Friday humour - May 22, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
This weeks humour comes from Waterford in WA (I'm currently over here
having a few discussions with projall and effort-logging users).  The
first contribution is one that just arrived from Lee Mcrae:
                    ------------------------------


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents.  Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make
love for the first time.  Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never
had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
condoms.

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.  He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack or family pack.  The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door.  "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"  The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say
grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in
prayer, with his head down.  10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."  The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea
your father was a pharmacist."
      ------------------------------------------------------


     Now a little quickie from "that" list (which, come to think of it,
     originates from this machine I'm currently using :-):
                       -----------------------

A burglar broke into a house one night.  He shone his flashlight around,
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is
watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised
himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back
on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the
source of the voice.  Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight
beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," Replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot Moses?

The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would
name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
      ------------------------------------------------------


     Next, a little football joke, passed on by an ex-collegue (Dave):
                         -------------------

Three football fans are leaving the big game, one from Hawthorn, one
from Carlton, and one from Collingwood, when they come across the body
of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road.

Not sure what they should do, the Hawthorn fan takes off his supporters
cap and places it over her left breast.  The Carlton supporter follows
suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Collingwood
supporter places his Collingwood cap over her 'lower regions', and they
decide they should call the police.

Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to
inspect it.  First he lifts the Hawthorn cap, and looks briefly at her
left breast.  Next he lifts the Carlton cap, looking briefly at the
woman's right breast.  Finally he lifts the Collingwood supporters cap off
the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's
'privates' for about 2 minutes.

Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap
again.  This time staring for about 5 minutes.  The supporters think this
kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally
finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been
looking at for so long.

The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first
time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under a Collingwood
cap."
      ------------------------------------------------------

      Now I'm not sure if the next contributor wanted to remain
      anonymous or not, but since she did want it that way last time, I'd
      better just pass it on as such:
                         ---------------------


        25 Reasons Why Alcohol Should be Served at Work
        -----------------------------------------------

1.   It's an incentive to show up.

2.   It reduces stress.

3.   It leads to more honest communications.

4.   It reduces complaints about low pay.

5.   It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6.   Employees tell management what they think of their PPE's, not what
     management wants to hear.

7.   Makes communication interesting due to mumbling and slurred speech.

8.   It encourages car pooling.

9.   Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't
     care.

10.  It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11.  It makes fellow employees look better.

12.  It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13.  Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted

14.  Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross".

15.  Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.

16.  Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
     bar.

17.  It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18.  Increases your chances of seeing your co-workers drunk and
     naked.

19.  Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
     break.

20.  Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
     (Eeeeeuuuu)

21.  Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

22.  Mistakes can be laughed away.

23.  Work starts whenever you arrive.

24.  A list of 25 reasons, does not have to be 25 long.
      ------------------------------------------------------


    Now one more that infamous humour list over here ...
                   --------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the
whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent
him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.  At the second house they
presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing
lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee.  She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs
to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he
ever experienced.  When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she
fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry
waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.  When he was truly satisfied
she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the
cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said,
"but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we should do something special for you.  I asked him
what to give you.  He said, 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar.'"

"The breakfast was my idea."
      ------------------------------------------------------


     And finally, one which was forwarded on by Ian Madsen for
     your listening pleasure ...
                       -----------------
(1)

1st person:  "If boxing doesn't cause brain damage, why is it that
something which is quite clearly a square is referred to as a ring?"

2nd person:  "Or why things that a definitely mitten shaped are referred
to as gloves"

1st person:  "Or why they play for a purse and a belt!  Why do boxers
play for women's accessories?"

(2)

WHY SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP IS AN (OXY)MORON:

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"-- Bill
Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
clothes." -- Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

 "You guys line up alphabetically by height" -- Bill Peterson, a Florida
State football coach

 "I play football.  I'm not trying to be a professor.  The tests don't seem
to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through
in school." -- Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a
freshman because of academic requirements

 "I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to
get in.  I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
-- George Raveling, USC basketball coach

 "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
three years, not Princeton." -- Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson
hooking up again with promoter Don King

 "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to." --
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit
to Greece

 "The ballparks have gotten too crowded.  That's why nobody goes to see
the game any more." -- Yogi Berra

 "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." -- Senior
 basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

 "Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." -- Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann
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[ End Fri humour ]




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