Friday humour - August 07, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

Again this week, I'll include a couple that have been buried since
the start of the year through no fault of their own.  This first one's
in that category - from "that" list out west (which lately has been
ordered by Clayton management to change it's name twice in the space
of two weeks :-):

                    SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Tasmania.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??   I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh...err..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell
asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says "Hi!" when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognise wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

        Next contributor wanted to remain anonymous - dunno why,
        really - it's a good little one:

Warren has been in the computer business for 25 years, and he is finally
sick of the stress.  So he quits his job, and buys 50 acres of land in
West Virginia - as far from humanity as possible.  After moving in, he
only sees the postman once a week, and gets his groceries once a month.
Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After 6 months or so in total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when
someone knocks on his door.  He opens it, and there stands a large
pot-bellied hillbilly with a long red beard and rotten teeth

"Name's Enoch - yer neighbour frem four miles over the ridge.  Havin' a
party Saturday night.  Thart yah mart lark ta cerm!?"

"Great!" says Warren, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks".

As Enoch is leaving, he says: "Gotta warn you though - there's gonna be
some drinkin'."

"No problem", says Warren, "After 25 years in the computer business, I
can drink with the best of them"

Again, Enoch starts to leave, but he stops again.  "More than likely
going to be some fightin', too!"

("Shit!", Warren thinks "a tough crowd ...!")  "Well, I get along with
people.  I'll be there ... thanks again!"

Once again, Enoch turns around as he is leaving... "And I've seen some
real wild sex at these parties, too"

"Well, now, that's NO problem" says Warren, "I've been alone here for 6
whole months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch turns at the door.  "Whatever you want.  Just gonna be the two of us"

      Now, this next one's another of those that ex-Port's have probably
      already seen, but it's short and worth a repeat.  Forwarded on
      this time by Carolynn from the Ian Wark Library (via Jean),
      and also by Aryeh Seligmann:

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship
with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995.
(Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.)

For those who may be concerned about the world adopting too strong an
American flavour, the following naval radio message transcript (factual)
was recorded off the coast of the Canadian province of Northumberland.
It may make one think twice before adopting all management and human
relations techniques emanating from the US.

American voice: "Suggest you alter course 15 degrees to the north to
avoid collision."

Canadian voice: "No, suggest YOU alter course 15 degrees to the south."

American voice: "This is the USS Missouri.  Repeat, alter course 15
degrees to the north to avoid collision."

Canadian voice: "Repeat, YOU alter course 15 degrees to the south."


Canadian voice: "This is a lighthouse.  Your call?"

        Now another one from a regular contributor - Fifi McCallum ...

AerLingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with
Paddy the pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot.  As they approached Dublin
airport, they looked out the front window.

"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will you look at how fookin short that runway is".

"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.

"Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see"
said Paddy.

"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.

"Right Gerry.  When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse"
said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

"And ten you put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry."And ten you pray to ta Mother
Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy

"Right, I'll be doing tat" replied Gerry.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and
sweaty palms.

As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines in reverse,
put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes, and prayed to Mother Mary with
all of his soul.  Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of
smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the
runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out
the front window and said to Gerry: "Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin
runway I have EVER seen in my whole life".

Gerry looked out the side window and replied: "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin
widest, too".

       And now, courtesy of Paul Jeffery, it's time for the almost
       regular ... Perils of Pauline:

Pauline Hanson is visiting a school.  In one class, she asks the students
if anyone can give her an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers that "If my best friend who lives
next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him,
that would be a tragedy."

"No," Hanson says, "That would be an ACCIDENT."

A girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove
off a cliff, killing everyone involved... that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains Hanson. "That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS."

The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.

"What?" asks Hanson, "Isn't there any one here who can give me an example
of a tragedy?"

Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand.  In a timid voice, he says:

"If an air plane carrying Pauline Hanson and the One Nation Party were
blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy."

"Wonderful!" Hanson beams.  "Marvellous!  And can you tell me WHY that
would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it
certainly would be no great loss."

          Nigel Haigh just passed this little one on ... enjoy:

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made
"Tickle me Elmo" dolls.  It was Friday and almost quitting time and
hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday.

He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line
just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday, they started up the line as usual, but within twenty minutes
they had to shut it down because one worker couldn't keep up.

The boss went down the line to find the problem.  The new employee was
very busy trying to do her part, but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for

Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two
walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss couldn't control his laughter, and said:  "Lady, I said give
each doll 'two test tickles' ....  argh, never mind!"

       And last of all for this week - one more from "that" list ...

                 Tips to help you get through your day/life

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a
jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto!  The blockage is
almost instantly removed.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Make people think you have a bat phone in your car by calling them next
to a loud electric fan, asking them to repeat everything they say and
then hanging up half way through their reply.

Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day.  They may find
the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.  The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands
under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every
time you want to speak.

Girls.  Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday?  Simply get pissed, strip,
lie in a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.

Bus drivers.  Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.

People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty
'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs.
This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make
a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of
getting the job.
[End Fri humour]

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