Friday humour - July 03, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
The first contribution this week comes from the ss20 - when I logged in
for this session, it threw up the following as a suggestion for my email
signature.  I reckon it's better as a joke though:
                   ------------------------------

   From Unix:

Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
children open their old-fashioned presents.

Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"

You: "A spinning top!  You spin it around, and then eventually it falls
      down.  What FUN!  Ha, ha!"

Son: "Is this a joke?  Jason Thompson's parents got him a PC with a 9Gb
      disk, 128 megs of RAM, a 17" monitor and a 12 meg 3-D graphics card ...
      ... and I get this cretin TOP?"

Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad?  Look at this."

You: "It's figgy pudding!  What a treat, sweetheart!"

Daughter: "It looks like goat barf."
               - Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
       ---------------------------------------------------------------


     Okay - enough of machine humour ... this next one's from a real
     person (John, over at the Museum of Victoria) which is currently
     packed into two thousand suitcases, apparently:

                   Comparing Work and Prison
                   -------------------------

IN PRISON      You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK        You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON      You get three meals a day.
AT WORK        You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON      You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK        You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON      A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK        You must carry around a security card and unlock and open
               all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON      You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK        You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON      You get your own toilet.
AT WORK        You have to share.

IN PRISON      They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK        You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON      All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK        You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
               deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON      You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
               inside, wanting to get out.
AT WORK        You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
               bars.

IN PRISON      There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK        They are called managers.
            ------------------------------------------------------


       And another "genie" story ... this one was forwarded on by a well
       known local from upstairs (who wishes to remain anonymous), as
       well as Elevator Jenny and Elevator Dave.  (BTW - most people over
       there are having their last day today.  After 120 years of serving
       Australia, the septic tanks who bought it 2 years ago have now
       closed it down.  So, next time you ride in a lift that says "Johns
       and Waygood or Johns Perry or Boral Elevators, you'll know what
       we _used_ to design and manufacture in good old Oz).  Let's wish
       them all good luck, anyway :-)
                         ----------------------

Three guys - a Tasmanian, a Queenslander (or "One Nationer") and a
Victorian - are out walking along the beach together one day.  They come
across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.  "I will give you each one
wish, that's three wishes total", says the genie.

The Tasmanian says, "I am a fisherman, my dad's a fisherman, his dad was
a fisherman and my son will be one too.  I want all the oceans full of
fish for all eternity."  With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' the
oceans were teaming with fish.

The One Nationer was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Queensland, so that we can run our own State how we feel, and no hippie
southerner can tell us what to do.  I want it so nothing and no-one will
get in for all eternity."  Again, with a blink of the genie's eye, 'POOF'
there was a huge wall around Queensland.

The Victorian asks, "I'm very curious.  Please tell me more about this
wall".  The genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet
thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Victorian says, "Fill it up with water."
          ---------------------------------------------------


       And from the same local, anonymous contributor:
               --------------------------------

In a conference, three scientists - an American, a German, and an
Australian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances
their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms
so we attached artificial arms on him.  And now that he's grown, he has
become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medalist at that!".

The German replied, "That's nothing to what we have done.  Back in Berlin,
there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of
artificial legs on her.  Now she is a three-time marathon gold medalist
in the Olympics!!".

The Australian interjected, "Is that all you have, just gold medalists?
In Sunny Queensland, we had a baby girl born without a HEAD!  We attached
a MELON, and she's now the Leader of the most surging political party in
Australia - One Nation!"
         ----------------------------------------------------------


     Argh, what the heck ... may as well include this next one too.
     Originally forwarded on by Ian Madsen; also by Jean, Paul Jeffrey,
     Julian Johnson AND John from over at the remains of the museum :-)

     So, finally, here it is - for all those who'd like to join, this is the form
     to fill out - pencils ready?
                     -----------------------------

                    ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION
                    =================================

 Name: ________________
  (_) Billy-Bob
  (_) Billy-Joe
  (_) Billy-Ray
  (_) Billy-Sue
  (_) Billy-Mae
  (_) Billy-Polly
(Check appropriate box)

Age: ____

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
  (_) Farmer
  (_) Mechanic/ Taxi Driver
  (_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner
  (_) Skinhead

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister             (_) Brother
(_) Aunt                (_) Uncle
(_) Cousin           (_) Mother
(_) Father             (_) Son
(_) Daughter        (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name:_______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_) rent your mobile home?  (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own
 ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
 ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
 ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
 ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
 ____ truck
 ____ bedroom
 ____ bathroom
 ____ kitchen
 ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_

Do you have a gun rack?  (_) Yes (_) No; please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The  Truth       (_)Exposure
(_) TV Guide         (_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun

 ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
 ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Colour of teeth:
(_)Yellow     (_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown      (_)Black  (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
(_)Skoal

How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
       --------------------------------------------------------------


       Now, one forwarded on from "that" list over the other side of
       the Nullaboor ...
                  -------------------------------

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small town
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.  He figures he'll
have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mate.  Mind if I speak to
him?"

New Zealander: "Dogs don't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hey dog - how's it garn, old mate?"

Dog: "Doin' allright."

New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this Kiwi your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>

Dog:"Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good.  He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes
me to the lake once a week to play."

New Zealander: <look of disbelief>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

New Zealander: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse:"Cool."

New Zealander: <extreme look of shock>

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" <pointing at New Zealander>

Horse:"Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How's he treat you?"

Horse:"Pretty good, thanks for asking.  He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

New Zealander: <total look of amazement>

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

New Zealander: "The sheep's a liar."
      ------------------------------------------------------------


      We've all seen those inquisitive little(?) forms that come with
      many products (esp Microsoft software).  Well, it's nice to know
      we're not the only ones ... (this one also forwarded on by that
      western list):
                    ---------------------------

  This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas web site
  by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.  The company,
  of course, does not (have a sense of humour), and made the web
  department take it down immediately.  (In case you don't know:
  McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief suppliers of military
  aircraft).
                             ----------


    Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft!

In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below.  Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1.  [  ] Mr.  [  ] Mrs.  [  ] Ms.  [  ] Miss  [  ] Lt.    [  ] Gen.
    [  ] Comrade  [  ] Classified  [  ] Other

   First Name:
   ..................................................................
   Initial: ........
   Last Name: ......................................................
   Password: .............................. (max 8 char)
   Code Name: ......................................................
   Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ...........  ...........  ..........

2.  Which model aircraft did you purchase?
    [  ] F-14 Tomcat
    [  ] F-15 Eagle
    [  ] F-16 Falcon
    [  ] F-117A Stealth
    [  ] Classified

3.  Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day):   19....... / ....... /......

4.  Serial Number:................................................

5.  Please check where this product was purchased:
    [  ] Received as gift / aid package
    [  ] Catalogue / showroom
    [  ] Independent arms broker
    [  ] Mail order
    [  ] Discount store
    [  ] Government surplus
    [  ] Classified

6.  Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
    have just purchased:
    [  ] Heard loud noise, looked up
    [  ] Store display
    [  ] Espionage
    [  ] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
    [  ] Political lobbying by manufacturer
    [  ] Was attacked by one

7.  Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision
    to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
    [  ] Style / appearance
    [  ] Speed / maneuverability
    [  ] Price / value
    [  ] Comfort / convenience
    [  ] Kickback / bribe
    [  ] Recommended by salesperson
    [  ] McDonnell Douglas reputation
    [  ] Advanced Weapons Systems
    [  ] Back-room politics
    [  ] Negative experience opposing one in combat

8.  Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
    [  ] North America
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Central / South America
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Aircraft carrier
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Europe
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Middle East (not Iraq)
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Africa
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Asia / Far East
    [  ] Iraq
    [  ] Misc. Third World countries
    [  ] Classified
    [  ] Iraq

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase
   in the near future:
    [  ] Colour TV
    [  ] VCR
    [  ] ICBM
    [  ] Killer Satellite
    [  ] CD Player
    [  ] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [  ] Space Shuttle
    [  ] Home Computer
    [  ] Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Check all that
    apply:)
    [  ] Communist / Socialist
    [  ] Terrorist
    [  ] Crazed
    [  ] Neutral
    [  ] Democratic
    [  ] Dictatorship
    [  ] Corrupt
    [  ] Primitive / Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
    [  ] Deficit spending
    [  ] Cash
    [  ] Suitcases of cocaine
    [  ] Oil revenues
    [  ] Personal check
    [  ] Credit card
    [  ] Ransom money
    [  ] Traveler's check

12. Your occupation:
    [  ] Homemaker
    [  ] Sales / marketing
    [  ] Revolutionary
    [  ] Clerical
    [  ] Mercenary
    [  ] Tyrant
    [  ] Middle management
    [  ] Eccentric billionaire
    [  ] Defence Minister / General
    [  ] Retired
    [  ] Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the
    interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
    on a regular basis:
    [  ] Golf
    [  ] Boating / sailing
    [  ] Sabotage
    [  ] Running / jogging
    [  ] Propaganda / disinformation
    [  ] Destabilisation / overthrow
    [  ] Default on loans
    [  ] Gardening
    [  ] Crafts
    [  ] Black market / smuggling
    [  ] Collectibles / collections
    [  ] Watching sports on TV
    [  ] Wines
    [  ] Interrogation / torture
    [  ] Household pets
    [  ] Crushing rebellions
    [  ] Espionage / reconnaissance
    [  ] Fashion clothing
    [  ] Border disputes
    [  ] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire.  Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas
serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive
mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist
groups, and mysterious consortia.

As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a
brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

    McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
    Marketing Department
    Military Aerospace Division
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[End Fri humour]




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