Friday humour - June 19, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

First up on this pleasant looking Friday are a few of the collected
sayings of Groucho Marx - forwarded on via "that" list our west (by the
keeper of the list, as it turns out :-):

              Quotes From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles.  If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you.  He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an

A child of five could understand this.  Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad
to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas.  How he got into my
pyjamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational.  The minute
somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is
probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

After his introduction on a music/variety show, Groucho and the host
both sat down at center stage.
  Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
  Groucho: "If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.  In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew
them like apple-sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb
does.  Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my
disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is,... I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's
too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

  And an oldie but a goodie....

Dear Mum and Dad:

   It has been four months since I left for college.  I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness.  I will bring you up
to date now, but before you read on, please sit down.  Don't read any
further unless you are sitting down .... OK?

   Good.  I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now.  I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and
only get three headaches a day.  Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory
and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and
he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance.  He also
visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of
the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him.  It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute.
He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning
to get married.  We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will
be before I start to show.

   Yes, Mum and Dad, I am pregnant.  I know how much you are looking
forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same
love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.  The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and
I carelessly caught it from him.  This will soon clear up, thanks to my
daily penicillin injections.

   I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.  He is
kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious.  Also, he is of a
different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years
of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind the fact that he is
somewhat darker than we are.  I am sure you will love him as I do.  His
family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.

   I guess that's it.  Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you
to know ... there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or
skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not
engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my
life.  However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I
wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

        Your loving daughter,



     This next little yarn was forwarded on by Jenny over at the
     elevator factory (originally from John K over at CUB):

A Cuban, a Scot, a Kiwi and an Aussie were travelling in the same
carriage on a train bragging about their homelands when the Cuban lit up
a big fat cigar.  He took one puff of the sought after log and threw it
out the window.

"Why didya goen do that fir?" cried the Scotsman. "T'was a real Cubin
cigar you just threw out the window laddy".  "My country has so many
cigars that losing tenfold this amount means nothing to me.  There is
plenty more where it came from." returned the bragging Cuban.

The Scot wondered what item his country had bountiful quantities of so
that he could out-do the Cuban.  From out of his bag he pulled a brand new
bottle of the finest Scotch Whisky, took a gulp and threw the bottle from
the train.

"Why in the bloody hell did ya do that for ya stupid Scottish bastard?"
howled the Aussie. "That was a top drop you just got rid of."

"Ah young laddy, such whisky runs like water in my fine country.  Losing
even the finest bottle means nothing to me - there is plenty more where
it came from".

At that point the Aussie picked up the Kiwi and hurled him from the

    Now some parenthood-related humour ...

            .... Idiots on the phone

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

      And ....


Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery.  Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents
to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a
mother or father.

1. Women:  To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front.  Leave it there for nine months.  After
nine months, remove 10% of the beans.

Men: To prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Next, go to the supermarket.  Arrange to have your salary paid directly
to its head office.  Go home.  Pick up the paper and read it for the last

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack
of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed
their children to run wild.  Suggest ways in which they might improve
their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and
overall behaviour.  Enjoy it -- it's the last time in your life that you
will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5
p.m. until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12
pounds.  At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go
to sleep.  Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again with
the bag until 1 a.m.  Put the alarm on for 3 a.m.  Since you can't go
back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea.  Go to bed at 2:45
a.m.  Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off, sing songs in the
dark until 4 a.m.  Put the alarm on for 5 a.m.  Get up.

Make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer.  Stick your fingers in the
flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls.  Cover the stains with
crayons.  How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an
octopus and a string bag.  Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag
so that none of the arms hang out.  Time allowed for this--all morning.

6. Get an egg carton.  Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn
it into an alligator.  Now get a toilet paper tube.  Using only scotch
tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree.  Last, take a
milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and
make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.  Congratulations, you have
just qualified for a place on the play group committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van.  And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining.  Family cars don't look like
that.  Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove
compartment.  Leave it there.  Get a quarter.  Stick it in the cassette
player.  Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies.  Mash them down the
back seats.  Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.  There! Perfect!

8. Get ready to go out.  Wait outside the toilet for half an hour.  Go
out the front door.  Come in again.  Go out.  Come back in.  Go out
again.  Walk down the front path.  Walk back up it again.  Walk down it
again.  Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes.  Stop to inspect
minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue,
and dead insect along the way.  Retrace your steps.  Scream that you've
had as much as you can stand until all the neighbours come out and stare
at you.  Give up and go back in the house.  You're now just about ready
to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket.  Take the nearest thing you can find to
a pre-school child with you.  A fully grown goat is excellent.  If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.  Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.  Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy.  Until you can easily accomplish
this DO NOT even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon.  Make a small hole in the side.  Suspend it
from the ceiling and swing it from the ceiling and swing it from side
to side.  Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit Loops and attempt to spoon it
into the hole of the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone.  Tip the rest into
your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.  You are
now ready to feed a 12-month old child.

12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame
street', and 'Power Rangers'.  When you find yourself singing, "I love
you, you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

      I've already gone past 300 lines, but I must pass this one, last
      short one on.   Forwarded by Theo Rodopoulos (and as he put it:
      "... not a joke but I think people will find it quite interesting."

                   WORLD CUP NUMEROLOGY

       Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
       Before that they won it in 1970.
       Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

       Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
       Before that they won it in 1978.
       Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

       Germany last won in 1990.
       Before that they won in 1974.
       Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

       Here's the scary part:
       England last won the cup in 1966.
       Add it to 1998...
       IT EQUALS 3964!!!!!!!

       And ...

       The Netherlands have never won the world cup so they'll
       probably win it in the year 3964.
[End Fri Humour]

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