Friday humour - September 18, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
Just before we get into some humour, an idiotorial correction to last
weeks opening comment (re Martha's departure), where I attributed her
loss to "Clayton site Library rationalisations".  The true situation is
that Martha is a member of the central CSIRO Info Management group, and
*that* is where the down-sizing occurred - NOT in any of our Divisional
Libraries.

So - to humour.  No particular trend this week - everything from the
semi-intellectual to the warped to the disgustingly lewd ... ("so what's
new", I hear you say :-).

First up - one that was forwarded on by Neill Jonker over at CSIRO
Tropical Agriculture (St Lucia, Qld):
                    -----------------------------

Between moments of dispensing wisdom, it seems that historical religious
leaders had also learned software programming.   One day, a great
contest was held to test their skills.  After days and days of fierce
competition, only two leaders remained for the last day's event: Jesus
and Mohammed.

The judge described the software application required for the final test,
and gave the signal to start writing code.

The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards.  Routines,
Classes, Applett's and applications flew by on their screens at
incredible speeds.  Windows, dialogues, and other intricate graphics
began forming on their monitors.

The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.

Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed, and the power went out.

After a moment it came back on -- just in time for the clock to announce
that at last the competition was over.

The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software.

Mohammed angrily said that he'd lost it all in the power outage.  The
judge turned to the other competitor.

Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his
screen.  After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and
declared Jesus the victor.

When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique
characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:

        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v
        v

Jesus saves!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------


      Yeh, okay, I know.  Now, one from the list out west (and if you
      thought that first one was bad ....):
                         --------------------

The only survivors of an airplane crash were five men and one woman.
They made it ashore to a small deserted uncharted tropical island.
They found breadfruit, coconuts, bananas, a freshwater lagoon with fish.
There was bamboo, palm fronds and vines.  The six set about to make a life
for themselves.  They built huts, wove mats, ate well, and formed a
working compact amongst each other.  After several months of wonderful
cooperation, one evening after dinner, the subject got around to sex.
Nobody was getting any, and everybody missed it.

The woman said she was used to getting all the sex she wanted, and she
wanted plenty of it back home.  She liked all of the men, and didn't want
to play favourites, but she refused to be the Island Prostitute.  She
suggested that each man in turn "marry her" for a week at a time.  She
would only have sex with her "husband of the week."

The men discussed it, and decided that would be a workable arrangement.
The arrangement succeeded far beyond their wildest dreams.  Over the five
years the men rotated, there were virtually no problems of any sort.
They rebuilt their huts into quite plush island lodges.  They built
wooden fish traps.  They found fruits and small animals to supplement
their diet.  Life was good.  Even their sex lives were satisfactory, the
men would admit.  They didn't get enough over all, but during THEIR week,
it was spectacular.

The woman was insatiable.  She was an inventive lover who would do almost
anything sexual.  The woman thought this was a most wonderful
arrangement.  Finally, all the sex she could ever want, without being
stuck with one boring man!

But then, tragedy befell the small outpost.  The woman fell ill, and
eventually she died.

The first week was terribly sad.

The second week was bad.

The third week was awful.

The fourth week was impossible.

The fifth week was unbearable.

The sixth week, they finally had to bury her.
    --------------------------------------------------------------


    And yep, just in case you haven't already guessed, this is bad-taste
    week for humour!  Here's another (from Dave at Elevators):
                        ------------------

A penguin is taking a road trip when his car suddenly breaks down.
Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic.
So, he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look.
The mechanic tells him that it will probably take a little while to find
the problem and asks him to come back in an hour.

The penguin goes over to the supermarket and buys some frozen fish and
some vanilla ice cream for lunch and spends the rest of the hour hanging
out in the frozen foods section.  After the hour is up, he waddles back
over to the mechanic's shop.  Seeing him coming, the mechanic walks over,
and wiping his hands on a rag, says, "Looks like you've blown a seal."

The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with his flipper and says, "No, it's
just vanilla ice-cream."
     --------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay, let's move briefly onto something with a trace of intellectual
     appeal - some oxymorons forwarded on by David over at Telstra:
                          ---------------------

Oxymoron: n
    from the Greek for "pointedly foolish"

absolute possibility
average genius
brief eternity
brilliant darkness
cheerful pessimist
cherished enemy
creative plagiarism
cruel kindness
deafening silence
dreadful enchantment
eloquent silence
enchanting bore
forgotten memories
genuine lie
guaranteed possibility
honest crook
infinite moment
little giant
normal aberration
overt deception
perfect flaw
sickly sweet
sweet sorrow
terribly pleased
thunderous calm
tragic comedy
truly false
unusual routine
vigorous laziness
wise fool
zipped open

   and, of course . . .

creative accounting
and
military intelligence!
    --------------------------------------------------------------------


       This next contribution was forwarded on by Ilse Middleton:
                          ---------------

                              THESIS
        Engineers and Scientists can _never_ make as much money as
                         Business Executives.

    PROOF
    -----

LEMMA 1:
  Knowledge is Power.

LEMMA 2:
  Time is Money.

PROOF:
  As every engineer and scientist knows,

    Work
    ------    =    Power
    Time

  Since:    Knowledge  =  Power,
            Time  =  Money

  we have:

    Work
    ------   =    Knowledge
    Money

  Solving for Money gives:

    Work
    ------   =   Money
    Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless
of the Work done.  Other implications for Retraining and Redundancy also
exist.

CONCLUSION:
             The less you know, the more money you make.
     ---------------------------------------------------------------


      Next, another of those from the list out west.  I've got a vague
      feeling that I've already sent it (although I can't find it in my
      "sent-mail" archive, so perhaps not ...)
                          -------------------

A beautiful woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around her
luscious form, and tells her husband that he can get in the shower.
As he gets in, the door-bell rings.

The girl says she'll answer it, and goes downstairs.  When she opens the
door, she sees her neighbour - Bill.

His jaw drops open at the sight of her.  He promptly pulls out two $100
bills and tells her that they are hers if she will just let the towel
fall to her waist.

She pauses, then thinks to herself, "Arr, heck - why not?"  So she drops
the towel halfway down, holds out her hand with a slight smile, and takes
the money.

Bill is still gasping at the sight.  He quickly fumbles around in his
pocket and pulls out two more $100's and offers these to her if she
will _only_ drop the towel altogether.

She thinks, "Oh what??"  And then, "Ah well ... I suppose I've already
gone this far .... why not?"

So she drops the towel to the floor.

Bill stares, looks her up and down, then thanks her.  He hands over the
two $100 bills, looks for a few more seconds, and finally leaves.

By the time she gets back upstairs, her husband has finished his shower
and is drying off.  He looks up and asks her who was at the door.  She
says, "Just Bill."

The husband replies, "Ah!  Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?
      -------------------------------------------------------------


      Finally, one that was forwarded on some time back by Greg Short.
      It's one of those for which I never did quite gather up sufficient
      courage to send to the whole site :-)
                         --------------------

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at veterinarian's.  One of
the dogs was hanging its head and sighing.  The second dog turned to him
and asked, "What are you in here for, mate ?"

The first dog looked depressed. "I'm in big trouble", he said, "My owner
has a really nice sports car with leather seats.  I just love to go for
rides in it.  Well, the other day, he took me for a ride and I was so
excited, I pissed on the seats.  Now he's having me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel", said the second dog. "My owners have a beautiful,
expensive oriental rug.  The other day they were late getting home from
work and I just couldn't help myself.  I crapped all over their nice
carpet and ruined it.  They're having me put to sleep too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. "So what are you
in here for?" they asked.

Well," said the third dog, "My owner is a stunning model and she likes to
do her housework in the nude.  The other day, she was vacuuming and she
knelt down to vacuum under the couch, and I just couldn't help myself.  I
hopped on her back and had the ride of my life!"

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, "So she's having you put to sleep,
too, huh?"

"No," said the third dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."
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[ End Friday humour ]




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