Friday humour - June 26, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
Well, Anna tells me that the shortest day has now passed, so we're finally
on the way out of it, towards summer.  And I've received a record number
of contributions in the last week or two (perhaps because people in
Melbourne, at least, haven't felt inclined to go out at lunchtime in the
freezing, windy rain?).  Anyway, first off this week, a couple passed on
by John Stevens:
                ---------------------------------------

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right
breast hanging out.  A policeman was approaching from about 50 metres
away.  When the policeman got face to face with her, he said, "Miss, are
you aware that I could book you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your
blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my goodness!  I left the
baby on the bus again!"
                     ------------------------

      And ...

A teacher was helping her student with a math problem.  She recited the
following story : "There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A hunter
shoots one of the birds.  How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no.  Let's try again," the teacher says patiently.  She holds up
three fingers.

"There are three birds sitting on a wire.  A hunter shoots one," she puts
down one finger, "How many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared
the other two away."

"Well," she says, "it's not technically correct, but I like the way you
think."

"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question.  There are three
women sitting on a bench eating icypoles.  One woman is licking the
icypole, one woman is biting the icypole, and one is sucking the icypole.
Which one is married?" he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and squirmed in agony,
turning three shades of red.

"C'mon," the boy said impatiently, "one is licking the icypole, one is
biting, and one is sucking.  Which one is married?"

"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied," the one
who's sucking?"

"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring on.  But I like
the way you think."
            -------------------------------------------------


         And a couple of quickies from out west:
               -----------------------

A young blonde girl goes to the doctor for a physical.  The doctor puts
his stethoscope up to the girl's chest and says, "Big breaths." The
girl replies, "Yeth and I'm not even thixteen."
                   *******************

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his crotch.

The bartender says, "Hey, mate - did you know you've got a steering wheel
sticking out of your crotch?"

The guy says, "Yeah ... it's driving me nuts."
          ----------------------------------------------------


       Now a little tale that was passed on by Russell MacKinnon ...
                     -------------------------

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined
with million dollar houses.  On the third tee the husband said, "Honey,
be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows.
It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the Biggest
house on the course.  The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch
out for the houses!  Alright, let's go up there, apologise and see how
much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on
in".

They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer.

A grizzled old man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"

"Uh, yeah.  Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you, I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle.  You've released me, and now I'm allowed
to grant three wishes.  I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the
last one for myself."

"Oh, wow!" the husband said. "Well, I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life."

"No problem - that's the least I can do.  And you ... what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years.  My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband and his wife look at each other, and eventually the husband says,
"Well, we DID get a lot of money and all those houses, honey.  I guess we'd
better grant the genie his wish too."

This settled, the genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two
solid hours.  After that was over, the genie rolled on his side, stared
at the woman, and said, "How OLD is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?  That's amazing."
      -----------------------------------------------------------

        Now some one-liners from way out west ....
               -------------------------

Confucius say:  If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Confucius say:  Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say:  Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say:  He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say:  Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with
                solution in hand.

Confucius say:  Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius say:  Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say:  Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honourable discharge.

Confucius say:  Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say:  Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not
                feeling crazy, feeling nuts.

Confucius say:  Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say:  Rape impossible.  Woman run faster with skirt up, than
                Man with pants down.

Confucius say:  He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say:  Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say:  Man who make love on side of hill not on level.

Confucius say:  Shallow woman like man with short temper.

Confucius say:  Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
              ---------------------------------------------------


       This next one has been forwarded on by a few people over the last
       few months - Simon H, Nicki A-O, and most recently by Elevator
       Dave - so I guess it must be about time to pass it on:
                      ---------------------------

A magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest.  These are actual quotes from
managers out there.

1.  As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building
using individual security cards.  Pictures will be taken next Wednesday
and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the
winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation in Redmond,
Washington.)

2.  What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

3.  How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff?
(Programming intern, Microsoft IIS development team)

4.  E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data.  It should be
used only for company business.(Accounting manager, Electric Boat
Company)

5.  This project is so important, we can't let things that are more
important interfere with it.  (Advertising/Marketing manager, United
Parcel Service)

6.  Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.  No one will
believe you solved this problem in one day!  We've been working on it for
months.  Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's
time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M
Corp.)

7.  My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that
only needed corrections.  She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and
she couldn't edit it.  The disk I gave her was write-protected.   (CIO of
Dell Computers)

8.  Quote from the Boss:  "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I'
say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

9.  "How About Friday?"  My sister passed away and her funeral was
scheduled for Monday.   When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I
would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year.  He then asked if
we could change her burial to Friday.  He said, "That would be better for
me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

10.  "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not
going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Lone
Lines Division)

11.  We recently received a memo from senior management saying:  "This is
to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject
mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

12.  One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning
a project I was working on.  I asked him if tomorrow would be soon
enough.  He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until
tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

13.  Speaking the Same Language:  As director of communications I was
asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and
materials.  In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the
"pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals.

The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called
into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president
wanted me out of the building by lunch.  When I asked why, I was told
that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophilia?) working in her
company.  Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that
I be fired-and the word "pedagogical" circled in red.

The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in
his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he
told me not to worry.  He would take care of it.

Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out - directing us that no
words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be
used in company memos.  A month later, I resigned.  In accordance with
company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together
from the Sunday paper.  (Taco Bell Corporation)

14.  I am not making this up.  This gem is the closing paragraph of a
nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company:

"(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention
on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on
innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of
quality!" (Lucent Technologies)

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
This communication may be protected by the attorney/client privilege and
may contain confidential information intended only for the person to whom
it is addressed.  If it has been sent to you in error, do not read it.

Please reply to the sender that you have received the message in error.
Then delete this message without copying or reading it.
                -----------------------------------


      And finally, one forwarded on by Lachlan and also David McCallum:
                     ------------------------

        NEWSPAPER HEADLINES WE COULD NOT HAVE LIVED WITHOUT

1.  Include Your Children when Baking Cookies

2.  Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

3.  Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4.  Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

5.  Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

6.  Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

7.  Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8.  Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

9.  Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

10. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

11. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

12. Eye Drops Off Shelf

13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids

14. Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax

16. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

17. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

18. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

19. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

21. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

23. War Dims Hope for Peace

24. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

25. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

26. Deer Kill 17,000

27. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

30. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

31. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

32. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

34. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

35. Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire

36. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

37. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

39. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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[End Fri humour]




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