Friday humour - April 02, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

First up this week, a couple of "letters to the editor" (I hope
Graeme and Chris don't mind):

> Dear Tony,
> I wish to object to the item concerning a "beer and ice-cream diet". The
> unit of Calorie (with a capital C) is actually a kilocalorie, and it takes
> only 0.001 Calories to heat 0.001 kilogram of water by 1 degree Kelvin
> (note use of SI conventions - grams and Centigrade should not be used!).
> Being a scientific establishment, we should all know this and since the
> deception doesn't work, the story just isn't funny.
> Yours humourlessly,
> Graeme Lane.

   Thanks Graeme.  The original as passed on by Petros _was_
correct re calories vs Calories - I attacked it with "vi" to do
some auto-formatting and general tidying up, and I wasn't aware
of that convention (and okay on the SI units too).

   The other one was from Chris Solnordal:

> Hi Tony,
> At the recent Science Forum II (at Woodend) the mention of the
> friday humour came up, and people from non-clayton sites
> expressed concern that they weren't included on the distribution.
> I don't think it was that they really wanted to receive the email
> that much - just that "here's another Clayton thing that we're not
> included on".
> I don't know how you decided where the Friday humour should
> go, or whether you should just send it to all sites,
> or if you should ask someone first.  But it might be worth considering
> having a division-wide distribution?
> Always looking forward to another laugh at the end of the week,
> Chris

Thanks, Chris.  (I won't bore everyone with my reply - basically just said
that we can easily include *individuals* from other sites if they like :-)

    First bit of humour this week was forwarded on by Lachlan
    Cranswick back in November (before he left Oz for the UK):

A man arrives home one evening to find a gorilla sitting on his roof.
Not knowing what to do, he opens the yellow pages and looks under "Gorilla
Removal".  He calls the only listing.

A man arrives and takes from his truck the following: a ladder, a bunch of
bananas, a big stick, a pair of handcuffs, a Chihuahua and a gun.

The homeowner asks what he's going to do with all that stuff, to which he
replies: "I'm going to use the ladder to get on the roof then I'm going to
throw the bananas to the gorilla.  While he's busy eating them, I'm going
to knock him off the roof with this stick.  When he hits the ground, the
Chihuahua is going to bite him in the groin - at which time the gorilla will
throw his hands in the air, and you can slap the cuffs on him."

The homeowner asks, "But what about the gun?"

The man hands the gun to him and says, "Sometimes the gorilla knocks me off
the Tower.  If that happens - shoot the Chihuahua!"

    And here's one that was forwarded on recently by Lisa
    Thomas.  (Dealing with the general public on PC-related
    problems must be _quite_ "interesting" at times .....)

Excerpts from a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Carlton --

1. A Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the
system wouldn't read Word Processing files from his old diskettes.  After
trouble-shooting for magnets and heat had failed to diagnose the problem,
it was found that the customer was sticking labels on the diskettes and then
rolling them into the typewriter to type the labels.

2. An AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes.
A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies
of the floppies.

3. Another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked.
He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the
keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

4. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his
computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The tech explained that the
computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

5. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

  Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
  Tech:   "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
  Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
           warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
  Tech:   "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
  Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
  Tech:   "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because
           I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional,
           at a trade show?  How did you get this cup holder? Does it
           have any trademark on it?"
  Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
           promotional. It just has '4X' on it."

The Tech Rep had to mute the telephone after this as he realised that the
caller been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and
had snapped it off.

      The young lady who passed on this topical little ditty
      asked if she could remain anonymous - no problem!

Ten public servants standing in a line,
one of them was downsized - then there were nine.

Nine public servants who must negotiate,
one joined the union - then there were eight.

Eight public servants thought they were in heaven,
'til one of them was redeployed - then there were seven.

Seven public servants, their jobs as safe as bricks,
but one was re-classified - then there were six.

Six public servants trying to survive,
one of them was privatised - then there were five.

Five public servants ready to give more,
but one golden handshake reduced them to four.

Four public servants full of loyalty,
their jobs were all advertised - then there were three.

Three public servants under review,
one left on secondment - then there were two.

Two public servants coping on the run,
one went on stress leave - then there was one.

The last public servant agreed to relocate,
replaced by 10 consultants at twice the hourly rate.

    Next - some punny stuff from the "deviants" list over yore ...

   Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank.  Moral - you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

   Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never
amounted to much.  The second one became known as the lesser of two weevils.

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to
the bar and drawls: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw ..."

   When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

   A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The
bartender replies, "For you - no charge."

   Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during
root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

   A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the
lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I hate chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."

   A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of
the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of
hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with
hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in at his regular time,
took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No,
I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

   A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book;
the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on
the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest and writers cramp.

   There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

   A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams.  First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam.  It's driving me crazy.  What's wrong with me?"  The doctor
replies: "It's very simple.  You're two tents."

   A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've
seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

    This next one was passed on by my old mates over at Boral
    Elevators ... err, Otis, ... err, ??:

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son comes
across the condoms and asks his father what they are.

The dad replies, "Well, son, those are condoms and they're for
protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three
in it.

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys.  One for Friday, one for
Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies, "Well son, those are for college men.  Two for Friday,
two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies, "Son, those are for married men.  One for January, one for
February, one for March...."

      And last but not least, if you're still reading this far
      down, a great little story passed on for your enjoyment
      by David McCallum:

Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user.  His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices,
even if it meant time-sharing.

One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his
Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning),
when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in
his garden.  He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly.  I'll see if
she'd like an update tonight."

Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like COBOL
and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals networking
all over the place.

He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?".  "Yes, I
am well", she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing
her console over her curvilinear functions.

Micro settled for a straight line approximation.  "I'm stand-alone tonight",
he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?  I'll output a
byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."

Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8 K.
"I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disks.  I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you
inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking,
"Wow, what a global variable.  I wonder if she'd like my firmware?"

They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips and
a bucket of baudot.  Mini was in conversation mode and expanded on ambiguous
arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements, although, in
reality, he was analysing the shortest and least critical path to her entry
point.  He finally settled on the old 'Would_you_like_to_see_my benchmark'
routine, but Mini was again one step ahead.

Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating system software.  "Let's get BASIC, you RAM",
she said.  Micro was loaded by this; his hardware was in danger of overflowing
its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. "Core",
was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.

Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened
her divide files to reveal her data set ready.  He accessed his fully packed
root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she
attempted an escape sequence.

"No, no!", she cried, "You're not shielded!"

"Reset, Baby", he replied, "I've been debugged."

"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes", she protested.

"Don't run away", he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."

"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design philosophy."

Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off.
But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his
main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.

"Computers!", she thought, as she recompiled herself.  "All they ever think of
 is hex!"
[ End Fri humour]

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