Friday humour - July 16, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
First up this week, some one-liners.  These actually appeared in the form
of bumper stickers.  Originally forwarded on by a young lady over at
CSIRO Land and Water (Floreat, WA) early this year:
                    ------------------------------

* My Karma just ran over my dogma

* The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.

* If you smoke after sex, you must be doing it too fast.

* I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.

* Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

* You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.

* BEER: It's not just for breakfast any more.

* So you're a feminist ...  Isn't that cute!

* If - a two letter word for futility

* Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

* I'm not a complete idiot.  Some parts are missing.

* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

* If something goes without saying, LET IT!

* Help wanted - telepathy (you know where to apply)

* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.

* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and
  yelling like the passengers in his car.

* God must love stupid people, he made so many.

* So many recipes, so few cats.

* Cats... the other white meat.

* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

* I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
  vegetarian.

* There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

* Smile - it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

* It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

* Warning: Dates in the calendar are closer than they appear.

* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

* I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of
  yourself.

* Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill
  your drink.

* We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse.

* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.

* Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
  happy.

* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

* Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

* There are three kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

* 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

* I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic
  particles.

* Sex on television CAN'T hurt - you unless you fall off.

      And one last one that was forwarded on by Doug Knight:

Whilst on leave in sunny QLD I had breakfast on the beach at Burleigh Surf
Club.  Outside their balcony restaurant was a sign outlining the
acceptable dress code.  The fifth of about six requirements was:
"No bikini tops after 4.00pm".   (Hmmmm ....?)
       -------------------------------------------------------------


       This one was forwarded on recently by Greg Short (and also by
       John over at the Museum of Victoria).  Port people may recognise
       it from a year or two back, but it's worth a repeat anyway:
                     ------------------------

                         IMPORTANT NOTICE
                         ----------------

As a result of a reduction in our total budget, it is our unpleasant
duty to announce that we must again introduce cost-cutting measures.

Under the new plan, older personnel will be asked to accept early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent
our future plans (and are on lower salary scales).

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed in effect
immediately.  The program will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retire Aged Personnel
Early).

Employees who are R.A.P.E.D. will be given the opportunity to look for
other employment outside the Division.  Provided they are being
R.A.P.E.D., they can request a review of the personnel records before
actual retirement takes place.  This phase of the operation will be called
S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All personnel who have been R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. may file an
appeal with upper management.  This will be called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by
Higher Authority Following Termination).  Under the terms of the new
policies, personnel may be R.A.P.E.D. once, S.C.R.E.W.E.D. twice, but may
be S.H.A.F.T.E.D. as many times as the Division deems appropriate.

Each person who follows the above procedure will be entitled to get
H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. is considered a benefit plan, any person who has received
H.E.R.P.E.S. will no longer be R.A.P.E.D. or S.C.R.E.W.E.D. by the
Division.

Management wishes to assure younger personnel who remain with the
Division that it will continue its policy of ensuring that personnel are
well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.)
program.

The Division takes pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our personnel receive.
We have given our personnel more S.H.I.T. than any other Division in this
area.  If any person feels he or she does not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, see your immediate supervisor, for your supervisor is
especially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can
handle.

   Regards,

      The Management Team

     ------------------------------------------------------------------


     And now a short one from the list out west ...
           ---------------------------


                          THE DRUNK GUY
                          -------------

On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar.  In this
bar, a man was drinking heavily.  He would ask the bartender for a tequila
shot, then walk out to the balcony and jump off.

Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator and repeat the whole process.

This one guy watched this happen a number of times until curiosity got
the better of him.  Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you
keep drinkin', then jumpin' off the balcony.  And yet, minutes later,
you're back again.  How do you do it?"

"Well, the shot of tequila provides a buoyancy such that when I get near the
ground, I slow down and land gently.  It's lots of fun.  You should try it."

The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself,
"Hey, why not?" So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then
walks out to the balcony, jumps off, and whooooooooooooo, splat!

The bartender looks over at the first guy and says, "Superman, you are one
real _arsehole_ when you're drunk."
                  -----------------------------------


   May as well take another one from there (this one's just a tad
   on the risque side, so be warned):
                           -------------------

A sixteen year old girl goes to confession.

"Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??" the priest asked.

"Because, Father, he touched me on my arm without permission"

"Do you mean like this??" He touches her arm.

"Yes, Father."

"That's no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this??" He touches her breasts.

"Yes, Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this??" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this??" He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes Father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he has AIDS."

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!"
       -----------------------------------------------------------


       Now another one of those stories from Nicki Agron-Olshina (and
       also passed on by David McCallum):
                           -------------------

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got
the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.  "It's a
quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little.  "Yeah, it's not bad.  Check this out" - and he
shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world,
but for the 86 largest metropoli.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The
time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent.  A few more buttons
and the same voice says something in Japanese.  Jake continues "I've put
in regional accents for each city".  The display is unbelievably high
quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

That's not all," says Jake.  He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but
very hi-resolution map of New York City appears on the display.  "The
flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New
York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs,"
says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also
a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal
paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my
favourites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand - it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!"  And the stranger pulls out a cheque book.

Jake stops to think.  He's only put about $8500 into materials and
development, and with $15 000 he can make another one and have it ready
for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the cheque and waves it in
front of him.  "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.
$15,000.  Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision.  "OK," he says, and peels off the
watch.  They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around
warily.  Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle
through the bus station.  "Don't forget your batteries."
       -------------------------------------------------------


      Next one is an anonymous contribution that was forwarded on by a
      well known young lady from around here back in May:
                           -------------------------

Four men, all fathers, go to the country club for a round of golf.
Three make their way to the first tee, while the fourth is detained for a
minute in the clubhouse.

The three men start to talk about their sons.  "I am so proud of my son,"
says one.  "He started out as a carpenter and now owns his own real-estate
development firm.  In fact, he's so successful, he just gave one of his
friends a brand new house as a gift."

"I am proud of my son, too," says another father.  "He began by selling
cars and now owns a dealership.  In fact, he just gave two brand new cars
to a friend as a present."

"Well, that's nothing," pipes up the third Dad.  "My son started as a
broker and now is so successful, he just gave a friend a whole portfolio
of stocks."

At this point the fourth father rejoins the group.  The other three tell
him what they have been talking about.

"I dunno," begins the fourth Dad.  "I'm not really very proud of my son, I
guess.  He's a hairdresser and I just found out he's homosexual."

The other three fathers looked down and away, uncomfortable.

"But then again," says the fourth, "he must still be something special.
His last three boy-friends gave him a new home, two new cars, and a stock
portfolio.
       -------------------------------------------------------------


              Now another one from Ilse Middleton ...
                        ------------------

Twin brothers were named Joe and John.  Joe was the owner of a
dilapidated boat.  It happened that John's wife died the same day Joe's
boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, mistaking him
for John, she said to him, "I am terribly sorry for your great loss, you
must feel terrible."

Joe said, "Oh, hell no! Actually, I am sort of glad to be rid of her, she
was a rotten old thing from the beginning.  Her bottom was all shrivelled
up and she smelt like dead fish.  She was always losing her water, she
had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too.  The
hole got bigger every time I used her, she leaked like crazy and it got
too hard to keep her upright.

What finally finished her off was those four tough guys who wanted to
rent her for a good time.  I warned them that she wasn't any good, but
they wanted to go with her anyway.  The damn fools all tried to get on
her at the same time and it was too much for the old girl.  While they
were trying to get into their various positions, she split right up the
middle."

The old woman fainted ...
       ---------------------------------------------------------------


      Finally - time for another One Nation bash.  First one was
      forwarded on by Jean's daughter Caroline, over at Monash (via
      Jean):
                          -----------------------

One day, Pauline Hanson is being chauffeured to a One Nation rally in the
Queensland outback, when her driver swerves to avoid a pot hole and hits
a cow on the side of the road, killing it instantly.  When they arrive at
their destination, Pauline suggests to the driver that he should go back
to the farm house and apologise for the accident and offer to pay for the
damages.

Three hours later, the driver returns, with all his clothes torn, holding
a bottle of wine in one hand, a Cuban cigar in the other, and swaying
left to right as he walked.

Pauline asks the driver to "Please Explain"?  "Well, the farmer gave me
this bottle, his wife gave me this cigar, and his beautiful 19 year old
daughter made passionate love to me!"

"Bloody hell - what did you tell them?"

I just said, "Hi, I'm Pauline Hanson's driver and I just killed the cow!"
               ----------------------------------------


          And another - this one forwarded on by Theo Rodopoulos:
                       -------------------

The Pope was touring Australia and took out a couple of days from his
itinerary to visit the northern tropics and the outback.  Deep into his
visit, his 4WD Popemobile was driving alongside a river, when he heard
some splashing up ahead.  As he drew close, the Pope observed in the
river, an Aboriginal man struggling frantically with a crocodile, who
had grasped the poor guy in its powerful jaws.

At that moment, from around the river bend, a speedboat roared into
view, containing three people - Bruce Ruxton, Arthur Tunstall and
Pauline Hanson.  As the speedboat neared the struggling figures,
Pauline Hanson took aim and fired the harpoon into the crocodile's hide.

Then, Ruxton and Tunstall pulled the man from the jaws of the crocodile
and using long clubs, beat the crocodile to death.  They bundled the
semi-conscious man onto the speedboat, as well as the dead croc, and then
approached the river-bank.

The Pope was impressed by what he had witnessed, so he went up to
greet them.  He said "I give you my blessings for your brave actions.
I had heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to
divide Australia's community - but now I can see that your society is a
truly enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model
for other nations to follow."

As the Popemobile drove off, Pauline Hanson asked the others: "Who was
that?"

Ruxton answered: "That was his holiness, the Pope.  He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

Pauline Hanson: "Well, he knows fuck all about crocodile hunting! Quick -
what condition is that bloody bait in?"
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[ End Friday humour ]




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