Friday humour - March 05, 1998

     From Tony at Bluehaze:

    Hi,
First up in this weeks collation - a couple from Julian Johnson:
                  --------------------------

Our Marks
Which art with Spencers
Hallowed be thy food-hall
Thy Gucci watch
Thy Kookai bag
In Hermes
As it is in Harrods
Give us each day our Visa Gold
And forgive us our overdraft
As we forgive those who stop our Next Card And lead us not into
Dorothy Perkins
And deliver us from Topshop
For thine is the Naff Naff, The Cartier and the Versace
For Gaultier
and Eternity
AMEX
                    ------------------

    ... and

             Coincidence? You be the judge...

Lincoln was elected to congress in 1846
Kennedy was elected into congress in 1946
Lincoln was elected President in 1860
Kennedy was elected President in 1960

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday
Both were shot in the head

Here is an interesting one...

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln
Both were assassinated by a Southerner
Both were succeeded by Southerners
Both successors were named Johnson
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names
Both names are made of fifteen letters

Booth ran from a theatre and was caught in a warehouse
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theatre
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials

And last but not least:

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe
     -------------------------------------------------


        Next, one from "that" list ....
              --------------------

    HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN THE WORKPLACE

Put decaf in the coffee-maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.  Always wear
them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss
is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these
names. "That's a good point, Sparky."  "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to
disagree with you there, Chachi."

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

"Hi-lite" your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes since you
did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive."

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting
for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch,
and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat
5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@minerals.csiro.au"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries
with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the
direction of one of your organisation's more controversial recent decisions.
Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronised chair dancing.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free doughnuts, etc, in the lunchroom.
When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach,
and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
       ------------------------------------------------------


    Next, we continue with the regular Microsoft bash (passed on
    by David, one of my computer engineering contractor friends):
                   ----------------------------

Now that Bill Gates has moved into his brand spanking new house
in the Seattle suburbs, the following is a conversation
overheard last week:

Bill:  "There are a few issues we need to discuss."

Contractor: "Ah, you have our basic support option.  Calls are free for the
first 90 days and $75 a call thereafter.  Okay?"

Bill: "Uh, yeah... the first issue is the living room.  We think its a little
smaller than we anticipated."

Contractor: "Yeah.  Some compromises were made to have it out by the release
date."

Bill: "We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there."

Contractor: "Well, you have two options.  You can purchase a new, larger
living room; or you can use Stacker."

Bill: "Stacker?"

Contractor: "Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the room.
By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch... the
chairs on the table...  etc.  You leave an empty spot, so when you want to
use some furniture you can unstack what you need and then put it back when
you're done."

Bill: "Uh... I dunno... issue two.  The second issue is the light fixtures. The
bulbs we brought with us from our old home won't fit.  The threads run the
wrong way."

Contractor: "Oh!  That's easy.  Those bulbs aren't plug and play.  You'll have
to upgrade to the new bulbs."

Bill: "And the electrical outlets?  The holes are round, not rectangular.
How do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system."

Bill: "You're kidding!?"

Contractor: "Nope.  Its the only way."

Bill: "<sigh> Well... I have one last problem.  Sometimes, when I have guests
over, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop.  The water pressure
drops so low that the showers don't work."

Contractor: "That's a resource leakage problem.  One fixture fails to terminate
and is hogging the resources preventing access from other fixtures."

Bill: "And how do I fix that?"

Contractor: "Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off
the water at the street, turn it back on, re-enter the house and then you'll
be back on track."

Bill: "That's the last straw.  What kind of product are you selling me?"

Contractor: "Hey, remember, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it."

Bill: "And when will this be fixed?"

Contractor: "Oh, in your next house-which will be ready to release sometime
near the end of 1998.  Actually it was due out earlier this year, but we've
had some delays..."
       --------------------------------------------------


    And the obligatory late-night-at-the-pub one ...
                 ----------------------

                 PUB TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless
Fault:   Glass empty
Action:  Get someone to buy you another beer

Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet
Fault:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face
Action:  Retire to gent's room, practise in mirror

Symptom: Feet cold and wet
Fault:   Glass being held at incorrect angle
Action:  Rotate glass so that open end points towards ceiling

Symptom: Feet warm and wet
Fault:   Improper bladder control
Action:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about its house
         training.  Demand beer

Symptom: Floor blurred
Fault:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass
Action:  Get someone to but you another beer

Symptom: Floor moving
Fault:   You are being carried out
Action:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar

Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights
Fault:   You have fallen over backwards
Action:  Have yourself lashed to the bar

Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts
Fault:   You have fallen forward
Action:  See above

Symptom: Room seems unusually dark
Fault:   Bar has closed
Action:  Confirm home address with bartender
       -------------------------------------------------


    This final one was passed on by Linda and Jean:
                ----------------------

                       STRESS RELIEF

This is guaranteed to alleviate pressure in the boom-boom area
of your head, as well as aches, pains and the onslaught of
viral pneumonia caused by stress.

   UNLESS YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

READY?  OKAY - HOLD THE DOWN ARROW AND KEEP GOING ...

*    hi people
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*    aint this kool
*    aint this kool
*    aint this kool
*    aint this kool
*    aint this kool
*     aint this kool
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*       aint this kool
*        aint this kool
*       a int this kool
*      a  int this kool
*     a   int this kool
*    a    int this kool
*    a   i nt this kool
*    a  i  nt this kool
*    a i   nt this kool
*    ai    nt this kool
*    ai   n t this kool
*    ai  n  t this kool
*    ai n   t this kool
*    ain   t  this kool
*    ain  t   this kool
*    ain t    this kool
*    aint     this kool
*    aint    t his kool
*    aint   t  his kool
*    aint  t   his kool
*    aint t   h is kool
*    aint t  h  is kool
*    aint t h   is kool
*    aint th   i s kool
*    aint th  i  s kool
*    aint th i   s kool
*    aint thi   s  kool
*    aint thi  s   kool
*    aint thi s    kool
*    aint this    k ool
*    aint this   k  ool
*    aint this  k   ool
*    aint this k   o ol
*    aint this k  o  ol
*    aint this k o   ol
*    aint this ko   o l
*    aint this ko  o  l
*    aint this ko o   l
*    aint this koo   l
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*    aint this koo l
*    aint this kool
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*                      aint this kool
*                       aint this kool
*                        aint this kool
*                         aint this kool
*                          aint this kool
*                           aint this kool
*                            aint this kool
*                             aint this kool
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
*    STOP SCROLLING
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    I said STOP.




    Okay - don't you feel __relaxed__ now ...?




       Hullo ... ??

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[End friday humour]




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