Friday humour - June 12, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Gidday,
Some of you might remember Wayne's contribution last December regarding
possible alternative interpretations as to "Why did the chicken cross the
road?".  Well, shortly after that one, Marshall Lanyon passed this on:
                   -----------------------------

         Additional reasons why the chicken crossed the road
         ---------------------------------------------------

PLATO:
   For the greater good.

ARISTOTLE:
   It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX:
   It was an historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY:
   Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:
   This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
   dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

JACK NICHOLSON:
   'Cause it f.....g well wanted to.  THAT'S the f.....g reason.

RONALD REAGAN:
   I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
   To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES:
   Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
   The road, you see, represents the black man.  The chicken 'crossed' the
   black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
   I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
   without having their motives called into question.

RICHARD M. NIXON:
    The chicken did not cross the road.  I repeat, the chicken did NOT
    cross the road.

OLIVER STONE:
    The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"  Rather,
    it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked
    in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

RALPH WALDO EMERSON:
   The chicken did not cross the road .. it transcended it.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
   To die.  In the rain.

ARTHUR ANDERSEN, MANAGEMENT CONSULTANTS:
   Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
   dominant market position.  The chicken was faced with significant
   challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
   newly competitive market.

   Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client,
   helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy
   and implementation processes.  Using the Poultry Integration Model
   (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies,
   knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people,
   processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a
   Program Management framework.

   Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts
   and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in
   the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of
   meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both
   tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergise with each other in
   order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully
   architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
   across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.  The meeting
   was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful
   environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built
   upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with
   the chicken's mission, vision, and core values.  This was conducive
   towards the creation of a total business integration solution.
   Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become more
   successful.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


       And a short one from "that" list (where would we be without
       that list?):
                          ---------------------

A student comes to the office of a young professor.  Before entering, the
lovely young lady glances in both directions down the hall, then closes his
door behind her and kneels down before him, pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam."  She leans closer to him, flips
back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean", she whispers, "... _anything_."

He returns her gaze, "__Anything?__"

"Anything", she says!

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything", she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper: "Would you be willing to ... study?"
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


    Now a longer one from the same list:
        ------------------------------

        How to talk about men and still be politically correct

He is not a:  Bad dancer
He is:  Overly Caucasian

He does not:  Hog the blankets
He is:  Thermally unappreciative

He is not:  Unsophisticated
He is:  Socially malformed

He does not:  Eat like a pig
He suffers from:  Reverse bulimia

He is not:  A sex machine
He is:  Romantically automated

He is not a:  Male chauvinist pig
He has:  Swine empathy

He is not:  Quiet
He is a:  Conversational minimalist

He does not have a:  Beer gut
He develops a:  Liquid grain storage facility

You do not:  Undress him with your eyes
You have a:  Introspective pornographic moment

He is not:  Afraid of commitment
He is:  Monogamously challenged

He does not have a:  Horny arse
He has achieved:  Buttocks perfection

He is not:  Stupid
He suffers from:  Minimal cranial development

He does not:  Get lost all the time
He discovers:  Alternative destinations

He is not:  Balding
He is in:  Follicle regression

You do not:  Buy him a drink
You initiate an:  Alcohol-For-Conversation exchange

He does not:  Fart and belch
He is:  Gastronomically expressive

His jeans are not:  Too tight
He is:  Anatomically under circulated

You do not:  Kiss him
You become:  Facially conjoined

He is not a:  Cradle robber
He prefers:  Generationally differential relationships

He does not:  Fall down drunk
He becomes:  Accidentally horizontal

He does not:  Act like a total ass
He develops a:  Case of rectal-cranial inversion

He is not:  Short
He is:  Anatomically compact

He does not have a:  Rich daddy
He is a:  Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion

He does not:  Constantly talk about cars
He has a:  Vehicular addiction

He does not have a:  Hot body
He is:  Physically combustible
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


      Perhaps the next one belongs in the Darwin Awards (although
      it happened a couple of years back):
                    ------------------------------

  From: Arkansas Democrat Gazette, 25 July 1996

                Freak Accident in Cotton Patch, Arkansas

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday
morning.

Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after
midnight Monday.  Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38,
of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Centre.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a
shooting trip.  On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck
headlights malfunctioned.  The two men concluded that the headlight fuse
on the older model truck had burned out.  As a replacement fuse was not
available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit
perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.  Upon
inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and
the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River bridge.

After travelling approximately twenty miles and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in
the right testicle.  The vehicle swerved sharply to the right exiting the
pavement and striking a tree.  Poole suffered only minor cuts and
abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other
wound.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or
we might both be dead" stated Wallis.
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


     And ...

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location, but how to get
there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we listened to the following exchange
between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird
206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning, Frankfurt.  Speedbird 206 clear of the
active."

Ground: "Guten morgan.  Taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbirt, do you nhart know vere you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbirt 206, haff you never
*flown* to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: "Yes, ground - in 1944, but we didn't stop".
    -----------------------------------------------------------------


     Normally I'd finish about here (we're at about 268 lines), but for
     the benefit of a couple of people who've said "More", here's a
     longish one that was forwarded on by Russell Newnham a couple of
     weeks back:
                    ------------------------------

                            HOTEL SOAP OPERA

Attached is actual correspondence which occurred between a London
hotel's staff and one of its guests.  Someone from The London hotel
involved submitted this to the Sunday Times:
                            ---------

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial.  Please remove
the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest
and another three in the shower soap dish.  They are in my way.

Thank you,
  S. Berman
  #############################################################

Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid.  She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from
her day off.  I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as
you requested.  The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put
on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.
This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from
the management is to leave 3 soaps daily.  I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy,
  Relief Maid
  #############################################################

Dear Maid (I hope you are my regular maid).

Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the
little bars of soap.  When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet.
I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my
own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on
the shelf.  They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc.

Please remove them.
  #############################################################

Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management.  I took the 6 soaps which were in
your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial
was.  I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.  I
didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside
the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not
object to when you checked in last Monday.  Please let me know if I can
of further assistance.

Your regular maid,
   Dotty
  #############################################################

Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you
called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.  I have assigned a new girl to your room.  I hope you will
accept my apologies for any past inconvenience.  If you have any future
complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention.
Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you.

Elaine Carmen
   Housekeeper

  #############################################################

Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for
business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6 PM.  That's the
reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night.  You were already off duty.  I
only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little
bars of soap.  The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a
new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my
medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the
bath-room shelf.  In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars
of soap.  Why are you doing this to me?

  S. Berman
  #############################################################

Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps.  If I can be of further assistance,
please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,

Elaine Carmen,
  Housekeeper
   #############################################################

Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing.  Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial.  I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

  S. Berman
   #############################################################

Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem.
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our Maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room.
The situation will be rectified immediately.  Please accept my
apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kensedder
   Assistant Manager
    #############################################################

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last
night and found 54 little bars of soap.  I don't want 54 little bars of
Camay.  I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial.  Do you realise I have
54 bars of soap in here.  All I want is my bath size Dial.  Please give
me back my bath-size Dial.

  S. Berman
    #############################################################

Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed.
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so
I personally returned them.  The 24 Camays which had been taken and the
3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic).  I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets.  Obviously your maid, Kathy,
did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays
plus the 3 daily Camays.  I don't know where you got the idea this
hotel issues bath-size Dial.  I was able to locate some bath-size
Ivory which I left in your room.

Elaine Carmen
  Housekeeper
    #############################################################

Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess: - On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in
4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. - On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2
stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. - On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3
Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2
stacks of 4. - Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2. - In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. - On
northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - On
northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted.  Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip.  May I suggest that my bedroom window
sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap
deliveries.  One more item - I have purchased another bar of bath-sized
Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further
misunderstandings.

  S. Berman
     #############################################################
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[End Fri humour]




 Previous (June 05, 1998)  Index Next (June 19, 1998)