Friday humour - July 24, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
This'll be Monday humour by the time most of you read it.  We've been
quite short-handed this past week in Computing (as Michael Lim Shek
mentioned), and I'm currently fighting a battle with a bad disc (and
another problem) in the CFD's Unix server.

There's been a lot of activity on the Fri Humour front this week.  Last
week's collection was probably somewhat more bawdy than usual, and our
EEO rep mentioned to me that "... a few people indicated that they found
some of the material offensive ...".   Apparently some also felt that
it's becoming too long.

Interestingly, the number of _contributions_ during this week rocketed to
an all-time high (I still haven't finished sorting them!)

Anyway, I'll do what I should have done last December:  I'll make this
the final Friday Humour that just gets sent unsolicited to "all" (Clayton
Minerals) and "others".  So if you'd like to continue receiving it, reply
to this mail (or just send me an email saying "yep" or something vaguely
similar,) and I'll add you into a new "Fri Humour" mail list which I'll
create from your replies.

Be aware. though, that once on this list, stuff will come through pretty
much uncensored :-)
                           ------------


First up this week, some more one-liners (from Scott over at CSIRO Land
and Water):
                -----------------------------------


The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
      ----------------------------------------------------------------


     The great one week Constitutional Convention last February prompted
     some interesting thoughts from Ian XXXX.  This is another one of
     those original contributions that was inadvertently "buried":
                          ---------------------------

Debate at the recent Constitutional Convention was bogged down by the
issue of selection of an Australian Head of State.  A way out of the
impasse may be to extend the field to non-human candidates.  My
preference would be for the task to be assigned to a sulphur crested
cockatoo (to be given the formal title of  "Boss Cocky").  The advantages
of such an arrangement would be:

*Cost Savings. Cockatoos are quite happy to work for peanuts and come
equipped with ceremonial plumage. This should delight economic
rationalists.  Cockatoos are inclined to feather their nests but unlike
politicians they provide their own feathers.

*Consensus Support.  A cockatoo as head of state would attract broad
based political support.  The National Party have always believed that
Australia should be run by cockies.  Support from the green and animal
liberation movements would be automatic.  It should be noted that
selection of crows, eagles, hawks, magpies and swans should be avoided in
the interest of national unity.  These birds serve as powerful divisive
totems, particularly during the winter months in Southern States.
Amongst mammals, similar considerations apply to kangaroos, dogs, cats
and bears.

*Political Stability. The legendary lifespan of cockatoos means that
succession would be an infrequent issue.  Cockatoos can be trained to
parrot predictable slogans, further reducing the risk of political
destabilisation.

*Constitutional Symbolism.  The boss cocky would perch on the prime
minister's shoulder on formal occasions.  This arrangement would
symbolise the right of the head of state to crap on the prime ministerial
shoulder while the prime minister would have the right to dismiss the
head of state by wringing its neck.

*Minimal Retraining.  Leunig can already draw cockatoos

*Moral Leadership.  While not being entirely above fowl play, the moral
standards of cockatoos are vastly superior to the behaviour attributed
to some foreign heads of state.  The most intimate requests to which
staff would have to respond would be an occasional call to "Scratch
Cocky"
       -----------------------------------------------------------


      Next, one that was passed on by Eric Frazer a while back:
                      ----------------

               A Guide to Software Revisions

Once you start playing with software, you quickly become aware that each
software package has a revision code attached to it.  It is obvious that
this revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in
reality there's substantially more information available through the rev
code than that.  This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the
meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify.

1.0:
Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta".  We had to
release it because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the
marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror.  We're praying that you'll
find it more functional than (say) a computer virus, and that its
operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy.

1.1:
We fixed all the killer bugs ...

1.2:
Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to
fix them, too.

2.0:
We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with.  Mind you, it's
really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it.

2.1:
Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so
we had to fix them.  But we did a really good job of testing this time,
so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these
bugs.

2.2:
Uh, sorry, one slipped through.  One lousy typo error and you won't
believe how much trouble it caused!

2.3:
Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and
wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!!

3.0:
Hey, we finally think we've got it right!  Most of the customers are
really happy with this.

3.1:
Of course, we did break a few little things.

4.0:
More features.  It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to
get more memory and a faster processor ...

4.1:
Just one or two bugs this time ...  Honest!

5.0:
We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base
out there to protect.  We're cutting the staffing after this.

6.0:
We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0.  Not very many, but it's been
so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major
upgrade.  Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could
justify the major upgrade number.

6.1:
Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who
works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've
made are incorporated before I go.  I added some cute demos, too, since I
was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept
complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything).  They're
talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it
for as long as there's a buck or two to be made.  I'm leaving the bits in
as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be
sheer luck if no one loses them.
         ------------------------------------------------------


        Finally, some more school children's wisdom as forwarded on
        by Nicki A-O:
                         --------------------------

WISDOM OF THE AGES (A CHILD'S PERSPECTIVE)

The following proverbs were collected by a first grade teacher over the
years.  She gave her classes the first part of an old proverb and let them
fill in the rest.

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You........ Mess It Up.

Better to be Safe Than........ Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The........ Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before........ Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of........ Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But....... How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... .....Looks Dirty.

No News Is........ Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A........ Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New........ Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll........Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust........ Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The........ Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is........ The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's........ Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who........ Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is........ Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's........ The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What........ You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And......You Have To Blow
Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As........ Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not........ Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed........ Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You........ See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... .....Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... .....Aunt Edna.

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the
population.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it
through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and
you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms because we get our silk from rayon. This is a
larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly
constipated authorities.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top
and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the
winter.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[End Friday(?) humour]




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