Friday humour - April 09, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi,
Before we start this week, a quick plug for a great source of comedy that
you can catch on FM in Melbourne this weekend - it's called "Laughs FM",
on 89.90 Mhz.  (My kids found it a few nights ago, and their radio's been
stuck on it ever since.)  The station's playing lots of great stuff, old
and new, but there's one catch:  it finishes on Sunday night, so I'm told
by David Rand (who, as I discovered this morning, is involved in the
station.  Talk about coincidence!).  Anyway, it won't return until
August at the earliest, so - tune in and see what you think of it.

Okay - to some ASCII humour.  It's a long one this week (because the
final contribution is a whopper).  First up, one that was forwarded
on by Wayne Deane many moons back:
                       ----------------------------

A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved
in with a primitive native tribe.  He spent several years with the
people, during which he particularly stressed the evil of sexual sin...
no adultery, no fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child.
But the child was white!  This caused quite a stir in the village.  The
chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of
sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child.
And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk!  What
is the explanation?"

The missionary replied, "No, no, my good man - you're mistaken.  This is
a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino.  Nature does
this on some occasions.  For example, look over there at that flock of
sheep.  They are all white, except -- look, there is one black sheep
among them!  Could you explain this to me?"

The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "Okay.  I'll tell
you what, father.  You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I
won't say anything about the white child."
       -------------------------------------------------------


       Now another excursion into the world of law.  The following are
       purported to be actual statements made during court cases:
                    --------------------------------

Judge:     I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh ... yes.
Judge:     All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge:     Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay.  I was your bookie.

===================================================

>From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim:    Yes, I saw you clearly.  You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

===================================================

Judge:     The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.  Are you the
           defendant?
Defendant: No, sir - I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

===================================================

Lawyer: How do you feel about defence attorneys?
Juror:  I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror:  That's not true.  I think prosecutors should be drowned at
        birth too.

===================================================

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

===================================================

Lawyer:   Tell us about the fight.
Witness:  I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer:   Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness:  I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men swung
          around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
          one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the
          other one hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else
          drew a hand-gun and another guy came up with a rifle that had been
          hidden under a bed, and the air was filled with yelling and
          smoke and bullets.
Lawyer:   You too were shot in the fracas?
Witness:  No sir - I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

===================================================

Defendant:  Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge:      And why is that?
Defendant:  Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender):
            Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender:
            I'm sorry, Your Honour.  I wasn't listening.

===================================================

Judge:     Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge:     What does the "Colonel" stand for?
Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honourable" in front of your
           name.  Not a damn thing.

===================================================

Judge:     You are charged with habitual drunkenness.  Have you
           anything to say in your defence?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

===================================================

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail):
           Can I address the court?
Judge:     Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge:     I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
           jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge:     I can't do anything about that.  There's no law against
           thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.
      -----------------------------------------------------


     Now, another from our own "deviants" list:
                  --------------------

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet
with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"  The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled
from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well...ask him where the damn money is"

So the attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signals back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of
the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where the damn
money is!"

The attorney signals to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signals back,  "OK! OK! OK!, the money is hidden in a
suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "WELL...?  What did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says that you don't have the
guts to pull the trigger."
                --------------------------------------------


    *****************************************************************
    * Now - for anyone who was offended by the "wife ... black eye" *
    * joke last December, please skip down 20 lines (this next one  *
    * is even worse):                                               *
    *****************************************************************

A farmer and his wife went to a fair.  The farmer was fascinated by
the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.

"$10 for 3 minutes," replied the pilot. "That's too much," said the
farmer.  The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a
deal.  If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound,
the ride will be free.  But if you make a sound, you'll have to pay $10."

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride.  After
they landed, the pilot said to the farmer:  "I want to
congratulate you for not making a sound.  You're a brave man."

"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell yah - I almost
screamed when my wife fell out."
      ----------------------------------------------------------


    *********************************************************************
    *   And this next (short) one is just plain crude ("pub" humour),   *
    *   so again, be warned ...  :-)                                    *
    *********************************************************************

A dwarf comes into this bar in New York City.  He sits next to a gorgeous
blonde, orders a drink, and start staring at the woman.  After a while he
says to her: "Whad'ya say to a little fuck?"
She looks down at him, and says: "Hello, little fuck".
      ----------------------------------------------------------


     Finally, back to something a little more witty.  This was passed on
     by Steve Tassios in response to last years sexist "male bash" joke.
     Be warned, though - it's fairly lengthy (over 200 lines worth):
                     -------------------------------

     "The Teach Yourself Guide to answering your Sweetheart's questions"
      -----------------------------------------------------------------

It's Saturday, a crisp spring afternoon, and you're exactly where you
should be: stretched out on the couch in front of a televised sporting
event, opening beer number two, relaxed in the knowledge that the pizza
you ordered is even now on its way.  Nothing could improve this moment,
except maybe a bigger television set.

Suddenly your girl-friend enters the room and says, "Do I look fat?"

There is no answer to this question that won't be interpreted "yes".
"No" means yes. "Yes" means yes. "I don't know" means yes. "It doesn't
matter" means yes.

The briefest hint of a pause before speaking means yes, yes, yes.  Most
of us would rather take our degrees again than field this one, yet it may
well come up several times a week.  Your only real choice is to say no,
clearly and immediately, leaving no possibility for any subtext, and
making it sound like a widely acknowledged fact and not simply your
opinion.  This doesn't work, but all the other options are worse.

There are several other questions for which "no" is the only answer, and
several more that call for an emphatic and unqualified yes.  In all of
these cases, elaboration, justification or any attempt to be funny is
unlikely to pay off.

Consult this handy chart:

JUST SAY NO
Is there someone else?
Do you still fantasise about her?
Are you tired of me?

JUST SAY YES
Do you still love me?
Do you ever fantasise about me?
Do you like my hair this way?

Unfortunately, many female inquiries require more than a simple yes or no
response.  Some of them are more like riddles.  Such as this one: "Which
shoes look better?"

This raises the question of why she's asking you at all.  She knows you
don't know which shoes look better, and she knows you don't care, so why
is she trying to elicit your opinion?  This is part of an ongoing
campaign to domesticate you.  Suggest that she try on the other shoes,
then tell her the first ones look better.  This lets you more or less off
the hook, as long as you don't raise a fuss when she decides that the
second pair are better after all.  On no account suggest another dress.
You might as well say, "You're fat."

"Where do you see this relationship going?"

This could be described as an essay question, since you're obviously not
going to get away with snappy little answers such as "forward" or
"upstairs" or "I dunno".  She wants a heartfelt expression of your
feelings and an honest assessment of your future together, and you want
an easier question.  There is certainly no point in answering a
toe-curling query like this one without at least a rough idea of
precisely what it is she wants to hear.  Questions such as this one are a
category unto themselves, i.e: questions that should be answered with
another question.

See how easily some of the more difficult leading inquiries can be
parried through the simple deployment of reflexive interrogation:

HER: "Where do you see this relationship going?"
YOU: "Where do *you* see this relationship going?"

HER: "Do you think she's attractive?"
YOU: "Who?"

HER: "Will you marry me?"
YOU: "Where am I?"

HER: "What if I were pregnant?"
YOU: "_Are_ you pregnant?"
HER: "Why?  Do I look fat?"

Whoops! We're in a bit of trouble here.  You should have seen that
coming.  Try a more surreal approach:

HER: What if I _were_ pregnant?
YOU: What if _I_ were pregnant?

At the very least it gives you time to think up a better answer.  Some
all-purpose question-answers include: How much is a lot? Why do you ask?
Should I be?  What are you saying? Does it matter? What's love gotta do
with it?  Are you talking to me?  (Note: "Are you having your period?"
is not one of these.)

Let's try a math question.

"How many people have you slept with?"

Hmmmmm....Now, you can tell her the truth, unless the truth is more than
12, or you can have a guess at the number she's more or less expecting.
If the result is greater than 12, then say 12.  Let's move on.

"Are you saying you want to end it?"

Women, like lawyers, rarely ask a direct question, unless they already
know what the answer will be.  As for women lawyers, I don't know what
they do, and I'm pretty sure I don't want to know.  The point is, when a
woman asks you this question, she knows you're going to say no.  Even if
you want to say yes, you'll say no.  You can't turn the question back on
her, because you have no idea what her answer is going to be.  If you are
trying to break up with her, you'll have to say no and start the whole
painful process again.  If you aren't trying to break up with her, then
it's best to change the subject.  Let's try something easier.

"Notice anything different about me?"

Well, slightly easier.  Apart from being a question that is easier to
answer wrong than right, it is best treated in an ironic post-modern
context;

HER: "Notice anything different about me?"
YOU: "New apron?"

HER: "Have you forgotten what today is?"
YOU: "Of course not.  It's Thursday"

HER: "Have you been listening to a word I've said?"
YOU: "That's nice, dear..."

Funny, huh? Well, it's not your fault if she doesn't get it.  If she wants
a better answer, she's going to have to start asking better questions.

Questions such as:

"Have you taken a look at yourself lately?"

This question and its cousin, the almost always uncalled for "Who do you
think you are?", are ways of gently reminding you how much of a factor
pity was in her original decision to go out with you, and how that
decision could be rescinded if you behave in any way that cannot be
described as abject.

You probably brought this rebuke on yourself by mentioning that you
reckon Brad Pitt is getting a little chubby or by speculating that Jack
Nicholson doesn't have to wait until his birthday for oral sex.  You're
not really supposed to answer either of these questions.  You're just
supposed to apologise for your wanton Self-esteem-having.  Instead of
apologising, just smile.  Your manifold inadequacies as a boyfriend -
 ... nay, as a *man* - are a kind of revenge all by themselves.  Next!

"Do you believe in fidelity?"

Like most philosophical questions that seem to pop up out of the blue,
this question doesn't pop up out of the blue.  This general query about
fidelity is in fact a coded inquiry about the extent of your fidelity on
a specific occasion or occasions.  Your response will also have to be
coded.

Consult this translation chart before giving your answer:

1. YOU SAY - "Yes"
   YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
   SHE THINKS - He's hiding something

2. YOU SAY - "It depends"
   YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
   SHE THINKS - I knew it!

3. YOU SAY - "Why do you ask?"
   YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
   SHE THINKS - Bastard!

4. YOU SAY - "I dunno.  Do you?"
   YOU MEAN - How much does she know?
   SHE THINKS - How much does he know?

By the time she asks you this question, you're already in deep shit.
It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as you don't blush
when you an answer.

Let's look at an example that calls for more straightforward lying.
"What are you looking at?"

She means, "You were looking at that girl, weren't you?"  And you thought
you'd perfected that trick of keeping your neck still and just letting
your eyes swivel.  Obviously, the truth is not the best answer here.  We
all know that the truth can set you free, sometimes before you've found
somewhere else to stay.

It may seem easy enough to answer this question with a cunning lie, but
when men are caught off-guard, their ability to deceive is impaired.  Here
are a few of the more common mistakes men make when asked, "What are you
looking at?"

1. TOO SPECIFIC: "The rust around the bolts on the handle on the flap
   of that mailbox on the northwest corner".
2. NOT SPECIFIC ENOUGH: "That thing."
3. TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE: "A diamond necklace in that window back there
   that would be perfect on you".
4. TOO TRUE TO BE GOOD: "A see-through nightie in that window back
   there that would be perfect on you."
5. TOO OBVIOUS: "Nothing."
6. WAY TOO OBVIOUS: "That blonde chick over there with the horny ... I
   mean - nothing."

Here's one that requires a little interpretation.

"Should I get my hair cut?"

If you say anything, then when she does get it cut (and let's face it,
she's already made up her mind) and she hates it (and she will hate it),
it will be your fault.  Even if you say absolutely nothing, the best you
can hope for is that she will come home with all her hair cut off, stare
you straight in the eye and say: "Does it make me look fat?"

You're on your own.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
[ End (early) Friday humour ]


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