Friday humour - April 30, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
First up this week, a little story passed on by one of our people over at
Perth via the "Deviants" list ...
                      ------------------------------

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he
usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work.
One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner,
Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein
in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this
speech so many times.  I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not?  Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and
jacket and sat in the back of the room.  The chauffeur gave a beautiful
rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question
about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in
the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely
stare and said,  "Sir - the answer to that question is so trivial that I
will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
       ----------------------------------------------------------


      Next, some strangely worded signs (seen around England) - these
      were forwarded on some time back by Martha Hills:
                     -------------------------

Sign in a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK
OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG.  20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.  (THIS DOOR IS
KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT.  PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of
Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING
OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.  BY ORDER OF
THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK
ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP
THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED
OF

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH
MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CARS

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
CHARGES.  RUNNING ACROSS THIS FIELD TAKES A MAN 12 SECONDS, BULL DOES IT
IN 10.

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE!  I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
       ----------------------------------------------------------


     Now one from David, an ex-colleague of mine over at Boral ... err,
     Otis, rather (Boral sold 'em off shortly after one of their regular
     management changes):
                      --------------------------

Man walks into a bar and orders a drink from the bartender.  He then
spots a gorgeous blond sitting alone, so he decides to try his luck.  He
takes his drink and wanders to where she is sitting and tries to strike
up a conversation with her, but to no avail.  She just isn't interested
in men at the moment, she says.  Dejected, he returns to his bar stool
and orders a double.

A couple of minutes later, another man walks into the bar, sits down and
orders a drink.  He too spots the blond, and wanders over.  Within
seconds, they both stand up, leaving their drinks behind, and hurry out
of the bar, arm in arm.

The first man has been observing all this, and calls the bartender over.

"I tried to speak to her and she basically told me to push off," he
says.  "How come she left with him?  What did he say?"

"He said nothing," said the bartender, "he just licked his eyebrow."
       ----------------------------------------------------------


      And now, another from our own "Deviants" list -
                  -------------------------

        THINGS TO THINK ABOUT (submitted by Mike Whalan)

1) I can please only one person per day.  Today is not your day.
   Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

2) Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

3) Everyone has a right to be stupid.  Some just abuse the privilege.

4) On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

5) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

6) Does vacuuming count as Aerobic Exercise?

7) Young at Heart.  Slightly older in other places.

8) Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't
   go Wrong at once.

9) The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win,
   you're still a rat.

10) I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the
    guts to bite people themselves.

11) If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

12) There's no speed limit on the Information Superhighway.

13) It is much easier to apologise than to ask permission.

14) There are two rules for ultimate success in life.  Never tell
    everything you know.

15) Do unto others ... then run.
              ------------------------------------------


       And another one from the same source ...
                     -----------------------

A little fella walks into a bar.  Unfortunately there is a pile of dog poo
just inside the door, and he slips in it and falls over.  He gets up,
cleans himself up and walks to the bar and buys a drink.

A great big man then enters the bar.  He slips in the same pile of poo,
falls, gets up, cleans up and buys a drink.

The little guy turns to him, trying to strike up a conversation, and
says, "I just did that."

The big guy punches him in the mouth.
              ------------------------------------------


    Next one (even shorter) was passed on recently by Lachlan (currently
    struggling in Warrington (U.K.) with vendo-machines which won't
    dispense junk-food unless you give them the right money, plus a
    nightly walk home each night next to a canal which freezes over):
                      ------------------------

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together.  The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a smug satisfied smile on it's face, while the egg is
frowning, and looking a tad put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular...."I guess we answered that
question then."
              ------------------------------------------


 And to finish off, another tall story from "that" list ...
                      -----------------------

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small
house.  Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with
a long gray beard.

I'm lost," said the man.  "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly,"the Chinese man said, "but on one condition.  If you so much
as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst
Chinese tortures known to man."

"Okay," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as
well, and he entered the house.

Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs.  She was young, beautiful
and had a fantastic body.  She was obviously attracted to the young man,
as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her, and finally went up to
bed alone.  But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and he
snuck into her room for a night of passion.  He was careful to keep
everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept
back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest.  Opening his eyes he saw a large
rock on his chest with a note on it that read:
'Chinese Torture 1:  Large rock on chest.'

"Well", that's pretty pathetic," he thought.  "If that's the best the old
man can do, then I don't have much to worry about."  He picked the
boulder up, walked over to the window, and with a great effort, heaved it
out.  However, as he did this, he noticed another note nearby that read:
'Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.'

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting
close to taut.  Figuring that a few broken bones was better than
castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the
ground that read:
'Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bed post'.
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[ End Fri humour]




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