Friday humour - October 15, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi y'all,
First up this week, a few more one-liners.  I've forgotten who contributed
this particular collection because they arrived on paper, and I scanned
them in without making a note of the contributor's name.  Anyway, enjoy:
                    --------------------------

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going?  And what's with this hand basket?

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "s" in it?
       --------------------------------------------------------


   Next one was passed on by both David McCallum & Russell Newnham:
                    -------------------------

The story behind the letter below is that there is this loony in Newport,
RI, named Scott Williams who digs things out of his backyard and sends
the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labelling them with
scientific names, insisting that they are actual archaeological finds.
This bloke really exists and does this in his spare time!

Anyway .... here's the actual response from the Smithsonian Institution.

                            #  #  #  #  #

 Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078

   Dear Mr. Williams,

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labelled "93211-D,
layer seven, next to the clothesline post... Hominid skull."

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and
regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents
conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two
million years ago.  Rather, it appears that what you have found is the
head of a Barbie doll, of the variety that one of our staff, who has
small children, believes to be  "Malibu Barbie".  It is evident that you
have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and
you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your
prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your
findings.  However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern
origin:

1. The material is moulded plastic.  Ancient hominid remains are
typically fossilised bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimetres,
   well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-homonids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the
   common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene
   clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.

This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses
you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the
evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it.  Without going into
too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has
chewed on.

B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request
to have the specimen carbon-dated.  This is partially due to the heavy
load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to
carbon-dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geological
record.  To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced
prior to 1956 AD, and carbon-dating is likely to produce wildly
inaccurate results.

Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National
Science Foundation Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino.  Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your
proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name
you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be
Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating
specimen to the Museum.  While it is undoubtedly not a Hominid fossil, it
is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work
you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.  You should know that our
Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display
of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and
the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in
your digs at the site you have discovered in your Newport back yard.

We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed
in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay
for it.  We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous metal
in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus
Rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a
rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,


Harvey Rowe
Chief Curator-Antiquities
      ---------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - now it's time for the inevitable ... the President Clinton
    Collection! :-)

    The first (short) one is from Dave over at the (ex) Elevator factory:
                      ----------------------

Bill Clinton was in court and the judge asked him "Did you ask Monica
Lewinsky to lie for you?"

Bill Clinton looked at the judge, and said "No, but I might have asked
her to arch her back a bit."
                       # # # # # # # # #


   Next one's from Caroline at Monash (Caulfield), passed on by Jean:
                         ----------------


Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House.
Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up.  "Bill, Bill
wake up."

Bill stays sleeping.  Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up."

Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?"

Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom."

To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me
you have to go to the bathroom."

Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
                       # # # # # # # # #


     And one from Russell Newnham ...
               -----------

AAP - Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released shortly after President
Clinton's initial firm denial, said:

"I have had enough.  This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my
mouth, and I can't stomach any more.  I feel as if I am getting the
shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am
at my best.  I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is
coming.  I will meet the challenge the only way I know how head on.  I
have licked bigger things than this before, and I will do so again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher,
that she quit before the job was done.  I will work non-stop and fight
this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair.  I will
not be stained by it."

"Thank you."
             Monica Lewinsky
                       # # # # # # # # #


    And this weeks final contender, forwarded by Mike Horne:
                     -----------------------

Headline (in "The Sampson Independent", Clinton, North Carolina, 27/8/98)

   ===============================

   BONNIE BLOWS CLINTON

   * Power being restored as city cleans up following hurricane.

   .......

   ....

   ===============================

Postscript: As soon as this newspaper hit the streets, the newspaper
employees were out gathering them back up to try to reduce the damage
(and their blushing faces).  They didn't get them all.
    --------------------------------------------------------------


    Okay - enough Clinton jokes.   Now it's time for another one from
    John over at the remains of the Museum of Victoria ...
                      ------------------------


              YEAR 2000 COMPUTER PROBLEMS SOLVED

Corporate has defined a lower cost alternative for Desktop conversions
that also addresses the Y2K (Year 2000) issue.  The goal is to REMOVE all
computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.  Instead, everyone will be
provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1.   No Y2K problems

2.   No technical glitches, keeping work from being done.

3.   No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

4.   Substantial hardware cost savings.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over
     the screen.  What do I do?
A:   Pick it up and shake it

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What's the shortcut for Undo?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same colour?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A:   Don't shake it.
    --------------------------------------------------------------


     This next little story was passed on by an acquaintance of mine (Tom):
                          -----------------

This guy is not getting along so well with his wife and thinks maybe he'd
like to have a pet he can get along with.  So, he goes to a pet shop in
search of a friend.  After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a
little perch.  It doesn't have any feet or legs.  The guy says out loud,
"Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually
understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent,
thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch
without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you
asked I'll tell you.  I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden
bar, kind of like a little hook.  You can't see it cause of my feathers."

"Wow," says guy, "you really can understand and answer, can't you?"

"Of course.  I speak both Spanish and English.  I can converse with
competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics,
philosophy ... and I am especially good at ornithology.
You ought to buy me.  I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the price tag. "$200!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing.
"Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet.  You can get me for $20
just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.  Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.  He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great
pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice.  The guy
is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and
motions him over with one wing.

The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What??!!" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the postman came to the door today your
wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the postman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and
began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look
at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down ..."

The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"I don't know," says the parrot, "I fell off my perch."
    --------------------------------------------------------------


   And to finish off this week - another one of those cute little stories
   that occasionally (and all too infrequently) turn up.  Recently passed
   on by Jean, who got it from Eric, who got it from a friend, who ...
                        --------------------


                     Let there be Dogs and Cats
                     --------------------------

It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was
discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls.  If authentic, it would shed light on
the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
everyday.  Now I do not see you any more.  I am lonesome here and it is
difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem!  I will create a companion for you that will
be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so
that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.  Regardless
of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.  And it was a
good animal.  And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for
this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a
reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own
name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.  And
Adam was comforted.  And God was pleased.  And Dog was content and wagged
his tail.

After a while, it come to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the
Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.  He struts and
preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration.  Dog has
indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility.

And the Lord said, " No problem!  I will create for him a companion who
will be with him forever and who will see him as he is.  The companion
will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always
worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam.  And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the
supreme being.  And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased.  And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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[ End fri humour]




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