Friday humour - March 26, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

   Hi again,
First offering this week is beer related, and was forwarded many
months back by Petros Kapoulitsas.  If you have a weight problem,
or if you're sick of those silly lunchtime or after-work exercises,
this will really please you:

                     BEER AND ICE-CREAM DIET

As we all know, it takes 1 Calorie to heat 1 Gram of water 1 degree Centigrade.
Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert
(generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which
raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle
literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.

For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C will in a short
time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C.  For each gram
of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above.
The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams.  Therefore, by operation
of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. x 37 deg. x 168 gms)
are extracted from body fat as the dessert's temperature is normalised.

Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss
is approximately 5,000 calories.

Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat, the better off you are and the faster
you will lose weight, if that is your goal.

This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses.
Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories
(6,216 cal. per 6 oz.  portion) in the temperature normalising process.
Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories.  It doesn't
take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020
cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.

Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes
83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional
37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature.  The results here are
really remarkable, and it beats running hands down.

Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza
(loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an
opposite effect.  But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already
reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow
up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.

We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer,
and ice cream diet.

Happy eating!

    Okay - everyone back now with (at least) an ice-cream?  This
    next one has also been waiting in the wings since last year -
    it was passed on by Andrew Urban, and also by Colin MacRae:

                              THE PLAN

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions,
And the plan was without substance,
And the assumptions were without form,
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.

And they spoke among themselves saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."
And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said:
"It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."
And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it."

And the managers went to their Directors, saying:
"It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide by its strength."
And the Directors spoke among themselves saying to one another:
"It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them:
"It promotes growth, and is very powerful."
The vice presidents went unto the president, saying unto him:
"This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of
the company, with powerful effects."

And the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.

And that is how shit happens.

      Now, a quickie pinched from the "deviants" list
      (submitted by Russell Pennifold):

                  THE GOLFING PREACHER

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer.  Every chance he could get,
he could be found on the golf course swinging away.  It was an obsession.

One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing.  The sun was out, no
clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right.  The preacher was in
a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him.
He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church,
packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would
recognise him.  Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed.  He went
to the Lord and said, "Look at the preacher.  He should be punished for what
he is doing."  The Lord nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole.  He swung at the ball, and it sailed
effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and
fifty metres away.  A picture perfect hole-in-one.  He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked.  He turned to The Lord and said, "Begging
Your pardon, Lord, but I thought you were going to punish him?"

The Lord smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

   Now for the regular Microsoft bash - this one was originally
   passed on by Michael Reed (CSIRO Land and Water):

REDMOND, Washington, Mar 25, 1998 -- In direct response to accusations made
by the Department of Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it
will now acquire the federal government of the United States of America for
an undisclosed sum.

"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft
chairman Bill Gates, "It really is going to be a positive arrangement for

Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White
House with U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that
changes will be "minimal".  The United States will be managed as a wholly
owned division of Microsoft.  An initial public offering is planned for July
of next year, and the federal government is expected to be profitable by
"Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.

In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and
enthusiastically" accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft,
and will continue to manage the United States government, reporting directly
to Bill Gates.  When asked how it felt to give up the mantle of executive
authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief".  He went on
to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S.  citizens should
offer Gates their "full support and confidence".  Clinton will reportedly be
earning several times the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president,
in his new role at Microsoft.

Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond
as "silly", though did say that he would make executive decisions for
the U.S. Government from his existing office at Microsoft Headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be abolished.
"Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing".

When asked if the rumoured attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding,
Gates said, "We don't deny that discussions are taking place".  Microsoft
representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens
will be able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and
discounts on all Microsoft products.


Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software
for personal computers, and democratic government.  The company offers a
wide range of products and services for public, business and personal use,
each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for
people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.


Founded in 1789, the United States of America (tm) is the most successful
nation in the history of the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and
opportunity for over 200 years.  Headquartered in Washington, D.C., the United
States (tm) is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft (tm) Corporation.

     Finally, one more which flew past on the deviants list:

These are from test papers and essays submitted to science and
health teachers by school and university students around the
world.  It is truly astonishing what weird science our young
scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades.

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breath, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is
pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and
then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable
cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and
lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -
a, e, i, o, and u."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the
outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to
hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,
and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon.  All water tends towards
the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic binge will have no ill effects on the
unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"Equator: A imaginary lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalised German."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative
or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration."

"For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the
hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered,
then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agoniser to spray the nose until it drops in your

"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
[End Friday humour]

 Previous (March 19, 1998)  Index Next (April 02, 1998)