Friday humour - August 13, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Gidday,
John Stevens has taken some time off from trying to locate and document
every known bit of Divisional equipment, and instead submitted some bits
of humour - here are some samples:
                          -------------------------

Question: How does a blind parachutist know when he is near the ground?
Answer:   The lead on his seeing eye dog goes slack.

Puzzle:  Father and son are in a car which is hit by a big semi-trailer.
The Father is killed and the son, badly injured is rushed to the nearest
hospital for an emergency operation.

The surgeon comes into the theatre, looks at the boy and says, "I can't
perform this operation.  This boy is my son."    Explain.
--------

    Now, while you're thinking about that one ...
                         --------------

'Semolini the Great' comes on Stage with a Giant Crocodile!  He opens the
Crocodiles mouth, drops his dacs and places his privates in the
Crocodiles mouth.

The audience gasp as the crocodile closes his mouth.  Semolini draws back
his fist and bops the crocodile in the eye with all his might and the
reptile releases him.

Unscathed, Semolini shows his undamaged parts to the roaring crowd, says:
"Thank you ladies and gentlemen, thank you.  And now you have seen my
performance, I wonder is there any brave member of the audience who would
like to try the same thing."

Finally, an elderly, tiny Scot lady in a Tartan top, in the back row,
puts up her hand.  "Well I don't mind having a wee go-but ye can no hit
me so hard in the eye."
                            --------------

     And another ...

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell.  As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with a demon:

Demon: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think?  I'm in hell.

Demon: Hell's not so bad.  We actually have a lot of fun down here.
You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Demon: Well, you're gonna love Mondays then.  On Mondays, that's all we do
is drink.  Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab... we drink
till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Demon: Alright!  You're gonna love Tuesdays.  We get the finest cigars from
around the world and smoke our fxxxin' lungs out.  If you get cancer, it's
okay... you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Demon: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day.  Craps, blackjack, horse
races, you name it.  We even opened up a pai gow poker table.

Guy: Gosh, I never played pai gow before...

Demon: Well now you can.  You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs.  You don't mean...

Demon: That's right!  Thursday is drug day.  Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack.  Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.  You can do all
the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's okay... you're already
dead.

Guy: Neat!  I never realised that hell was such a swingin' place!

Demon: You gay?

Guy: Uh, no.

Demon: Oooh dear (grimaces) ....  you're gonna hate Fridays.
                   -----------------------


 And the answer to the semi-trailer accident puzzle: The surgeon is the
 boy's mother.
      --------------------------------------------------------


      Now for a couple from our analytical Nicki Agron-Olshina (this
      first one also forwarded on by John Sharples over at the Museum):
                         --------------------

Be warned, you're going to find yourself talking "funny" for a while
after reading this.  It was nominated "best email of 1997".  A telephonic
exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which
was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:

Room Service: "Morny.  Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye.  Ruin sorbees.  Morny!  Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G : "Uh.. yes..  I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G : "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs!  How do I like them?  Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem... crease?"

G : "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay.  An San tos?"

G : "What?"

RS: "San tos.  July San tos?"

G : "I don't think so"

RS: "No?  Judo one toes??"

G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
     means."

RS: "Toes!  toes!...why djew Don Juan toes?  Ow bow singlish mopping we
     bother?"

G:  "English muffin!!  I've got it!  You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
     Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G : "No..  just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G :  "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G : "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G : "Yes.  Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie.  Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
     tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G : "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"
          ----------------------------------------------------


    And the other from Nicki ...
              ---------

IN THE BEGINNING, God created heaven and earth.  However, HE was almost
immediately faced with a class action suit for failure to file an
environmental impact statement.  He was granted a temporary permit for
the project, but was then stymied with a cease and desist order for the
earthly part.

Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project
in the first place.  HE replied that he just liked to be creative.

HE then added, "Let there be light!", but immediately the officials
demanded to know HOW the light would be made.  Would there be strip
mining?  What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire.

HE was then granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that
no smoke would result from the ball of fire; that he would obtain a
building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light half the
time.  God agreed to this, adding that he would call the light DAY and
the darkness NIGHT.  Officials replied that they were not interested in
semantics.

God then said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many,"
adding, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the
fowl that may fly over the earth".

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of
Game, coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation, and the
Audobangelic Society.  Everything then seemed to be okay - until HE said
he wanted to complete the project in six days.

Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application
and impact statement.   Following this, there would need be a public
hearing.  Then there would be a further 10 to 12 months before ...

At this point, God created Hell.
    ----------------------------------------------------------------


     This next little tale was forwarded on by both Ilse Middleton and
     John Stevens ...
                        -------------------

PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his
constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a
bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm
finally let fly -- and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the
ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on
him like a dump truck full of mud.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.
Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay
unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of
him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern.  "With no
one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour
before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.  It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen sometimes -- a
billion-to-one shot, at least."

The heartbreaking tale of constipation and tragedy began April 23 when
the conscientious zookeeper noticed that his prize, 8,000-pound African
elephant didn't seem to be producing his usual poop a plenty.

"Friedrich had actually been concerned for several days because he knew
that severe constipation can kill an elephant," assistant zookeeper Kurt
Herrman recalled.  "He told me he was going to stay late that Thursday
night to treat Stefan with laxatives and possibly give him an enema.  I
offered to help, but he sent me on home, saying he had everything under
control."

But two hours later, horrified night watchman Walter Pleuger found
Friedrich lying lifeless under a mound of muck, his body visible only
from the knees down.

"I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said: "But
obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity
and not something that should be attempted alone."
         ------------------------------------------------------


    Now for some quickies which just arrived from Steve over at the
    Elevator factory (the second and third were in fact compliments of
    Juan Rossello):
                        ---------------------

A rural couple had made sacrifices to save money to send their only son
to college

Once there, he began to grown long sideburns, a mustache, and a goatee.

When his facial hair was luxurious enough to satisfy him, he had his
photograph taken and mailed it home with a note that read: "Fascinating,
no?  Don't I perhaps look like a count?"

"You idiot!"  His father wrote back.  "Here we are spending a fortune on
your education and you can't even SPELL!"
                      -------------------------

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18.  When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

"Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it
three times?"

"No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
                      -------------------------

The general went to the doctor for a physical.  Before he began, the
doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then
he asked when was the last time the general had sex.

'Oh,' he mused, 'around 1945.'

'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.

'I don't think so.  According to your clock, it's only 21:13.
         ------------------------------------------------------


    And last of all - this last one was passed on a couple of months back
    by Deanna.  Another one that's been buried under the pile ...
                          ------------------

                 AN UNFORGETTABLE WEDDING RECEPTION

This is a true story that just happened at a wedding at Clemson.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests (for you affluent folk, this
is huge by middle class standards).  After the wedding, at the reception,
the groom got up on the stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.

He announced that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.  He _especially_ wanted to
thank the bride and groom's families for coming.

In fact, to thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,
he said that he wanted to give everyone a gift from him.  So, taped to
the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope.  He said that was
his gift to everyone, and asked them to open it.

Inside this manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex
with the bride.  (He must have become suspicious of the two of them and
hired a private detective to trail them.)

He then stood there and watched people's reactions for a couple of
minutes!  Then, he turned to the best man and said "F*** you", turned to
the bride and said "F*** you too", and then "I'm out of here".

He had the marriage annulled the next day.

While most of us would have broken it off immediately after we found out
about the affair, this guy went through with the whole thing!

His revenge:  Making the bride's parents pay for a 300 guest wedding and
reception; letting everyone know exactly what had happened; and trashing
the bride's and best man's reputations in front of their friends, family,
grandparents, etc.

This is his world.  We just live in it... :-)
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[End Fri humour]




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