Friday humour - September 10, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi again,
On a sad note this week - one of our best contributors, Martha Hills, is
leaving CSIRO at the end of next week.  It seems that the general (Library)
rationalisation on the Clayton site has taken its toll, and Martha was
one of those hit.  Hopefully she'll get an email account and stay in
touch with us to some extent!

Anyway - onto the first joke.  This one was forwarded on today by a girl
here who wishes (just on this occasion) to remain anonymous:

            A simple test of your relative "Blokiness"

1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
    a) Lovemaking
    b) Screwing
    c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
   you've both shared:
    a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
    b) Your blood-test results
    c) Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
    a) Your partner climaxes first
    b) You both climax simultaneously
    c) You don't miss The Footy Show

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
    a) Healthy, creative love-play
    b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
    c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
    a) The best part of the experience
    b) The second best part of the experience
    c) $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
   month.  You tell her that it is:
    a) No concern of yours
    b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
    c) A conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
    a) A myth
    b) An oxymoron
    c) A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
    a) Appetiser is to entree
    b) Priming is to painting
    c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
   the end of a relationship?
    a) "I hope we can still be friends."
    b) "I'm not in right now.  Please leave a message after the tone...."
    c) "Welcome to Dumpsville.  Population: You."

 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
    a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
       sort of intimacy
    b) Is uptight and a waste of time
    c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
really are a man.

If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a
little confused.

If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up.  Let's go drinking.

     Okay (and no - I'm not telling you who she is, so don't ask).
     Next one's from another girl whose name I won't mention, except
     to say she works at Alcoa and she posted this onto our famous
     (infamous?) list out west ...

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a
Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 35 KPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two in
the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know
that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other

"Slower than the speed limit?  But I was doing the speed limit exactly -
thirty five kilometres an hour." the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "35"
was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing
out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... Is everyone in this
car okay?  These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh they'll be all right in a minute, officer.  We just left highway 190."
                         #   #   #   #   #

       And ...

A newly wed couple were looking to decorate their new house.  Whilst
bargain hunting, they found an unusual mirror, which the shop owner
states is "magical".

The couple buy the mirror, and place it on the back of their bedroom door.

One day the wife decided to test the mirror out, and whilst looking into
the mirror said:  "Mirror, mirror on the door, Make my boobs size 44."

And lo and behold it came true! She ran down the stairs to show her
husband, who was utterly amazed.  He proceeded to run up to the bedroom,
and whilst looking in the mirror he said:  "Mirror, mirror on the door,
Make my manhood touch the floor."

And then his legs fell off.

      Here's a couple of sweet little ones from Nicky Scarlett:

Emperor Nero was grumbling about the Colosseum running in the red for
the sixth month in a row.  "What we need is a manager who understands
show business", he complained.  "You can't blame me entirely", retorted
the hapless manager.  "It's the fault of those lions, they keep eating
all the prophets!"

Q: What did the letter "o" say to the number "8"?
A: Nice belt.

    Hmmm ... well, I can see that whoever wrote those down is a "C"

    Now - another one of those interesting little hidden Microsoft
    gems.  This was recently forwarded on by Emma Booth:

The following are instructions to find a 3D flight simulator in Excel.

I know it works in Excel 97.  Apparently, if you have an earlier version
of Excel this brings up a DOOM game.

Follow these instructions:

1. Start Excel (or restart)
2. Open a new worksheet
3. Press F5
4. Type X97:L97 in the reference box
5. Press okay
6. Press TAB once (this should take you to M97).
7. Hold down the CONTROL and SHIFT keys while pressing the CHART WIZARD

You control it by moving the mouse.  The left hand mouse button makes you
go forward and fast, the right hand mouse button slows you down and takes
you backwards.

Press Esc to cancel.

      So now we know why MS programs are getting so big lately!  Okay -
      should have finished by now, but maybe just two more.  This next
      one was forwarded on by David Finn (who received it from his
      daughter overseas):

Superman was feeling bored after a long bout of crime fighting and wanted
to go out and party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a
club and pick up some girls.  Batman said Robin was ill and he had to look
after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a
few beers.  Spiderman told him he had a date with Catwoman.

As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if
she was free.  As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on
the bed with her legs open.  Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than
a speeding bullet, I could be in there, have sex and out again before she
knew what was happening." So Superman did his super thing in a split
second and flew off happily.

Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?" "No!"
said the Invisible Man, "But my ass hurts like hell!"

      And last of all - another one forwarded on by Eric Frazer:

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it
happens, near Transylvania.  They were driving in a rental car along a
rather deserted highway.  It was late, and raining very hard.  Bob could
barely see 5v meters in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car,
but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.  Dazed, he looks over
at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head
bleeding!  Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has
to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.  After
a short while, he sees a light.  He heads towards the light, which is
coming from an old, large house.  He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes.  A small, hunched man opens the door.  Bob immediately
blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty.  We've
been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt.  Can I
please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone.  My master
is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in.  An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid
my assistant may have misled you.  I am not a medical doctor; I am a
scientist.  However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have
had a basic medical training.  I will see what I can do.  Igor, bring them
down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob
following closely.  Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.  Bob collapses
from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are
serious, Igor.  Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work
feverishly, but to no avail.  Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly.  Wearily, he climbs the
steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano.  For it is here
that he has always found solace.  He begins to play, and a stirring,
almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up.  His eyes catch movement,
and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch.  Stunned, he watches as
Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ...  The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
[ End Fri humour ]

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