obviously a rescue operation.  The senior member of the team discovered
that the device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could
only be reached once the device was unlocked. (His discovery was by means
of tearing apart the device located in the stall next to the one that I
was in.)

Since the value of the property destroyed in his examination was less
than $50 (my deductable) I did not include it in my claim.  His partner,
who seemed like an intelligent fellow at the time, came up with the idea
of cutting the device from the wall with the propane torch that was in
the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch, and commenced to
attempt to cut the device from the wall.  Had I been in a state to think
of such things, I might have realised that in cutting the device from the
wall several things would also inevitably happen.  First, the air inside
of the device would quickly heat up, causing items inside the device to
suffer the same effects that are normally achieved by placing things in
an oven.  Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of heat
causing items that are in contact with the device to react as if thrown
into a hot skillet.  And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of
the device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it did manage to cut,
in the brief time that I allowed them to use it, a hole big enough for a
small pry bar to be placed inside of the device.  The EMS team then loaded
me, along with the device, into the waiting ambulance as stated on your
form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was unable to give a full
explanation of these events, and thus used the word which I thought best
described my actions that led to my hospitalisation.

Sincerely,

S. Anderson
    ---------------------------------------------------------------


     And finally, a true story which was just passed on by Mick Rand
     (brother of David), over in the good ol' UK:
                       --------------------

This is a true story that happened to me in 1967 whilst I was at College.

I commuted to college each day and after a year I had the timing down to
a 'tee'.  I very seldom missed a connection.

This particular day, however, I did miss my main connection at Waterloo
Station, London on my way home.  I decided to have a coffee in the buffet
on the station.  It was mid-winter and I had a great coat on, gloves, and
I was carrying a large hold-all full of books.

At the counter I bought a coffee and a Kit Kat (I hope you know that that
is a chocolate bar comprising of four fingers of wafer biscuit, covered
in chocolate).  [Yes, Mick - we have 'em here: Ed]

I took my glove off and held it between my teeth as I paid for the snack.
Struggling to a table I sat opposite another man, on a two-seater table.
I put down all of my bits and pieces.

Quite settled, I picked up the Kit Kat, undid the wrapper and snapped off
one finger of biscuit.  The chap opposite looked me straight in the face,
snapped off a second finger of biscuit and eats it.

Well, being British, stiff upper lip, and all that I grabbed the final
two pieces forced them into my mouth, slurped down the coffee, collected
together my bits and pieces and made ready to leave.  At that point I
noticed he had a 'Walnut whip' (a cone of marshmallow, covered in
chocolate, with a half walnut on top) in front of him.

I couldn't resist.  I prised the walnut from the top, popped it in my
mouth gave the chap a two-fingered salute and left the buffet.

I eventually got onto my train and sat down to study.  I opened my
hold-all and there on top was ... my Kit Kat, (Shit - I went red!).
    ----------------------------------------------------------------

    (Shades of Hancock in that one, Mick ... ! :-)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




 Previous (October 15, 1998)  Index Next (October 29, 1998)