Friday humour - August 21, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

     Hi,
  Bit of a long one this week - still trying to clear out the folder
  and catch up with some of the contributions from earlier this year!

  First up, a little "letter to the editor" from Wayne:

                   #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #
> Puzzle:  Father and son are in a car which is hit by a big semi-trailer.
> The Father is killed and the son, badly injured is rushed to the nearest
> hospital for an emergency operation.
>
> The surgeon comes into the theatre, looks at the boy and says, "I can't
> perform this operation.  This boy is my son."    Explain.
> ....
> And the answer to the semi-trailer accident puzzle: The surgeon is the
> boy's mother.

   Tony,
As you have used capital F for "Father" I assumed that he was a Roman
Catholic priest (we know how they like children ;-)) and the surgeon is
in fact the son's biological father.
                   #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #  #

   Hmmm ..., I dunno, Wayne - but yeh - I guess that's a valid solution.

   Anyway, first up this week in the humour and oddball department,
   one which was forwarded on by Martha Hills from MST on a couple of
   weeks back:
                    ------------------------------

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?".

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.  I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism.  Your mum, she's
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government.  We're
both here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the working class.  And your baby brother,
we'll call him the future.  Now, think about that and see if that makes
sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.  So the little boy
goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.  Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.  Finding the door locked, he
peeks in the key hole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.  He gets
up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now."

The father says,"Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working
class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and
the future is in deep shit."
       -----------------------------------------------------------


      Next, another little story passed on by John over at the Museum
      of Victoria:
                         ----------------------

                          Pain transfer machine

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby.  Upon their
arrival, the doctor told them that he'd invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father, and asked
if they were willing to try it out.  The couple were very much in favour
of trying it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that
even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced
before.  But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted
the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how
well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%.  The husband continued to feel
quite well.  Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain
to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.  She
and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the postman was lying dead on the porch.
       -----------------------------------------------------------


      Now another recent one forwarded on by David McCallum:
                      ----------------------

      A list of actual instructions that have appeared on products.

ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)

ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.

ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not Iron clothes on body.

ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning: keep out of children.

ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.

ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.

ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

ON A PACKET OF SUNMAID RAISINS:
Why not try tossing over your favourite breakfast cereal?

        And ...

            TECHNOLOGY FOR TASMANIANS:

LOG ON = Making a wood stove hotter
LOG OFF = Don't add no more wood
DOWNLOAD = Gettin' the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ = When yer not keerful gettin' the farwood
FLOPPY DISC = Whatcha git from tryin' to carry too much farwood
RAM = That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE = Gettin' home in the winter time
PROMPT = Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS = Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN = Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE = Whut dem dang flys do
MODEM = Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX = Old Dan matrix's wife
LAP TOP = Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD = Whar ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE =  Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE = What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD = That's hippe talk fer the mouse hole
PORT = Fancy Mainlander wine
ENTER = Mainlander talk fer, "C'Mon in Y'all"
       -----------------------------------------------------------


    Now a real quickie from that list out west ...
                  -----------------------

A tall weather-worn cowboy walked into the saloon and ordered a beer.

The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids.
No one spoke, but they all noticed that the strangers hat was made of
brown wrapping paper.  Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest
were also made of paper.  As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots,
including the paper spurs.  Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and
bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper.

Of course, he was soon arrested for rustling.
       -----------------------------------------------------------


      Now for a short but apparently true story, forwarded on by
      Eric Frazer:
                  -----------------------

Time Magazine reports an interesting case of high-tech graffiti.  It
seems that a couple of Intel engineers working on the design of a recent
version of the Pentium microprocessor included a message that describes
their feelings about Bill Gates, president of Microsoft, a good corporate
pal of Intel's.

When a portion of the Pentium chip is examined under a powerful scanning
electron microscope, the phrase "bill sux" is clearly visible, etched
into the surface of the chip.  The "flaw" in the chip was only discovered
by accident well after the chip was released into the market - too late
for Intel to prevent the chip from being used in the manufacture of tens
of thousands of PCs.

Intel says that both engineers responsible were former employees of
Motorola, makers of the chips that are the heart of the Apple Macintosh.

Both engineers have since been fired by Intel.  You can see the chip at:
 Click here
       -----------------------------------------------------------

    Now a few quotes from "Get Smart" - a shortened version of the one
    which originally appeared on 'the list out west' a few months ago.
    (Ah - how I remember watching these in my Monash days, lying around
    in the upstairs Union building on those lazy summer afternoons .. :-)
                         ------------------------

Chief:  Max, this will undoubtedly be the most dangerous mission you've
        ever gone on.  You probably won't get back alive.

Max:  If you're trying to scare me, Chief, you're wasting your time.  I
      don't know the MEANING of the word fear.

Chief:  You'll parachute from six thousand feet.

Max:  I ... think ... I just learned it.
                               -----------

Chief:  Max, I don't know what I'm going to do about you.  You bungle
        assignment after assignment.

Max:  I resent that, Chief.

Chief:  Do you deny it?

Max:  No ... but I resent it.
                               -----------

99:  Oh, Max, how terrible.

Max:  He deserved it, 99.  He was a Kaos killer.

99:  Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.

Max:  What are you talking about, 99?  We HAVE to shoot and kill and
      destroy.  WE represent everything that's wholesome and good in the
      world.
                               -----------

Max:  Listen, 99, did you find out anything about that restaurant that
      sold me the poison coffee?

99:  Yes, Max.  I was a Kaos front.  They stayed in business almost a
     year just to get the Professor.  Then they packed up and
     disappeared.  Terrible, isn't it?

Max:  It certainly is.  They had the best prune danish in town.
                               -----------

Chief:  All we know is that they threaten to wipe out the city containing
        our finest intellectual minds and greatest leaders.

Max:  Well, at least Washington is safe.
                               -----------

Chief:  Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Max:  No, I'm thinking what I'm thinking.
                               -----------

Max:  Well, that's it, Chief, I'm off.

Chief:  All right, Max.

Max:  OH - one more thing, Chief.

Chief:  What?

Max:  Where am I off to?
                               -----------

Max:  I don't think we should talk out here in the open.  I think we
      should use the Cone of Silence.

Chief:   Oh Max, everytime we use the Cone of Silence, something terrible
         happens.  Can't you just write it out to me on a piece of paper?

Max:  People can read a piece of paper.

Chief:  I'll burn it afterwards.

Max:  Ashes can be reassembled.

Chief:  I'll eat the note.

max:  They can operate on you and get it back.

Chief:  All right, Max.  The Cone of Silence.
                               -----------

Chief:  Max, Hymie's a cybernaut.

Max:  What's his religion got to do with it?
                               -----------

  Max opens an airport locker to find Agent 13 eating a sandwich and
  drinking a glass of milk.

Max:  13, what did you see?

13:  Nothing, I'm on my lunch break.

Max:  A man has just been murdered.  Doesn't that mean anything to you?

13:  Not from 12 to 1.
                               -----------

   Max discovers Agent 13 inside the Chief's wall safe.

Max:  What's 13 doing in there?

Agent 13:  The Chief said I'd been out on field trips too long, so he
     gave me this nice, soft office job.

Max:  It's awfully small.  Tell me, 13, how did you get in there?

13:  The Chief gave me the combination.
                               -----------

   Max finds Agent 13 inside a cigarette machine

13:  I've been here for seventy-two hours without a break.

Max:  Seventy-two hours?  You must be starved.

13:  No, but I'm dying for a smoke.
                               -----------

Max:  I'm going to have myself kidnapped.

99:  No, Max, I'm not going to let you sacrifice yourself like that.

Larabee:  She's right, Max.   Let me go.

Max:  Are you saying that because I'm married, Larabee?

Larabee:  No, Max.  I'm saying that because I'm married.
                               -----------

Larabee:  Morning, Chief.  Morning, Max.

Chief:  Good morning?  Larabee, it's eight o'clock.  What are you doing
        here?

Larabee:  I always come to work at eight o'clock in the morning, Chief.

Chief:  It's eight o'clock in the evening, not eight o'clock in the
        morning.

Larabee:  It is?

Chief:  Yes!

Larabee:  Oh, well that explains it.

Chief:  Explains what?

Larabee:  Why my wife served me pot roast for breakfast.

Chief:  Good-bye, Larabee.

Larabee:  You mean I can go?

Chief:  Yes.

Larabee:  Gee, that's nice of you, Chief, giving me the rest of the
          day off.
                               -----------

99:  If we don't find [Dr. T] the entire civilised world is in danger.

Max:  Not to mention our side.
                               -----------

   Max just dispatched three Kaos agents:

Max:  I must say you've handled this very well, Tisha, amid all this
      violence and horror and deceit.

Tisha:  Well, after all, this is my third beauty contest.
                               -----------

   At the Missile Command Center...

99:   Max, why do they always repeat the instructions in German?

Max:  I don't know, 99.  I guess it's the language our best American
      scientists understand.
       -----------------------------------------------------------


     And finally, this one from Rick ...
                  -----------

Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior was that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, they decide to lock the door of
the room, strip off, and paint in the nuddy.

In the middle of this project, there was a knock at the door.

"Who is it?", calls out one of the nuns.

"A blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other.  Finally, they shrug, deciding that no
harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.  They walk over and
open the door.

"Whooh - great BOOBS!" said the man.  "Now - where do you want the blinds?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




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