Friday humour - April 23, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

I missed doing Friday humour last week (being away), just in case anyone
thinks that the mail system let them down.  Anyway, first up today is a
short but interesting statistical piece sent in by Unix (from the
"fortune" program):

The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:

        1.  They all had moderate appetites.

        2.  They all came from middle class homes

        3.  All but two of them were dead.

    Next, some one-liners that were forwarded on some time back by
    Wayne Deane:

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?

Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?

When you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

Do radioactive cats have nine half-lives?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

If a politician uses your computer, will he corrupt the files?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What's another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a
train stop, what's a workstation?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's the speed of dark?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

How come if you cut the ends off of a string, the string still has two

    Next, one from Theo Rodopoulos (also forwarded late last year):

There once was a little green man living in a little green house
on the top of a little green hill.  One day the little green man
wanted to take a bath so he went and took his little green bottle
of shampoo and his little green bar of soap and also his little
green towel and into his little green bathroom he went.  As he took
off his little green shirt and his little green pair of shorts, he
stepped under his little green tap and started to bathe.

Just then a saleswoman came to the front of the little green
man's house and rang on his little green bell. "Ding Dong".  The
little green man heard his little green bell and he thought that
his pizza had arrived so he hastily took his little green towel,
wrapped it around his little green waist and rushed to the door.

As he opened his little green door, his little green towel came
undone, and dropped unto his little green doormat, exposing his
little green, uh...never mind.  The saleswoman gave a shriek and
rushed out of the little green house.  In all her haste and all
her horror, she did not see the truck coming at 180 km/h which
struck her, killing her on the spot.

QUESTION: What's the Moral of this Story?

ANSWER:   DON'T cross the road when the green man is flashing

        Now, a couple from "that" local mail list:

                 The Old Man and the Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 1998 Turbo
BeepBeep.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it
runs him $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops
for a red light.  An old man on a Moped (both looking about 90 years old)
pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of
the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?".

The young man replies "A 1997 Turbo BeepBeep.  They cost $500,000.
"That's a lot of money" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so

"Because this car can do up to 320 klicks!" states the cool dude

The Moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside? "Sure" replies the

So, the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.  Leaning
back on his Moped, the old man says "That's a pretty nice car, all

Just then, the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what
his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 320 kmh.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be
getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh!  Something whips by him, going much faster!

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeep?" the
young man asks himself.

Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.  Whoooooosh!  It
goes by again, heading the opposite direction!  And, it almost looked
like the old man on the Moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could
a Moped outdo a Turbo BeepBeep?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooooosh Ka- BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of the car, demolishing the rear end.  The young
man jumps out, and ... it is the old man!!   Of course the Moped and the
old man are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the ailing old man and
says, "Gosh, you're badly hurt!  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans "Yep, there is ... unhook my braces from your
side-view mirror."

       And ...

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn't
have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he
replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did you get that monster."

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie," he asked?

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?"

He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.  The friend says, "Hey,
look - I'm a good friend of your master.  Will you grant me one wish?"

"Well ... okay," said the genie.  So he asks him for a million bucks.
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there
waiting.  Suddenly, the sky begins to darken, and the sound of a million
ducks is heard flying overhead.

The friend screams to his golfing partner, "I asked for a million
_bucks_, not ducks!"

He answers, "Oh - I forgot to tell you ... the genie is hard of hearing.
Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?"

    And lastly - one which was forwarded on by another contributor who
    wishes to remain anonymous:

A woman finds herself outside the Pearly Gates, where she is greeted by
St. Peter.

"Am I where I think I am?" she exclaims.  "It's so beautiful!  Did I
really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replies, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven.  But you must do one thing before you can enter."

Very excited, the woman asks what she must do to pass through the gates.

"Spell a word," St. Peter replies.

"What is it?" she asks.

"Any word at all," answers St. Peter.  "It's your choice!"

The woman promptly replies, "The word I will spell is love.  L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulates her on her good fortune in making it into Heaven,
and asks her if she will take his place at the gates for a moment while
he goes to the bathroom.

"I'd be honoured," she says, "but what should I do if someone comes while
you're gone?"

St. Peter instructs her to require any newcomers to spell a word, just as
she had done.  So the woman takes St. Peter's chair and watches the
beautiful angels soaring around her.  Suddenly, lo and behold, a man
approaches the gates, and it is none other than her husband!

"What happened?" she cries.  "Why are you here?"

Her husband explains, "I was so upset when I left your funeral that I got
into a fatal car accident.  So here I am, ready to join you in Heaven."

"Well not just yet," the woman replies.  "First you have to spell a

"What's the word?" he asks.

[ End Fri humour]

 Previous (April 09, 1998)  Index Next (April 30, 1998)