Friday humour - October 09, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Sorry to miss last week.  (Rudi Pillig's suggestion re the reason was:
'(Perhaps) Election Time is no laughing matter!??')   Well, no, Rudi - I
just took the day off and went for a nice bike ride at Geelong!

I've had quite a few good jokes forwarded on during the past fortnight,
but let's start off by digging back to one which one I collected last
March - from that infamous "List out West".  It's another of those that's
been "waiting in the wings" for quite a while:

                           PICKUP LINES

For those without a date or a black eye:

        *** Warning these are not likely to be successful ***
           *** Warning may offend some of our audience ***
           *** (especially the sickly, nauseating ones) ***

Pardon me, Miss - I seem to have lost my 'phone number.  Could I borrow

Make a calling card that says: " Smile if you want to sleep with me!"
Then watch your victim try to hold back her smile ...

Stand back, I'm a doctor!  You - go and get an ambulance quickly - I'll
loosen her clothes!!

That dress looks nice... Of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in
the corner of my room.

Your name is Sandra, huh?  Can I call you Sandy?   Really, what time?

Do you have any Italian in you?  (No)  Well, would you like some?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
(No)   Well ... you want to go somewhere and talk?

Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

She: (to passing man) Do you have the time?
Him: Do you have the energy?

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.)
Him: I like nothing better.

I'm really sorry about Al.  It was a lovely funeral.  You look ravishing
in black, did you know that?  What you need now is a nice backrub.  Are
the straps too tight darling? How tragic.  How very, very tragic.

Excuse me, is that dress felt?  Would you like it to be?

I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.

   Next, a sample of a few received (indirectly) from Lachlan by the canal:

Q.  What do you get when you cross a nun with a PC?
A.  A computer that will never go down on you.

Q.  Why does an elephant have four feet?
A.  Because six inches isn't long enough.

Q.  How do you make a dog drink?
A.  Put it in a blender.

Q.  Why aren't blondes good cattle herder's?
A.  Because they can't keep their calves together.

Q:  What do you call a fish without an eye ?
A:  Fsh.

   Now for three from Nicky A-O (and Nicky - just in case you're wondering,
   these are a sample from a collection you forwarded on back in June):

                           ACTUAL BUSINESS SIGNS

On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."

On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"

On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome.  Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car

Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary.  We'll hear you coming."

Outside a Hotel: "Help!  We need inn-experienced people."

In a Dry Cleaner's: "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd
one just left."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes.  Sit!  Stay!"

On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"

On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."

In a Restaurant window:  "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."

Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet.  We need to hear a pin drop."

On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory.  Growing wise is

     Next one's quite topical (also forwarded by David McCallum):

John Howard goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.  After
dinner, Bill says to John:  "Well John, I don't know what you think of
the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks John.

"Simple!", says Bill.  "They all have to take special tests before they
 can be a minister.  Wait a second ...".

Bill calls Madeleine Albright over, and says:  "Tell me, Madeleine - who
is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother
and not your sister?"

"Ah - that's simple Mr. President!", says Madeleine, "It's me!"

"Well done, Madeleine!", says Clinton.

John Howard was very impressed.  He returned to Canberra wondering about
the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.

He called in Tim Fisher, saying:  "Tim, tell me - who is the child of
your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your

Tim thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.

"Can I think about it a bit further, John?  May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Okay", says Howard, "but you've only got 24 hours."

Tim Fisher goes away, thinking as hard as he can.  He calls in his team,
but no-one knows the answer.  Twenty hours later, Tim is very worried -
still no answer and only four hours to go.

Eventually Tim Fisher thinks "I'll ask Peter Costello - he's clever;
he'll know the answer."

So he calls Costello.  "Peter", he says, "tell me who is the child of your
father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Simple!", says Peter, "That would be me!"

"Of course ..." thinks Tim, so he quickly hangs up and calls Howard.

"John", says Tim breathlessly, "I've got the answer: it's Peter Costello".

"Argh - you idiot!", says Howard, " ... it's Madeleine Albright".

           And the last of Nicki's June contribution ...


Scotch College:  Two - one to call the electrician and one to call daddy
                 to pay the bill

Wesley College: Two - one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician

Kildara:  Eleven - one to change the light globe and ten to share the

Melbourne Grammar:  Two - One to change the light globe and one to crack
                    under the pressure

Melbourne High:  Only one, but he gets six credits for it!

Uni High:  Seventy-six - one to change the light globe, fifty to protest
           the light globe's right to not change, and twenty-five to hold
           a counter protest

Mount Scopus:  None ... Burwood Haven looks better in the dark

M.L.C:         One - she holds the globe and the world revolves around her

Carey:  Five - one to design a nuclear powered one that never needs
        changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of Melbourne
        using that nuked light globe, two to install it, and one to write
        the computer program that controls the wall switch

MacRob:  Eleven - one to screw it in and ten to support its sexual

Balwyn High:  Three - one to change it and two to figure out how to
              get high off the old one.

Melbourne Uni:  Four - one to change it, one to call Parliament about
                their progress, and two to throw the old globe at the
                Monash students

Camberwell High:  Two - one to change the globe and the other to say loudly
                  how she did it as well as a private school student

College of the Arts:  Five- one to change the globe and four to do an
                      interpretive dance about it

De La Salle:  None - they're all too drunk to notice

Sienna:  One - but you would never know about it because only M.L.C and
         P.L.C get publicity for changing their light globes.

     To finish up this week - one more from the list out west.  It's more
     of a short story than a joke.  Some of you may find it a bit mushy,
     but I thought it was really great.  Enjoy:

  John Blanchard stood up from the bench, straightened his Army uniform
and studied the crowd of people making their way through Grand Central
Station.  He looked for the girl whose heart he knew, but whose face he
didn't, the girl with the rose.  His interest in her had begun thirteen
months before in a Florida library.  Taking a book off the shelf he found
himself intrigued, not with the words of the book, but with the notes
penciled in the margin.  The soft hand writing reflected a thoughtful soul
and insightful mind.

In the front of the book, he discovered the previous owner's name, Miss
Hollis Maynell.  With time and effort he located her address.  She lived
in New York City.  He wrote her a letter introducing himself and inviting
her to correspond.  The next day he was shipped overseas for service in
World War II.

During the next year and one month the two grew to know each other
through the mail.  Each letter was a seed falling on a fertile heart.  A
romance was budding.  Blanchard requested a photograph, but she refused.
She felt that if he really cared, it wouldn't matter what she looked like.

When the day finally came for him to return from Europe, they scheduled
their first meeting - 7:00 PM at the Grand Central Station in New York.
"You'll recognise me," she wrote, "by the red rose I'll be wearing on my

So at 7:00 he was in the station looking for a girl whose heart he loved,
but whose face he'd never seen.  I'll let Mr. Blanchard tell you what

A young woman was coming toward me, her figure long and slim.  Her blonde
hair lay back in curls from her delicate ears; her eyes were blue as
flowers.  Her lips and chin had a gentle firmness, and in her pale green
suit she was like springtime come alive.

I started toward her, entirely forgetting to notice that she was not
wearing a rose.  As I moved, a small, provocative smile curved her
lips.  "Going my way, sailor?" she murmured.

Almost uncontrollably I made one step closer to her, and then I saw
Hollis Maynell.  She was standing almost directly behind the girl.  A
woman well past 40, she had graying hair tucked under a worn hat..  She
was more than plump, her thick-ankled feet thrust into low-heeled shoes.

The girl in the green suit was walking quickly away.  I felt as though I
was split in two, so keen was my desire to follow her, and yet so deep
was my longing for the woman whose spirit had truly companioned me and
upheld my own.  And there she stood.  Her pale, plump face was gentle and
sensible, her gray eyes had a warm and kindly twinkle.  I did not
hesitate.  My fingers gripped the small worn blue leather copy of the book
that was to identify me to her.

This would not be love, but it would be something precious, something
perhaps even better than love, a friendship for which I had been and must
ever be grateful.

I squared my shoulders and saluted and held out the book to the woman,
even though while I spoke I felt choked by the bitterness of my

"I'm Lieutenant John Blanchard, and you must be Miss Maynell.  I am so
glad you could meet me; may I take you to dinner?" The woman's face
broadened into a tolerant smile.  "I don't know what this is about, son,"
she answered, "but the young lady in the green suit who just went by, she
begged me to wear this rose on my coat.  And she said if you were to ask
me out to dinner, I should go and tell you that she is waiting for you in
the big restaurant across the street.  She said it was some kind of test!"

It's not difficult to understand and admire Miss Maynell's wisdom.  The
true nature of a heart is seen in its response to the unattractive. "Tell
me whom you love," Houssaye wrote, "And I will tell you who you are."
[End Fri humour]

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