Friday humour - March 19, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

  First up this week, a short one from the deviants list:

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two
men eating grass by the road side.  He ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate.  "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food.", The poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along!  And you, come with too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!"  The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as
large as the limo.  Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "sir, you
are too kind.  Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied  "No, you don't understand, the grass at my
home is about two metres tall!"

   Now - time for the (almost) regular Microsoft bash session.  This
   one also arrived via the aforementioned "humour impaired" mail list:

At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the car industry and stated :

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles per gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement :

"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

What's scarier is that if Microsoft had gone into motor car manufacturing
and dominated the industry as they normally do, then we'd have to deal with
the following:

Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, pull off the freeway, re-start, and return to the beginning
of the freeway.

Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre would cause your car to stop and fail,
and you would have to re-install the engine.  For some strange reason, you
would accept this too.

You could only have one person in the car at a time (sorry - they are "Personal
Cars" you know)

Because these cars may be individually configured by each user, 2 to 3 times
as many support personnel are now needed to straighten out the ensuing mess
(great for the economy, and keeps everyone busy)

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times
as fast, twice as easy to drive - but would only run on 5 percent of the roads.

The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars,
which would make their cars run much slower.

New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.  The air-bag system
would say "Are you sure?"  before going off.  If you were involved in a crash,
you would have no idea what happened.

Here's why Microsoft doesn't make cars:

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer
and a Microsoft engineer.  Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road,
and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car
and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the
fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with
a suggestion, "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in,
then open the windows again, and maybe it'll work?!"

     And now, another quickie passed on by Nicki Agron-Olshina:

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons
through sensory exploration.  With their eyes closed, they would feel objects
from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.

Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more
flavours than you could ever imagine.  "Children, I'd like you to close your
eyes and taste these," announced the teacher.

Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons
and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavoured lifesavers in
their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your Mummy and
Daddy probably call each other all the time."

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted,
"Spit 'em out, you guys, they're arseholes!"

    And just before we get onto the Titanic movie - a recap on
    some oxymorons ... a sort of a top 50:

 50.  Act naturally
 49.  Found missing
 48.  Resident alien
 47.  Advanced BASIC
 46.  Genuine imitation
 45.  Airline food
 44.  Good grief
 43.  Same difference
 42   Almost exactly
 41.  Government organisation
 40.  Sanitary landfill
 39.  Alone together
 38.  Legally drunk
 37.  Silent scream
 36.  British fashion
 35.  Living dead
 34.  Small crowd
 33.  Business ethics
 32.  Soft rock
 31.  Butt head
 30.  Military intelligence
 29.  Software documentation
 28.  New York culture
 27.  Extinct life
 26.  Sweet sorrow
 25.  Childproof
 24.  "Now, then..."
 23.  Synthetic natural gas
 22.  Christian scientists
 21.  Passive aggression
 20.  Taped live
 19.  Clearly misunderstood
 18.  Peace force
 17.  New classic
 16.  Temporary tax increase
 15.  French bravery
 14.  Plastic glasses
 13.  Terribly pleased
 12.  Computer security
 11.  Political science
 10.  Tight slacks
 9.   Definite maybe
 8.   Pretty ugly
 7.   Twelve-ounce pound cake
 6.   Diet ice cream
 5.   Rap music
 4.   Working vacation
 3.   Exact estimate
 2.   Religious tolerance

 And the NUMBER ONE top OXY-Moron

 1.   Microsoft Works

    Now - most of you have probably read MAD Magazine at some stage or
    other.  Do you remember their "over-the-top" film reviews?  Here's
    a similar thing in textual form for the "Titanic" epic:


Scene 1 -

KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?

KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is.  Here is the art you asked for.
It is by an artist named "Picasso."  I am certain he will amount to nothing.

KATE: Ha ha ha.  That is very funny to our 90's audience, because they know
these priceless paintings will sink with the boat.

LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio.  Perhaps you have seen the
many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me.  You are very pretty.

KATE: Thank you.  So are you.

LEONARDO: I know.  Prettier than you in fact.  I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again and
again to see this movie.  Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.

KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and looking
pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the boat sinks and
people start dying.

WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me.  I do not like you, Leonardo, even though you
saved my fiancee's life.  I am going to sneer at you and treat you like dirt
because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically abusive to my fiancee,
and then, just to make sure the audience really hates me, and to make sure my
character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person
into the water.

AUDIENCE: Boo!  We hate you!  Even though all real people have at least a few
admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're
trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore we hate you!  Boo!
(Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming between you and Kate.
But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he is only 13, so we are on
his side.  Boo!)

Scene 2 -

LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on your

KATE: So am I.  Even though I am engaged to him and have made a commitment
to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb into the backseat
of a car and steam up the windows together.  The fact that I am the heroine
of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience forgive me of this,
though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance were to do the
same thing to me.

AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would!  Moo!  We mean, Boo!

LEONARDO: I agree.  First, I would like to draw you, though, so of course
you have to take off your clothes.

KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not stand for that
sort of thing?

LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film
is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in Provo will sell out.

NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly what

KATE: All right, then. (Sound of clothes hitting the floor.)

Scene 3 -

FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.

CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (Sound of drinking.)

ICEBERG: (Hits boat.)

FIRST MATE: That can't be good.

CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!

AUDIENCE: (Silence.)

FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.

AUDIENCE: Where's Leonardo?

Scene 4 -

LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking.

KATE: That is terrible.

LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified behaviour?

KATE: Certainly.

WEASELLY FIANCE: (Aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here! (to Leonardo)
Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally dubious yet somehow less annoying than
you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room
that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking,
which I believe has been mentioned previously.

LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?

WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save Kate
from me.  Of course, you're going to die anyway...

AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us!  Boo!

LEONARDO: He's right, though.  I am doomed.

AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.

WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.

Scene 5 -

150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water.  Of course, if it hadn't been
for having to rescue him, I could have gotten on an actual lifeboat, and
not frozen my legs nearly off.  Anyway, he's pretty much dead now, and I'm
well over a thousand years old, and who's making my supper?  I need a bath.
Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt.  You kids today, with your
loud music.  Why, when I was - hey!  Don't you walk away from me!  I'd turn you
over my knee, if I had one.  I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond!
Come back here!

(Fade to black)
Roll credits and play an annoyingly overplayed Celine Dion song.
[End Fri humour]

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