Friday humour - May 29, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
First up this week, another little group of interesting quotes forwarded
on by one of our ex-library people, Martha Hills:
                   --------------------------

"God gave men a brain and a penis, but only enough blood to run one at a
time."
      Robin Williams

"My mum said she learned how to swim.  Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim.  I
said, 'Mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'  "
      Paula Poundstone

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  Do tall
people burn slower?
      Warren Hutcherson

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
      Marilyn Pittman

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
      Robin Williams
      -------------------------------------------------------------


     Then there was this one which was forwarded on by Colin MacRae:
                    -----------------------

The Australian Prime Minister, John Howard was in England meeting the
Queen at Balmoral.  They were discussing Australia and Howard's plans for
the future.

Howard asked the Queen if it was possible to turn Australia into a
Kingdom to increase it's force in the world market.  The queen replied
"One needs a king for a kingdom and you are most certainly not a king."

He then asks if it is possible to turn Australia into an Empire.  The
Queen replies "For an empire you need an emperor you are most certainly
not an emperor."

Howard thinks for a moment and then asks if it is possible to turn
Australia into a principality.  The Queen replies "For a principality you
need a prince and you Mr. Howard are certainly not a prince."

The Queen adds further  "Without meaning to be rude, Mr. Howard, I really
think Australia should just remain a country."
        -------------------------------------------------------------


      Next, another one from outside CSIRO; this was forwarded on to me
      a couple of days ago by John over at the Museum of Victoria:
                        -----------------------

                 FORTY THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
   shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.  Smile, and go back
   for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong
   ones.

4) Call the bondage 900 line from your bat phone.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend.  After a
   while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Bring a cat basket and take a nap in the corner.

7) Bounce a superball around the elevator.

8) Light a cigarette and tell people, "Smokey the Bear doesn't know what
   the heck he's talking about!"

9) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
   scream, "That's mine!"

10) Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing uproariously.

11) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

12) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask
    if they have an appointment.

13) When the doors close, use duct tape and work furiously to tape the
    doors together.  Ask for help.

14) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

15) Bring a hammer and nails and hang pictures of yourself on the walls.
    Ask people, "Isn't that a good picture of me?"

16) Leave your 12-foot long python alone in the elevator.

17) Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."

18) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
    hear something ticking.

19) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures
    and exits with the passengers.

20) Clean your gun.

21) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

22) Dressed in coveralls, get in a full elevator and when the door
    closes, push the stop button, post an "out of order" sign inside and
    go to work on the access panel, saying "This may take a minute."

23) Push the call button, and when the voice answers ask, "God?"

24) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

25) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay.  Don't
    panic, they open up again."

26) Push your floor button with your tongue.

27) Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on
    that
    the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

28) Swat at flies that don't exist.

29) Shoot rubber bands at everyone.

30) When the doors open, pretend that you bounce off a force field when
    you try to leave.

31) Ride naked.

32) When people get on, ask for their tickets and check that they meet
    the "height" requirements.

33) Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill
    yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

34) Talk to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's."
    Explain why modern elevators can't compete with the "gas-powered
    lifts."

35) Borrow small items from other people in the elevator, then shout
    "Wheee!" as you drop them through the crack in the floor when the
    elevator doors open.

36) Jump rope.

37) Bring a shovel and try to dig a hole.

38) When the doors close, menacingly announce that "It's going to be a
    bumpy ride."

39) Tell people that you can see their aura.

40) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.
      -------------------------------------------------------------


     This next one (from "that" humour list out west) is one I think I
     _may_ have passed on a long while ago, before I started keeping a
     record to avoid duplication.  But here 'tis, anyway:
                    --------------------------

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude.  He saw a little girl coming
towards him, so he immediately covered himself with the newspaper he was
reading.

The girl came up to him and asked: "What do you have under the newspaper,
Mister?"

"Err ... it's ... a ... bird," the guy replied.  The little girl stared
at him for a few seconds, and then wandered off.  Eventually, the guy
dozed off to sleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.  When the
police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know.  I was
lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next
thing I know is I'm in here."

The police proceeded back to the beach, and eventually found the little
girl.  They asked her "What on earth did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "Nothing....  I was playing with
this bird, and it spat on me.  So I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and
set its nest on fire."
      -------------------------------------------------------------


     And last of all, a fairly long one which Nicki A-O passed on
     some time back:
                --------------------------

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.  He
asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.  A few
nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one
of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to
Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise
that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six
months?"

And then there is silence in the car.  To Elaine, it seems like a very
loud silence.  She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him
that I said that.  Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship;
maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that
he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh.  Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of
relationship, either.  Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd
have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way
we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we
just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we
heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am
I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .
February when we started going out, which was right after I had the
car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . .
Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset.  I can see it on his face.  Maybe I'm
reading this completely wrong.  Maybe he wants more from our relationship,
more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I
sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations.  Yes, I bet that's it.
That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings.  He's
afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission
again.  I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time.  What
cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a
goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry.  And I don't blame him.  I'd be angry,
too.  God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help
the way I feel.  I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day
warranty.  That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next
to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly
do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me.  A person who is
in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a
goddamn warranty.  I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their .
. .

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . .  Oh
God, I feel so . . . "

(She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight.  I
really know that.  It's silly.  There's no knight, and there's no
horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can,
tries to come up with a safe response.  Finally he comes up with one that
he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him
to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if
it involves a horse.  At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured
soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he
opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply
involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he
never heard of.  A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him
that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty
sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures
it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy
regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them,
and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours.  In
painstaking detail, they will analyse everything she said and everything
he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word,
expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every
possible ramification.  They will continue to discuss this subject, off
and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend
of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End Fri humour ]




 Previous (May 22, 1998)  Index Next (June 05, 1998)