Friday humour - June 05, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Gidday,
And another week nearly gone.  Here's a couple of little stories from
that good old mail list out west for your ascii viewing pleasure:
                    --------------------------------


A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a
courthouse at the side of the road.  Of course, there were always lawyers
walking along the road.  The truck driver made it a practice to hit any
pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give
him a ride.  A little further along, as he approached the town, he
spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he
remembered his passenger.  He swerved back to the center, but he heard a
"whump", and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across
the field.

He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure I missed that lawyer."

And the priest replied, "That's okay, my son .. I got him with the door."

                           *******************

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant.  Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went
out to fire departments from miles around.  After fighting the fire for
over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief
and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of
the plant.  They must be saved!  I will give $50,000 to the engine
company that brings them out safely!"

As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen
their attack on the blaze.  After two more hours of attacking the fire,
the president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that
could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came
into sight.  It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of
men over 65.  To everyone's amazement the little fire engine raced
through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of
the inferno.  In the distance, the other firemen watched as the old
timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort
that they had never seen before.  After an hour of intense fighting, the
volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret
formulas.

Joyous, the chemical company president announced that he would double the
reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the
volunteers.  After thanking each of the old men individually, the
president asked the group what they intended to do with the reward
money.  The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said, "The
first thing we're going to do is fix the damn brakes on that truck!"
          ------------------------------------------------------


     And a quickie from Steve Fletcher:
               --------------

                     Ahhh, master ...

A Zen master steps up to a hot dog cart and says:  "Make me one with
everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes the hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who
pays with a $20 bill.

The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and slowly closes
the drawer.

"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.

The hot dog vendor responds: "Change must come from within."
         --------------------------------------------------------


  And a short collection which just rolled down the network
  from Lachlan-by-the-Canal:
                     -----------------------

            A sampling of recent "humour" from Jerry:

Rocket Science thought for the day:
Nozzle studies are exhausting.

Did you hear about the nuclear scientist?
He swallowed a uranium pill and got atomic ache.

6 out of 5 people do not understand statistics.

(Like the pat of butter said to the table knife, I'm on a roll!)

A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food."

What is the following:
"Clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG, BANG, clip, clop, clip, clop,...."
Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.
        -------------------------------------------------------


      And one more from "that" list - for the benefit of you non-CSIRO
      readers, "Effort Logging" (sometimes called Effort Clogging") is a
      new computerised time-card system:
                         ----------------------

                In the spirit of Effort cLogging......

In the past, we have been permitted to make trips to the toilet without
any formal guidelines.  With immediate effect a "toilet policy" will be
established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each
associate's time, thereby ensuing effective time management and equal
treatment of all associates.  On the first day of every month, all
associates will be issued with 20 toilet trip credits.  These credits may
be accumulated.

Within two weeks, the entrance doors to all toilets will be equipped with
"personal identification stations" and will have computer linked voice
recognition devices.  Before the end of the month each associates must
provide two copies of the voice prints (1 normal and 1 under stress) to
Management.  The voice print recognition stations will be operative, but
not restrictive for the rest of the month.  Associates should acquaint
themselves with the operations of the stations during this period.

Once the associate's toilet trip bank reaches zero, the doors of the
toilet will not unlock for the associate's voice until the 1st of the
following month.  In addition, all cubicles are to be equipped with time
paper roll retractors.  If the toilet is occupied for more than 3
minutes, an alarm will sound.  30 Seconds after the alarm sounds, the
roll of toilet paper will retract into the dispenser,  the toilet will
flush and the door will open automatically.

If the toilet remains occupied, your photograph will be taken by a
security camera.  The picture will be posted on the "Toilet Offenders
Board".  Anyone whose photograph appears three times will immediately
forfeit 3 month's toilet trips credits.  Anyone caught smiling when their
photograph is taken will be required to undergo counselling by a clinical
psychologist.

If you have any questions concerning this policy, please address them to
your Manager.

All staff should be advised that Worker's Compensation Insurance does
not cover any injuries incurred whilst trying to stop the toilet paper
retracting into the dispenser.
            ----------------------------------------------------


     And another quickie forwarded on by Dave over at Otis Elevators
     (originally picked out by John Klimek over at CUB):
                     -------------------------

A man jumps from an airplane, and when he pulls his parachute cord, it
breaks.  As he's plunging to his death, he sees a man rising rapidly
into the air.

As they cross paths, one falling towards the earth and the other rising
away from it, the sky-diver yells, "Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to
know anything about parachutes, would you?"

"Sorry, I don't", the other man yells back. "Would you know anything
about lighting gas stoves?"
           -----------------------------------------------------


     Well, they've all been clean so far, so I just scanned back a couple more
     weeks in the in-tray, and here's one that was forwarded on by David (Fifi)
     McCallum for your edification:
                       -----------------------

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.  He's a
pretty hip guy with his own car.  When he goes to the front door, the
girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so
why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.  Bobby replies,
politely, that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw, I hear all
the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby.  So, he asks Carrie's
father to repeat it.  "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes
to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening
was beginning to look pretty good.  A few minutes later, Carrie comes
downstairs in her little poodle skirt, and announces that she's ready to
go.  Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the
front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door
behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMN IT, daddy!  It's called THE
TWIST!"
           --------------------------------------------------------


      And last of all, another little story forwarded on by Nicki (clean
      up your directory or I'll delete it) Agron-O, from the building of
      many Port(holes):
                        ----------------------------

  A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on
the sea.  The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an
eye patch.

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard
into a school of sharks.  Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit
my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well,", replied the pirate, "we were boarding an enemy ship and were
battling the other sailors with swords.  One of the enemy cut my hand
off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch"?

"A seagull shit in my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked
incredulously.

"Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."
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[End Fri humour]




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