Friday humour - September 04, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

First up this week, another one that's been buried for a few months,
forwarded on by Sam over at Waterford:

Every night Frank would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack,
bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV.  One night, as he
finished his last beer, the doorbell rang.  He stumbled to the door and
found a six-foot cockroach standing there.  The bug grabbed him by the
collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang.  He
walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing
there.  The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again.
The same six-foot cockroach was standing there.  This time he was kneed
in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain.  Then the
big bug left.

The fourth night Frank didn't drink at all.  The doorbell rang.  The
cockroach was standing there.  The bug nearly beat the life out of Frank
and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Frank went to see his doctor.  He explained events of
the preceding four nights.  "What can I do?"  he pleaded.  "Not much" the
doctor replied.  "It's just a nasty bug that's going around "

       Okay, here's some Science now ...

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor butter-
side down.  If a cat is dropped from a window or other high and towering
place, it will land on it's feet.

   The Problem Statement...

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up to a
cat's back and toss them both out the window?  Will the cat land on it's
feet?  Or will the butter splat on the ground?

   The answer...

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able
to deduce the obvious result.  The laws of butterology demand that the
butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline
aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back.  If the
combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this
paradox.  Therefore it simply does not fall.

That's right, you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get) -
you have discovered the secret of anti-gravity!  A buttered cat will,
when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting
and butter repulsion are in equilibrium.  This equilibrium point can be
modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing
some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent.

Most of the civilised species of the Universe already use this principle
to propel their vehicles within a planetary system.  The loud humming
heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several
hundred cats.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread
off their backs they will instantly plummet.  Of course the cats will
land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since
right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot
starship and angry aliens crash on top of them.

      Hmmmm ... okay.  Now, you may remember recently that we had some
      quoted interchanges from actual court cases?  Well, Dr Frazer has
      just forwarded on a few more for you legal pleasure:

              From a little book called "Disorder in the Court"
        (Things people actually said in court, word for word)

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July the fifteenth.
Q: Yes, but which year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 199.
Q: And where is milepost 199?
A: Probably between milepost 198 and 200.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or a
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Officer, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: Which disco is this?

    Just before we go on, here's 3 quickies the SS20 sent yesterday:
       Star Signs

PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
    You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed
    by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
    people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
    you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to
    small animals.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
 Your determination and sense of humour will come to the fore.
 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe.  As a matter of
 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got a
 sick sense of humour.

        ... and ...

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"

1st customer: "I'll have tea."

2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the cup is clean!"

Waiter exits, then returns:

Waiter: "Two teas.  Now, who wanted the clean cup?"

      And a short-ish one from that list out west ....

                             TROUSER TROUBLE

The newlyweds were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.  As
they undressed for bed, the big, burly husband tossed his pants to his
bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants,"  she said.

"That's right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it.  I'm the man
and I wear the pants in this family!"

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his knee
cap.  "Hell," he said, "I can't get into these."

"That's right," she said, "and that's the way it's going to be until
your attitude changes."

    Now for a long one.  This was passed on a while ago by David
    McCallum, and it's especially topical for us here at the moment ...

To really succeed in a business or organisation, it is sometimes helpful
to know what your job is, and whether it involves any duties.  Ask among
your co-workers. "Hi,"  you should say. "I'm new here.  What's the
actual title of my position?"  If they answer "long-range planner" or
"lieutenant governor," you are pretty much free to lounge around and do
crossword puzzles until retirement.  Most jobs, however, will require
some work.

     There are two major kinds of work in modern organisations:

     1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and,

     2. Going to meetings.

Your ultimate career strategy will be to get a job involving primarily
No.2 - going to meetings - as soon as possible, because that's where the
real prestige is.  It is all very well and good to be able to take phone
messages, but you are never going to get a position of power, a position
where you can cost thousands of people their jobs with a single stupid
decision unless you learn how to attend meetings.

The first meeting ever was held back in the Mezzanine Era.  In those days,
Man's job was to slay his prey and bring it home for Woman, who had to
figure out how to cook it.  The problem was, Man was slow and basically
naked, whereas the prey had warm fur and could run like an antelope. (In
fact it was an antelope, only nobody knew this).

At last someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some brain-
storming, we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!"
This went extremely well, plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle,
so they agreed to meet again the next day, and the next.

But the women pointed out that, prey-wise, the men had not produced
anything, and the human race was pretty much starving.  The men agreed
that this was serious, and said they would put it right near the top of
their "agenda".  At that point, the women, who were primitive but not
stupid, started eating plants, and thus modern agriculture was born.
This never would have happened without meetings.

The modern business meeting, however, might better be compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing
uncomfortable clothing and would rather be somewhere else.  The major
difference is that most funerals have a definite purpose.  Also, nothing
is really ever buried in a meeting.

An idea may look dead, but it will always re-appear at another meeting
later on.  If you have ever seen the movie "Night of the Living Dead,"
you have a rough idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and
proposals that everyone thought were killed rising up constantly from
their graves to stagger back into meetings and eat the brains of the

     There are two major kinds of meetings:

1.  Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Anzac
Day is observed - namely, tradition.  For example, a lot of managerial
people like to meet on Monday because it's Monday.  You'll get used to
it.  You'd better, because this kind account for 83% of all meetings
(based on a study in which I wrote down numbers until one of them looked
about right).  This type of meeting operates the way "Show and Tell" does
in kindergarten, with everyone getting to say something - the difference
being that in nursery school, the kids actually have something to say.

     When it's your turn, you should say that you're still working on
whatever it is you're supposed to be working on.  This may seem pretty
dumb, since obviously you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be
working on, and even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but that's the
traditional thing for everyone to say.  It would be a lot faster if the
person running the meeting would just say, "Everyone who is still working
on what he or she is supposed to be working on, raise your hand."  You'd
be out of there in five minutes, even allowing for jokes.  But this is
not how we do it.  My guess is that this is how they do it in Japan.

     2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose.  These are trickier,
because what you do depends on what the purpose is.  Sometimes the
purpose is harmless, like someone wants to show slides of pie charts and
give everyone a big, fat report.  All you have to do in this kind of
meeting is sit there and have elaborate fantasies, then take the report
back to your office and throw it away, unless, of course, you're a senior
manager (in which case you write the name of a subordinate in the upper
right hand corner, followed be a question mark, like this: "Norm?" Then
you send it to Norm and forget all about it, although it will plague Norm
for the rest of his career).

     But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your
"input" on something.  This is very serious because what it means is that
they want to make sure that in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid
or fatal, you'll get some of the blame  So you have to escape from the
meeting before they get around to asking you anything.  A good approach
here is to set fire to your tie.

     Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce
that you have a phone call from someone very important, such as the CEO
of the organisation, or the Pope.  It should be one or the other.  It
would a sound fishy if the accomplice said, "You have calls from the
chief and the Pope."

     You should know how to take notes at a meeting.  Use a yellow legal
pad.  At the top, write the date and underline it twice.  Now wait until
an important person, such as your boss, starts talking; when he does,
look at him with an expression of enraptured interest, as though he is
revealing the secrets of life itself.  Then write interlocking rectangles
like this:

     (picture of doodled rectangles)

If it is an especially lengthy meeting, you can try something like this:

     (Picture of more elaborate doodles and a caricature of the boss)

     If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everyone else leave the
room.  Then collect a group of total strangers, right off the street, and
have them sit around the sleeping person until he wakes up.  Then have one
of them say to him,

"Bob, your plan is very, very risky.  However, you've given us no choice
but to try it.  I only hope, for your sake, that you know what you're
getting yourself into."  Then they should file quietly out of the room.

    I seem to have lost the senders name for this one, but I think it was
    Dave over at (the final remnants of) the Elevator factory:

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband twisted his head towards his
voluptuous, nubile young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown,
and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.  Just
cooperate with him and do anything he wants.  If he wants to screw you,
or anything else for that matter - just go along with it and pretend you
love it.  Our lives _depend_ on it, okay?"

"Oh, darling," the wife gasped, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved
you feel that way.  He just told me he thinks you're really cute."

     And to finish up, something really appropriate for some hard drinking
     on a pleasant Friday (or Saturday) night:

At a cocktail party, a man got totally plastered, went up to the host
and, in a slurred voice, asked, "Excuse me, but do lemons have feathers?"

"I beg your pardon?" replied the host.

The drunk asked again, "Do lemons have feathers?" as he struggles to hold
his balance.

A rather bemused host responded, "No, I don't think so."

The drunk sheepislyh said: ".... oopsie...!"

"What?" asked the host.

"I think I've just squeezed your canary into my drink."
[End Friday humour]

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