Friday humour - September 24, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
Last weeks collection generated some interesting comments - a few thought
it was quite "smutty"; others thought it was "particularly good".  Well,
it's just a random cross-section of what you guys send in, and I don't
particularly want my "taste" to have too much effect on things one way or
the other.  I just wish I had time these days to follow news groups such
as "rec.humour" and some of the other great lists, but I just can't seem
to manage it.  So - keep the great stuff coming.

The first contribution this week was forwarded on by Jenny Chong over at
the Elevator factory (back in April, before most of them finished up).
It's an oldie but a goodie (quite appropriate for OH&S week):
                         -------------------------

   This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
   newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
   Board.   It's a true story.

 Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form.  I put "Poor Planning" as the
cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work,
I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found
to weigh 240 lbs.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided
to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the
side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of
bricks.  You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is
135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.  In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at
an equally impressive speed.  This explains the fractured skull, minor
abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the
Accident Reporting Form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I
mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.  Fortunately, by this
time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to
experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you
again to my weight.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the
building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here, however, my luck began to change slightly.  The latest encounter
with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries as I
contacted the pile of bricks on the ground, and fortunately, only three
vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,
I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.
I then lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back to me.

When I regained consciousness some two hours later, I found myself here
in the Emergency Ward of Western General.

I trust that this additional detail is sufficient for your needs,

   Yours Faithfully,

     .....
     -------------------------------------------------------------------


    Next - a couple passed on by Ian Madsen.  The first one follows on
    from our previously published "Medical Dictionary" from the deep
    south.  These one's are from the Irish equivalent:
                       ---------------

                  IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

 Bacteria         -       Back door of cafeteria
 Bowel            -       A letter like a e i o u
 Coma             -       A punctuation mark
 Enema            -       Not a friend
 Fester           -       Quicker
 Morbid           -       A higher offer
 Nitrates         -       Cheaper than day rates
 Node             -       Was aware of
 Pelvis           -       A cousin of Elvis
 Recovery Room    -       Place to do upholstery
 Secretion        -       Hiding something
 Seizure          -       Roman Emperor
 Tablet           -       A small table
 Terminal Illness -       Getting sick at the airport
 Tumour           -       More than one
 Vein             -       Conceited
                     ---------------------


      ... and another (this one via Ian's sister):
              ----------------

While we know water to be essential for life on Earth, we can only
presume it to be a prerequisite for life elsewhere in the galaxy.

Among the chemically illiterate, however, water is a deadly substance to
be avoided.  A clever science-fair experiment that tested anti-technology
sentiments and associated chemical phobias was conducted in 1997 by
Nathan Zohner, a fourteen-year-old student at Eagle Rock Junior High
School in Idaho.

He invited people to sign a petition that demanded either strict control
of, or a total ban on, dihydrogen monoxide.  He listed some of the odious
properties of this colourless and odourless substance:

*  It is a major component in acid rain.

*  It eventually dissolves almost anything it comes in contact with.

*  It can kill if accidentally inhaled.

*  It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state.

*  It has been found in tumours of terminal cancer patients.

Forty-three out of fifty people approached by Zohner signed the petition,
six were undecided, and one was a great supporter of dihydrogen monoxide
and refused to sign.  Yes, 86 percent of the those passing by voted to
ban water (H2O) from the environment.

Maybe that's what really happened to the water on Mars?
   -------------------------------------------------------------------


     And on the subject of water ... this one was just forwarded on by
     Ilse Middleton (it originally came from NZ):
                     --------------------

    To the tune of Waltzing Matilda:

Once a dying dingo barfed into a Billabong
That Billabong fed a wild, gushing stream
And the stream led to a river that topped up Sydney's Reservoir
Turned all the water to a deep shade of green

(Chorus)
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water in Sydney - It's true
that the echo you hear when you phone your Sydney-sider friends
is caused by the fact that they're all in the Loo.

Not so very long ago our Aussie Cousins laughed at us
"Poor powerless Auckland' - Supply cables torn
But at least, in the twilight we could brush our toothy-pegs
Without running risk of a "Technicolour Yawn"

(Chorus)
Don't drink the water -
Don't drink the water -
Drink Aussie beer - (though you know its 'the pits')
Yes - it tastes a little odd when your salads tossed in Castlemaine
but, then again, you don't get a dose of the shits

I've heard Olympic bureaucrats all saying that the Games are safe.
That the drinking water will be clean and pure and bright.
(But the Homebush Athletes Village isn't taking any chances, though -
Nine thousand extra Dunnies have been ordered for the Site)

(Chorus)
It's all a Big Scam !
Guaranteed 'Gold-Medal-Plan'
Aussie's Secret Weapon - When the Sprinters hear the gun.
They're all so used to dashing from one toilet to another now -
They're clocking New World Records for the 100 Metre's Run.
    --------------------------------------------------------------------


    Now - time for another little story from "that list out west":
                      ----------------

A young boy goes off to university, but about 1/3 way through the first
semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"  Then he gets an
idea.  He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are
coming up with!  Why, they actually have a program here that will teach
Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says.  "How do I get him in
that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into
the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.  So the boy calls
his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't
believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to
READ!"

"READ!?"  says his father, "That's amazing!  What do I have to do to get
him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."  So his father sends the
money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem.  When he gets home,
his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read.  So he
shoots the dog.  When he gets home, his father is all excited.  "Where's
Fido?  I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.  This morning when I got out
of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner
and reading the morning paper, like he usually does.  Then he turned to
me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin'' around with that little
redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "I hope you SHOT that lyin' son-of-a-bitch!"
     ----------------------------------------------------------------


      And now to a little collection of "Engineering" humour, recently
      forwarded on by Nicki A-O:
                            -------------------

Q: What's the difference between Electronic Engineers and Civil Engineers?

A: Electronic Engineers build weapon systems, Civil Engineers build targets.
                                 ##########

     Allegedly true story:

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical.  After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he
happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines.  They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine
to work but to no avail.  In desperation, they called on the retired
engineer.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge.  He spent a day studying the
huge machine.  At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on
a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your
problem is".  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly
again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his
services.  They demanded an itemised accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded:

Item 1            One chalk mark                       $1
Item 2            Knowing where to put it         $49,999

It was paid in full.
    ##########

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Want fries with that?"
    ##########

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer.  Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electronic engineer.  The nervous system has
many billions of electrical connections."

The last said, "It had to be a civil engineer.  Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
    ##########

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was
better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid
foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion
and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they asked.

The engineer replied, "Yeah.  If you have a wife and a mistress, they will
each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and so you can
go to the lab and get some real work done."
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


     This final contribution is from a collection forwarded on by Lars -
     one our contractors.  Many of these go "way back", and as such,
     they're variously sexist, racist, and just about every other "-ist"
     you can think of.  So if you're not impressed by this type of
     humour, perhaps hit the "Del" key now ...
                            --------------

Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: Why do the Irish call their basic currency the Punt?
A: Because it rhymes with Bank Manager.

Q: Why do New Zealand race horses run so fast?
A: They heard about what happened to the sheep.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks
   whining.

The lovely young blonde was learning to swim and was being held
afloat by a raunchy swimming instructor.
"Will I really sink if you take your finger out?", she asked.

When a Transport Policeman saw a young couple screwing away in the late
night tram compartment, he used his radio to notify the police, who
boarded soon after.  The girl was let off with a warning, but her
boyfriend was charged with mounting and dismounting while the tram was in
motion, and for having a first class ride while holding a second class
ticket.

The young guy was not proud of his small penis and was very shy about
it.  When he took his new girlfriend to bed for the first time he
insisted that they turn out the lights.  In the darkness, he put his
erection in her hand.  "No thank you", she said, "I don't smoke."

What's the difference between Hard and Light?
You can go to sleep with a light on.

The drunk staggered up the driveway of his home, where his son was
working under the bonnet of his car. "What's wrong, son?", he asked.
"Piston broke", came the reply.  "So am I", muttered his father as he
stumbled off.

Mick:  My dog's called Carpenter.  He's always doing little jobs
around the house.
Phil:  I call my dog Mechanic.  I give him a kick in the nuts and
he makes a bolt for the door.

Q: How can we solve the world's problems?
A: Get the hungry to eat the homeless.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather; Kinky is when you use the whole
   chicken.

Q: What is the difference between a wanker and a banker?
A: A wanker knows what he's doing.

Advice for the man who wants excitement in his sex life:
Try "Rodeo Screwing": Mount your wife/girlfriend from behind and whisper,
"This is how I do it with your sister", and try to stay on for eight seconds.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Two men drive into a car-wash.  Which one is the Irishman?
A: The one on the motorbike.

Q: What's the definition of 'making love'?
A: It's what a woman does while a man's screwing her.

Q: What's the difference between a man with a mid life crisis and a
   circus clown?
A: A circus clown knows he's wearing funny clothes.

Did you read Salman Rushdie's new book?
It's called, "Hey Buddha, you big fat git!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




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