Friday humour - May 08, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

First one this week was forwarded on by a (non-CSIRO) computer-
engineering friend of mine (David) who's always kept a bit of an eye on
Internet humour - this is one he passed on a few months back:

   It was the week of final exams, and everyone was stressing.  This
happened in a big (+300) lecture class, and a hard science course with a
professor who seemed to regard lectures as an imposition he could really
do without.  Everyone taking this course had been dreading this final.
Most felt they had no hope.  There was one student in the class who felt
confident in the area if he could just take his time and work his way
through each problem.

   So on the day of the final, he decided he would just take his time on
the test.  The exam began, and he slowly paced himself, carefully working
out each problem.  This was difficult because the professor was one of
those obnoxious types who would keep reminding everyone just how much
time they had left every three minutes.  He was just one of those guys
who needed a good smack in the face.

   Finally, time was up, and the prof told everyone to stop, and to bring
their test papers down to his desk.  With over three-hundred people, this
procedure took quite a while.  That one student just continued working on
his test.  Eventually, ten extra minutes turned into twenty, until the
student was there for almost an hour after the exam had ended.  He looked
at his paper, and decided he had completed the test to his satisfaction,
and he could now hand it in.  He gathered his things and walked down to
the teachers desk.

   The professor was sitting at the desk, the tests were still sitting on
the desk in a neatly stacked pile, and it was clear he had just been
waiting for this student to finish so that he could tell him that he had
failed.  The student reached his professors desk with a big smile on his
face.  The professor said to him, "This test was due an hour ago.  By
handing it in now, it is considered late.  Consequently, you fail."

   The student looked at the professor and said "Do you know who I am?"

   The professor, clearly taken aback by this response, blustered:
"What ... what are you talking about?"

   Again, the student quietly asked, "Do you know who I _am_?"

   "Ah... no, I don't - of course not..."

   Staring evenly at the professor, the student calmly lifted up half of
the test papers still sitting on the teachers desk, slipped his test on
the remaining pile, then let the rest of the tests fall naturally back
onto the stack.  As he began to walk out, he said "That's alright - I
didn't think so."

      Now a few more "one liners" forwarded on by Martha Hills:

                      Deep, Deep Sayings.

Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Boycott shampoo!  Demand the REAL poo!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Death is hereditary.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Oh Lord, give me patience...and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.

I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not sure..

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

      And a short one from another place ...

One Friday afternoon two women are talking about nothing in particular when
one of them spots the other's husband and says: "Oooh - look, Gloria!
He's bought you a lovely bunch of flowers."

Gloria turns to look, and replies "Oh bloody hell, that's me on my back
with my legs open all weekend."

Her friend looks surprised and asks "You don't have a vase, then?"

      This next one was forwarded on by a few people, including
      Davo, and Betty (our terrific ex-Port Melb canteen lady):

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an
embarrassing problem.  "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're
soundless, and they have no odor.  In fact, since I've been here, I've
farted no less than twenty times.  What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris.  Take these pills three times a day
for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.
"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse!
I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible!  What can I do -
this just isn't working at all."

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly.  "Now that we've
 fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

     And another story forwarded on recently by Mike Horne ...

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting
together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel.  It was an old style train,
with no lights in the carriages, so it went completely dark.  Then there
was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman
were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as though he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia
Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: "The English fella must have tried to kiss
me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."

And the Irishman was thinking: "This is great. The next time the train
goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that
English bastard again ."

      Finally, one from David McCallum ...

                           NEW EFFICIENCIES

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the
shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus.  It seemed a little odd,
but I dismissed it as a random thing.  Until our busboy came with water &
tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast- pocket.  I looked around
the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc had spoons in their
pockets.  When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask,
"Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen
Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months
of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the
floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per
hour per workstation.  By preparing all our workers for this contingency
in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time...nearly
1.5 extra man hours per shift."

Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he
quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.  "I'll grab
another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special
trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed.  "Thanks. I had to ask." "No problem," he answered, then he
continued to take our orders.  As the members of my dinner party took their
turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu.
That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread
protruding from our waiter's fly.  Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan
the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings
hanging out of their trousers.  My curiosity overrode discretion at this
point, so before he could leave I had to ask.  "Excuse me, but...uh...why,
or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant.
That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room,

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it
out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to
wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking thru the process, I asked
"Hey, wait-a-minute.  If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get
it back in?"  "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys,
but I use my spoon."

[End Fri Humour]

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